Overwhelming parents

[FrenchVanillaCoffee]

Where do I start?  I'm 27 years old, the oldest of seven children and I come from a very male dominant culture with strong gender roles.  Growing up, my siblings and I were pushed to conform to the rules and regulations of what a girl is suppose to do and not to do.  It always falls back to saving face and performing so others can see that my parents were good people with good reputations.  I've always had a lot of pressure to set the example and be the quiet and obedient daughter they wanted me to be.  I'm really the opposite of everything they expected me to be because I don't believe in making them happy, because I have to make myself happy first.  I'm not a "rebellious" person by any means, I just always wanted to fit in with all my normal friends.  Well, in any case, growing up with all the verbal abuse at home from my parents and their constant fighting and nitpicking, I finally moved away and have a family of my own.  I've always helped out my family financially whenever they needed me.  

My relationship with my parents have always been strained, but we've all tried to be positive for the sake of my daughter knowing her grandparents.  Recently, my father called me to talk and it turned into a very negative situation.  After the multiples requests for financial help in the past year, which I gave willingly, he proceeded to berated me for being a failure, for not getting my degree yet (I'm currently back in school), and he brought up some of the people that I grew up with and started comparing my life to theirs...needless to say, I couldn't get a word in and hung up on my father.  I've never felt so bad and low about myself....in a long time.  I know I'm suffering from depression, and I haven't built up the courage to get medical assitance.  

I haven't talked to my parents for months now.  Just last week, I got a phone call and a message from my father.  After expressing the fact that he's not mad at me, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!, he asked me for financial assistance.  I was incredulous and angry! I am through with my parents.  At the same time, I know I shouldn't be, but I feel guilty for not helping, I know I need to live my own life, but I think about the negative things he said about me and it makes it hard for me to focus on schoolwork, family life, family communication.  What can I do to move on?  WHy do I feel like such a bad daughter when I know I'm not?  

[FrenchVanillaCoffee]

Exchanging emails and gifts would be OK with me, too, if that was the case with my parents.  It seems like they are always asking me for money!  For one thing or another.  I know it's because they believe children are born to take care of their parents.  My religion doesn't have a God/gods, so we were taught that nothing is higher than our parents, they are the ones who gave us life, to defy them is taboo!  I realize now that it is soooooo wrong!  But as children, we didn't know that, of course.  

I wish the relationship was as simple as just pictures, emails, and gifts.  I'm happy things worked out for you.

[425runner]

I had the same experience with my parents!! I left the house at 18 and never returned back, just as you're describing they set those ridiculous expectations that I never lived up to. Thanks to my rebellious personality, I just decided to live my own life. Now, I'm happily married and while I never go visit them, we exchange emails and gifts etc. that's about all.

[FrenchVanillaCoffee]

Mammo!  I agree with everything you say, it's just very hard to communicate the same message to my parents, they are very rooted to their culture and misguided beliefs.  Yes, I know, they have asked for financial help the past few years...not because of emergegency, but because they've promised other people to do something or be somewhere...so they wanted help with expenses.  Yes, I know, shame on me for helping because I'm letting them use me.  

It's hard for me to forgive people, that's one of my biggest flaw, I hold very long grudges.  I'm a reasonably fair person, I'm very open-minded, I've met people from all walks of life so I consider myself to be someone who is capable of making wise decisions and have good judgements about others.

You are correct though, I need to forgive and let go and move on because if I don't, I'm going to continue building this anger and hatred inside of me.  Not to mention the fact that I'm desparately telling myself positive things everyday to keep from falling into my black hole of fear, anxiousness, depression...

Thank you so much.....it really helps to have other people BELIEVE me and tell me that I am justified in feeling what I feel.  

[mammo]

They put so much emphasis on you being a failure, yet they are always asking you for help financially?????  They are so wrong in how they have and are treating you!  Parents have to earn respect, it's not a given.  You're standing on your own two feet and it's time they do the same.  But you need to "forgive."  Forgiving them does not make their actions right, and it's not saying you condone their actions, it is merely laying down the anger and walking away. You don't even have to ever speak to them again.....I wouldn't want to. If you don't do this, it's going to eat you up inside and you don't deserve this!  Don't feel bad for not helping your parents, they have abused your kindness and beat down your self-esteem. You have your own family now, concentrate on the people who truly love and support you.  You have nothing to feel bad about.  I wish you all the best and take care!

[FrenchVanillaCoffee]

You're right, I need to go see a counselor, I'll have to call and setup an appointment, I need some help....I don't think the relationship can be restored, because no matter what happens, they always make me the one at fault here.  Thanks.

[lovemykids465]

Have you seen a counselor?  I have a friend who went through this and she went to counseling for herself first and once she completed that she was able to stand up for herself, be honest with her family and their relationship is now restored.