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Avatar universal

PLEASE HELP! I really feel like I need help, I don't know what to do...

Hello, my name is Chelsea and I'm 17 years old.

I don't know how or why this started.
From ages 4 till 8 I was a confident, normal seeming child.
By the time I turned 10, I was extremely shy and I had a very small friend group.
I went three years like this, making no friends and I was terrified of anyone that disliked me. I kept my distance.
When I first started secondary school things got worse. I had one friend from my primary school.
I made a new friend. It turns out that she was a fake and used me for information. She took all of my secrets and posted them online.. I was younger, my hormones were crazy, my anxiety was explosive and I'd cry and the thought of going outside.
When them secrets got online, they spread. My Facebook was full of nasty comments, I got nasty phone calls. Life was hell and I honestly did consider suicide, although I wouldn't of had the guts to do it.
I ended up moving out of town and moving schools due to the bullying.

Since that day, my life has been better.
I have friends, I don't get bullied and to be honest, I love that feeling.
People in this school did tease me a little, but that's just school life right? But it seemed I couldn't handle it.
My step dad died about 4 months ago, something weird started to happen to me.
I loved that man like he was my real father. He practically raised me.
Ever since that happened I'd be sad, a lot.

If one of the boys in my class were to make a snide comment on how I looked or anything to that sort. I would burst out in to tears and become extremely violent. One snide comment would leave me horrifyingly upset for about a week straight.

Teachers would yell at me for walking out of class due to being upset, at that point I go crazy. I start screaming, swearing, punching walls, throwing stuff around.
When this happens I generally feel like I can't control myself..
It's like something else takes over.
I was extremely quiet for those months..
The sound of people speaking in the class would make me angry and upset.
I'd get suspended for getting so mad at everyone.
This made stuff even worse at home..
Every single day I felt like I was alone, I liked it that way. I didn't want to be around anyone other than my internet friends.
During these days I would come home, turn on my Pc and spend my days talking to my friends and playing games with them on Steam.
This was the only thing that took my mind off things.
When I was upset, they'd help me. Unlike any of my "Friends" in real life
I like being alone all the time now. I cry thinking of having to face people outside, having to socialise. The feeling is horrible..
I'm constantly achy, tired and I haven't been bothered to do anything I used to love doing, like art and dance.

The anger is the part that scares me a lot.
When I get angry, I don't know why.
The slightest thing will make me kick off..
I'll then burst in to tears because I'm scared and don't know why I'm angry.
For the rest of what happens I feel like I don't control.
(Sorry if this is repetitive but I'm struggling to explain my situation)

I've had 7 weeks off school and I've been inside, every single day.
On my Pc, coding games, helping my friend with his website and generally just having fun!
I've been extremely happy.
But yesterday I've came to terms that I go back to school in 4 days.

The depression has hit me again and even thinking about going back makes me burst out in to tears and not want to live.
I like being anti-social.. Is that normal?

My school tried to give me a  referral to orchard house (Hospital, Mental care place)
Even after not asking what was wrong with me.
They thought I was just mental and crazy?!
It upset me deeply.
I really wish someone would understand me..
My life has been a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. Right now, I'm at one of my lowest points and I really need some help.
Please, please comment on here and give me some advice on what to do and tell me why I feel like this.

I want to know why I feel this way. I want to know why I get so angry.

People have said it could be imbalanced hormones, but I doubt it could get as extreme as I have been.

I really need my head to be cleared.
Any advice will be taken.
Please.
Help.
20 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi honey, this is way beyond my expertise sorry : )
However, im so terribly sorry with everything you have gone through, its not fair, and its definantly not normal being so angry. Did something happen when you were 10 to set these emotions off ??
Did your mum and dad fight or was there mental or sexual abuse in the home ??
And have you been shown unconditional love by your parents ??
Im sorry on the passing of your father, im sure he was a good man !!!
Not being able to stand hearing people talk around you is a common sign of anger issues. I cant think if the proper name sorry.
Its not totally normal to be so withdrawn from the world, but its not uncommon either.
I dont like to talk to people, make friends or visit even my family. I like life at home away from the world. Its my comfort zone and im happy that way. I like talking on this forum though.
I was never bullied at school but would stick up for those who were.
School can be a cruel place for others being nasty and teasing people. It is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.
Your teacher should be trying to help you and be getting involved in finding out the root of the problem, not wiping his/her hands with you because its too hard to deal with !!! Unfortunantly this happens all too often !!!
I suffered with depression and social anxiety phobia for many years, but i was sexualy abused for years and had violence in the home with my parents. I was also diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. So, i turned to drugs at 17. Im clean now, but im also 36 years old. Its taken me 17 years to want to fix my life. Now im in a good place in my life.
You need to seek a medical professional to work through your problems and find out if you have a chemical imbalance or if being bullied has affected you mentally.
I wish i could help you more, but i have had the same anger issues as you and withdrawling from the world, but i know what caused mine. I dont know what the cause of yours is, but i do know how frustrating and uncontrolling it can be, its not a nice feeling at all.
I hope you can find answers, my prayers are with you honey.
People only bully because they are not happy within themselves, and bullying makes them feel like the're someone and usually something is happening in their home to treat people this way. But it is very wrong and can destroy a persons hopes and dreams and cause mental anguish for many years.
Take care sweety, i really am sorry you are going through tough times xxx
Avatar universal
Thank you very, very much! :)
Avatar universal
Anytime sweety : )
Someone with more experience will answer you soon.
Avatar universal
I sure hope so! :)
Avatar universal
Me too girl, not sure why no one has responded, dont worry about it, can u ask the same question in the anxiety forum instead, maybe someone will take the time to answer you. I will check to see if you have someone respond and if not, one of my good friends in the addiction forum will send you s private message or comment on your question. I thought Nurse Girl would of answered you, but i think shes flat out these days. Hold tight hunny, i will try get someone now for you xx
6990909 tn?1435279416
Hi There!  Thanks Amanda for letting us know as I don't often hit this forum.
I have been off and on anti-depressants over the past maybe 10 years or so.  These meds can be very helpful in situations such as yours.

You have been thru quite a lot in your short life.  I can relate to the bullying as I was very much the nerdy kid when I was your age.  I also lost my wonderful mother when I was 21.  Now that I am a mother, I am dealing with the bullying all over again with my 13 year old son.  My son was suicidal last year and I had to make arrangements for an emergency psyche eval and then he began seeing a wonderful counselor who has helped him turn his life around.  Your story especially touches my heart as I look at my boy.

Hormones at your age can definitely be adding to your anger.  However, I do believe that you have suffered a lot of sadness.  The anger and sadness can cause you to spiral...it becomes tough for teachers and schools to know how to manage it.  Not that they shouldn't, I think they don't know what to do or how to handle.  

I strongly advise you seeking some medical treatment.  I think a counselor/therapist would do wonders for you.  You are obviously a bright young man who has so much to give the world.  I hate to see you avoiding "real life" folks in your life as they can give you so much that your on-line friends can not. Trust me, I love my online friends (esp Amanda), but sometimes seeing smiles and giving and receiving hugs is something that you can't replace.  

I hope you find the answers and help that you need to get your anger and sadness in check. You deserve nothing less than happiness.  Please try and talk to somebody about getting counseling.  They can help you work thru all of your struggles and put a smile back in your heart.

Take care of you sweetie and stick around, k?
Hugs and prayers to you!
J
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