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Avatar universal

PLEASE HELP! I really feel like I need help, I don't know what to do...

Hello, my name is Chelsea and I'm 17 years old.

I don't know how or why this started.
From ages 4 till 8 I was a confident, normal seeming child.
By the time I turned 10, I was extremely shy and I had a very small friend group.
I went three years like this, making no friends and I was terrified of anyone that disliked me. I kept my distance.
When I first started secondary school things got worse. I had one friend from my primary school.
I made a new friend. It turns out that she was a fake and used me for information. She took all of my secrets and posted them online.. I was younger, my hormones were crazy, my anxiety was explosive and I'd cry and the thought of going outside.
When them secrets got online, they spread. My Facebook was full of nasty comments, I got nasty phone calls. Life was hell and I honestly did consider suicide, although I wouldn't of had the guts to do it.
I ended up moving out of town and moving schools due to the bullying.

Since that day, my life has been better.
I have friends, I don't get bullied and to be honest, I love that feeling.
People in this school did tease me a little, but that's just school life right? But it seemed I couldn't handle it.
My step dad died about 4 months ago, something weird started to happen to me.
I loved that man like he was my real father. He practically raised me.
Ever since that happened I'd be sad, a lot.

If one of the boys in my class were to make a snide comment on how I looked or anything to that sort. I would burst out in to tears and become extremely violent. One snide comment would leave me horrifyingly upset for about a week straight.

Teachers would yell at me for walking out of class due to being upset, at that point I go crazy. I start screaming, swearing, punching walls, throwing stuff around.
When this happens I generally feel like I can't control myself..
It's like something else takes over.
I was extremely quiet for those months..
The sound of people speaking in the class would make me angry and upset.
I'd get suspended for getting so mad at everyone.
This made stuff even worse at home..
Every single day I felt like I was alone, I liked it that way. I didn't want to be around anyone other than my internet friends.
During these days I would come home, turn on my Pc and spend my days talking to my friends and playing games with them on Steam.
This was the only thing that took my mind off things.
When I was upset, they'd help me. Unlike any of my "Friends" in real life
I like being alone all the time now. I cry thinking of having to face people outside, having to socialise. The feeling is horrible..
I'm constantly achy, tired and I haven't been bothered to do anything I used to love doing, like art and dance.

The anger is the part that scares me a lot.
When I get angry, I don't know why.
The slightest thing will make me kick off..
I'll then burst in to tears because I'm scared and don't know why I'm angry.
For the rest of what happens I feel like I don't control.
(Sorry if this is repetitive but I'm struggling to explain my situation)

I've had 7 weeks off school and I've been inside, every single day.
On my Pc, coding games, helping my friend with his website and generally just having fun!
I've been extremely happy.
But yesterday I've came to terms that I go back to school in 4 days.

The depression has hit me again and even thinking about going back makes me burst out in to tears and not want to live.
I like being anti-social.. Is that normal?

My school tried to give me a  referral to orchard house (Hospital, Mental care place)
Even after not asking what was wrong with me.
They thought I was just mental and crazy?!
It upset me deeply.
I really wish someone would understand me..
My life has been a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. Right now, I'm at one of my lowest points and I really need some help.
Please, please comment on here and give me some advice on what to do and tell me why I feel like this.

I want to know why I feel this way. I want to know why I get so angry.

People have said it could be imbalanced hormones, but I doubt it could get as extreme as I have been.

I really need my head to be cleared.
Any advice will be taken.
Please.
Help.
20 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi honey, this is way beyond my expertise sorry : )
However, im so terribly sorry with everything you have gone through, its not fair, and its definantly not normal being so angry. Did something happen when you were 10 to set these emotions off ??
Did your mum and dad fight or was there mental or sexual abuse in the home ??
And have you been shown unconditional love by your parents ??
Im sorry on the passing of your father, im sure he was a good man !!!
Not being able to stand hearing people talk around you is a common sign of anger issues. I cant think if the proper name sorry.
Its not totally normal to be so withdrawn from the world, but its not uncommon either.
I dont like to talk to people, make friends or visit even my family. I like life at home away from the world. Its my comfort zone and im happy that way. I like talking on this forum though.
I was never bullied at school but would stick up for those who were.
School can be a cruel place for others being nasty and teasing people. It is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.
Your teacher should be trying to help you and be getting involved in finding out the root of the problem, not wiping his/her hands with you because its too hard to deal with !!! Unfortunantly this happens all too often !!!
I suffered with depression and social anxiety phobia for many years, but i was sexualy abused for years and had violence in the home with my parents. I was also diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. So, i turned to drugs at 17. Im clean now, but im also 36 years old. Its taken me 17 years to want to fix my life. Now im in a good place in my life.
You need to seek a medical professional to work through your problems and find out if you have a chemical imbalance or if being bullied has affected you mentally.
I wish i could help you more, but i have had the same anger issues as you and withdrawling from the world, but i know what caused mine. I dont know what the cause of yours is, but i do know how frustrating and uncontrolling it can be, its not a nice feeling at all.
I hope you can find answers, my prayers are with you honey.
People only bully because they are not happy within themselves, and bullying makes them feel like the're someone and usually something is happening in their home to treat people this way. But it is very wrong and can destroy a persons hopes and dreams and cause mental anguish for many years.
Take care sweety, i really am sorry you are going through tough times xxx
Avatar universal
Thank you very, very much! :)
Avatar universal
Anytime sweety : )
Someone with more experience will answer you soon.
Avatar universal
I sure hope so! :)
Avatar universal
Me too girl, not sure why no one has responded, dont worry about it, can u ask the same question in the anxiety forum instead, maybe someone will take the time to answer you. I will check to see if you have someone respond and if not, one of my good friends in the addiction forum will send you s private message or comment on your question. I thought Nurse Girl would of answered you, but i think shes flat out these days. Hold tight hunny, i will try get someone now for you xx
6990909 tn?1435275816
Hi There!  Thanks Amanda for letting us know as I don't often hit this forum.
I have been off and on anti-depressants over the past maybe 10 years or so.  These meds can be very helpful in situations such as yours.

You have been thru quite a lot in your short life.  I can relate to the bullying as I was very much the nerdy kid when I was your age.  I also lost my wonderful mother when I was 21.  Now that I am a mother, I am dealing with the bullying all over again with my 13 year old son.  My son was suicidal last year and I had to make arrangements for an emergency psyche eval and then he began seeing a wonderful counselor who has helped him turn his life around.  Your story especially touches my heart as I look at my boy.

Hormones at your age can definitely be adding to your anger.  However, I do believe that you have suffered a lot of sadness.  The anger and sadness can cause you to spiral...it becomes tough for teachers and schools to know how to manage it.  Not that they shouldn't, I think they don't know what to do or how to handle.  

I strongly advise you seeking some medical treatment.  I think a counselor/therapist would do wonders for you.  You are obviously a bright young man who has so much to give the world.  I hate to see you avoiding "real life" folks in your life as they can give you so much that your on-line friends can not. Trust me, I love my online friends (esp Amanda), but sometimes seeing smiles and giving and receiving hugs is something that you can't replace.  

I hope you find the answers and help that you need to get your anger and sadness in check. You deserve nothing less than happiness.  Please try and talk to somebody about getting counseling.  They can help you work thru all of your struggles and put a smile back in your heart.

Take care of you sweetie and stick around, k?
Hugs and prayers to you!
J
6990909 tn?1435275816
Your profile says Male but Amanda references u as girl...I'm sorry if I referenced you as a male when u r a female.:(
Please replace my "bright young man" with "bright young teen". :)
Avatar universal
One line stands out, "my life has been full of UPs and DOWNs," yet you focus primarily on the anger and depression. Could you describe what you mean by ups? Do you feel really good, even unstoppable in those ups, or are those time simply relaxed and peaceful? What is going on in your thoughts while you are angry or depressed, do you obsess on something and have it turn around in your head like a hamster on a wheel? You said you lose control, as if someone else is controlling you. Are you able to calm yourself down once you isolate?

I know it's a lot of questions, but I am trying as hard to understand as you are trying to express yourself. You don't have to be crazy to talk to a psychiatrist, maybe your school was actually trying to help. As long as you have battled with these things, it doesn't sound like it would hurt to talk to someone who is objective and knowledgable about mental health. Whether these things are caused by chemical imbalance or trauma, it doesn't hurt to learn some coping skills. I think everyone should learn Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I battle with very deep depression, where I hide under the covers and wait. I have found ways to make it better, so know there is always hope. Keep an open mind, be willing to go just beyond your comfort zone, and continue to seek answers. You will find your way, there is no doubt in my mind. I wish I had sought help at your age, I could have avoided much heartache and trouble. You already started the path to recovery, just by reaching out here. You are not alone.
Avatar universal
When I say "my life has been full of UPs and DOWNs". I mean that there's times that I have nothing on my mind, things are peaceful and I feel like I need to worry about nothing.

Back when I used to enjoy going out, being with one or two friends and having fun or just those simple nights alone with online friends, playing games and being happy.
I'm happy with simple things.
It's things like being with lots of people or people I don't know very well.
I always feel like people are talking about me or...
I think it was the bullying that set that off.
I used to have people mock me and tell me that I'm ugly or.. You know?
When I'm around people, I have a constant thought of people around me judging me or thinking about me wrongly.
It gets me really upset and I get so anxious over it.

I'm usually in class when I get angry or depressed.
When I'm sitting in the back of the class alone, I try to blank people out.
However, I find it impossible to do it..
When I first notice that I'm going to "Kick off", I can feel it building up inside me. I feel tears and anger rushing to my head. At this point, I stay in class and try to get my head around it, as I know people just speaking won't make me go crazy like I usually do. Then there's this one person, either a teacher or a student that comes over and speaks to me. The teacher usually says "Get on with your work or it's a detention", the student usually either says something to tease me. (because that's what school's apparently about, it's also usually the boys that do this). Or they'll ask me if I'm OK, when I tell them I want to be alone they'll ask me to tell me what's wrong. At this point I'm raging with fury and I can't take it any more. When I get like this, I feel like someone else is controlling me. I don't realise someone like "me" could do stuff so violent.. I then begin crying because I don't understand why I'm so angry or know why I'm doing what I'm doing.
After this I'd usually walk out of class.
Try to be alone. This is usually the part that gets me suspended.
I have teachers following me, telling me to stop walking away. Shouting at me, telling me I'm going to get suspended and that it's not worth walking away from. If it's not too bad I'll go to my patrols office and sit in there to calm my self down and she'll get me a cup of tea. If I'm on a really bad rampage, I'd run up the school field and sit up there until I've stopped crying. I'll smoke a cig or two to take my mind off things. People say "Smoking doesn't stop anger". It doesn't stop it but it sure does take my mind off of what ever is going on at that point (Please no smoking lectures :P). After that I'd go back down field, then go to my pastrol and sit there until the end of the school day or sent home. I usually get suspended for that because I walked out of a class and disobeyed orders.
At one point that this happened, I went with the teachers as I was on a full rampage. They told me that I could be alone and they'd send me home after I'd spoke to someone. This one teacher had been very rude to me and I told them that I didn't want to see her at all or I'd kick off again.
They obviously didn't respect the fact that I didn't want to see her.
I was sitting in the front office, calming myself down, alone. Then she comes around the corner and asked to speak to me. Since then, I've trusted no one at my school and used the option of running up field.

So basically, once I'm alone I'm fine. Sometimes I'll still be extremely depressed even when I'm alone, like the last week. If a member of my family talk about school, I burst in to tears. If a member of my family talks about my anger and tell me that I can control it easily, I cry.
My family do NOT understand me at all.
They just think of me as a hormonal teenager.
I know, I know I am.
I try explaining to my mother that I need help, motivation something that would stop me feeling like this. She just tells me to deal with it and get on at school.
She never, ever gives me sympathy because she just thinks I'm trying to be a rebel at school, etc, etc, etc. I try explaining to her how I feel and I'm never right, always wrong,
I had no where else to turn to. I really want this to stop, I really do.
Thank you so much for replying back.  
Avatar universal
Thank you very much for the advice and help. It really gives me hope.
Avatar universal
Thank you very, very much!
1551327 tn?1514045867
Anger is neither good nor bad...it is just anger.  It can be used to create or destroy.  I will tell you how I dealt with my anger when I was younger and even now as it is still a part of me that can be triggered.
When I was younger I would use the anger to create.  I created a super hero inside myself.  I started exercising and doing martial arts and after a while the things that I trained my body to do made me actually feel like a super human :)
These days I meditate a lot.  It helps with my anger and anxiety but it is still there.  The depression is not bad lately but if anything got triggered it would be my depression because it is the easiest to trigger.  It takes a lot to pull out the anger.
You are not broken, just scarred and afraid.  Being aware of what you are afraid of will help you to face it.
Avatar universal
Your stories remind me of when I stood up, thew my desk against the wall, and told my teacher she was a f'ing biatch. I tried to walk off campus and was grabbed at the gate and locked in a room by myself. My parents thought I was just a hormonal teen as well, so I feel you on how hard this can be. It turns out I have a chemical imbalance that was never formally diagnosed until I was over 40. I don't sense that is your issue, though there is no way to know online.

What I read into your story is tunnel vision and some agoraphobia. It seems that you have some esteem issues as well. For example, when a boy says your ugly, or whatever, it hurts you. You obsess on what people around you think of you, not what you think of yourself. I understand that, but if you could learn to love yourself no matter what you look like or what others think of you, those comments wouldn't hold so much power over you. I also get not wanting to express what is wrong, it seems you never get a good response or genuine help from trying to explain. Your wishes of not wanting to speak to a teacher are not being respected. Your parents say it's all you. You have had bullies and loss. All these things make it hard to view yourself, like Bubulous said, like your own superhero. Growing up is a hard thing to do, especially for people who are sensitive. That sensitivity is good character trait, but without guidance or self-esteem, it can be very painful and isolating.

There is a book I really like, "The Feeling Good Handbook," by David D. Burns. I bought, with shipping, for less than $10 on amazon.com. I highly suggest you get that book and start doing the exercises in it, actually do the written assignments. There is a test in it to find your areas of weakness and strength that helps you see your progress as you learning new ways of thinking. It was designed to help clinically depressed people see where there thinking goes wrong, to end up in the state of mind that leads to rage, doubt, etc...It also gives other ways of thinking that are healthy replacements for those self defeating thoughts. I would also suggest trying to see a therapist who specializes in Cognative Behavioral Therapy, but it doesn't sound like you are getting much support and may not have that as an option.

Being that a couple of cigs and some time alone calm you down and you can get over, my instinct is that you don't have a chemical imbalance, but are at a hormonal age and have had a bad run of things, but that is from the little I know of you. When I get angry or depressed, nothing but a lot of time will bring me out of it. I ended up addicted to drugs to cope, but even powerful drugs can't stop my condition, they only help a little. Don't make those mistakes I did. If you have to, go crazy on purpose and demand help. Please don't self medicate with alcohol or drugs. There will come a time that cigs won't cut it any longer, get help before you graduate to something stronger. No lecture, just concern for you future.

You have online friends, what else do you have going that is good? Disqualifying the good is a common trait in depressed people. Try to tell us of some of the things you love or care about. What are your good characteristics? We can build on those things and make them stronger and then heal all the issues with those. I can tell you are a nice person, you don't seem to blame anyone for your feelings, but see them as triggers. Do you do art, write, exercise? What are you passionate about?
8976007 tn?1413330650
wow, you pretty much described me as a teen.

i have always been extremely shy and introverted.  hated school and anything that required speaking to people.

not much has really changed.  just kind of the way i am wired.  
it did get better when i FORCED myself to be in social situations.  jobs as a waitress or bartender for example.

i too have the anger deal.  i have periods of black out when i get mad.  especially when i was in school.  

you have had the luxury of being able to start over in a new school.  not many people get that chance.  you need to 'fake it til you make it'.  'pretend' to love being social.  this will force you into those situations and eventually you will not have to 'fake it'.

don't allow anyone to make you angry.  there is a book called 'don't sweat the small stuff'.  there is a lot of truth in that book.
i have taught myself to not allow people to make me lose control.  if i allow them to then i have lost.  plus, you don't want to accidentally hurt someone or God forbid kill them and spend the rest of your life in prison.

i think you are perfectly normal.  
i do think you would benefit from therapy as mentioned above.  if they feel you would benefit from medication, then so be it.  cognitive behavioral therapy will just teach you things you would have to learn the hard way on your own.  it would help you so much.

being a teenager is so hard.  just hang in there you are almost done and can then start college, which is a whole lot of fun.
Avatar universal
Thank you for that, I'll take them suggestions in mind. :)
Also, when I was younger I did art and went to dancing groups.
Now're days I still draw here and there, but it's mostly just manga.
I'm also studying computer science, graphic design, media and music.
I'm very keen on playing piano, creating my feelings using Photoshop, I like editing my gaming videos or making parodies of other viral videos to upload them to my Youtube. I also enjoy programming and helping my friend with his website.

I love my family more than anyone, but it's hard to do that when they all just disregard me as a hormonal teen that can deal with their own problems.

I can't really think of any good characteristics of the top of my head, sorry.
Thanks for this btw.
Avatar universal
Thank you! :)
Avatar universal
It feels arrogant to think of our good characteristics, so it can be hard. When I quit opiates, it was suggested I list my good qualities. Like you, I couldn't think of any. I started by listening for others compliments to me, even if I didn't agree, I wrote them down. I realize now that it would be arrogant to think I am better than anyone, but it is not arrogant to recognize the good in me. I am smart, creative, empathetic, helpful, adventurous, not more than anyone else, but I came to terms thAt I DO have those qualities.

I'll help you start. You are obviously smart, to do all that programming. You are expressive and creative with music, visual arts and technology. You are a loving person, with strong family values. I see all that just by your interests, concerns, and what you enjoy doing. Keep searching you soul and making a list. When you feel down or make a mistake, look at that list and remind yourself, "at least I still have those things going for me, it's not all bad." That can help you stay out of that tunnel vision that consumes you, no matter how bad things feel, there is always some good still left. We just have to remember it's there and embrace it.
Avatar universal
Hm, I'll give that characteristics idea a try. Thank you.
Avatar universal
Hi sweets! I've worked in the healthcare field going on four years now, and your case sounds similar to some I've seen and or been around, actually my aister's husband is who I am referring to as being one. His story is very similar to yours. Have you ever heard of  Asperger syndrome? It's another form of autism and sounds very similar to your symptoms and feelings ylpu described. You should really talk to your doctor hun.:)
10533354 tn?1410847603
I applaud you my dear I would have never had the courage to be as open as you. When I was in school I was similar to you but instead of outward violence mine was to myself.  Cutting, hitting myself, or just trying to hurt myselfin any way. My escape was art. I live to draw and sketch it's my life. I would like to tell you like many others from personal experience get help if you can. I waited till I tried to kill myself at age 16 then finally admitted I had something wrong. It's been 10 years and I am so much better now. I'm off the depression meds now I have a beautiful family. Like you said family is everything. I don't know if any of this helps you. But I am proud of you for realizing something is wrong I hope that you find the thing or person to help you through it. Just remember we are out here to. There are many of us that are similar. You are not crazy just need a little help that's all. Well God bless you. If you would like you can message back to talk some more.
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