Hello, my name is Chelsea and I'm 17 years old.
I don't know how or why this started.
From ages 4 till 8 I was a confident, normal seeming child.
By the time I turned 10, I was extremely shy and I had a very small friend group.
I went three years like this, making no friends and I was terrified of anyone that disliked me. I kept my distance.
When I first started secondary school things got worse. I had one friend from my primary school.
I made a new friend. It turns out that she was a fake and used me for information. She took all of my secrets and posted them online.. I was younger, my hormones were crazy, my anxiety was explosive and I'd cry and the thought of going outside.
When them secrets got online, they spread. My Facebook was full of nasty comments, I got nasty phone calls. Life was hell and I honestly did consider suicide, although I wouldn't of had the guts to do it.
I ended up moving out of town and moving schools due to the bullying.
Since that day, my life has been better.
I have friends, I don't get bullied and to be honest, I love that feeling.
People in this school did tease me a little, but that's just school life right? But it seemed I couldn't handle it.
My step dad died about 4 months ago, something weird started to happen to me.
I loved that man like he was my real father. He practically raised me.
Ever since that happened I'd be sad, a lot.
If one of the boys in my class were to make a snide comment on how I looked or anything to that sort. I would burst out in to tears and become extremely violent. One snide comment would leave me horrifyingly upset for about a week straight.
Teachers would yell at me for walking out of class due to being upset, at that point I go crazy. I start screaming, swearing, punching walls, throwing stuff around.
When this happens I generally feel like I can't control myself..
It's like something else takes over.
I was extremely quiet for those months..
The sound of people speaking in the class would make me angry and upset.
I'd get suspended for getting so mad at everyone.
This made stuff even worse at home..
Every single day I felt like I was alone, I liked it that way. I didn't want to be around anyone other than my internet friends.
During these days I would come home, turn on my Pc and spend my days talking to my friends and playing games with them on Steam.
This was the only thing that took my mind off things.
When I was upset, they'd help me. Unlike any of my "Friends" in real life
I like being alone all the time now. I cry thinking of having to face people outside, having to socialise. The feeling is horrible..
I'm constantly achy, tired and I haven't been bothered to do anything I used to love doing, like art and dance.
The anger is the part that scares me a lot.
When I get angry, I don't know why.
The slightest thing will make me kick off..
I'll then burst in to tears because I'm scared and don't know why I'm angry.
For the rest of what happens I feel like I don't control.
(Sorry if this is repetitive but I'm struggling to explain my situation)
I've had 7 weeks off school and I've been inside, every single day.
On my Pc, coding games, helping my friend with his website and generally just having fun!
I've been extremely happy.
But yesterday I've came to terms that I go back to school in 4 days.
The depression has hit me again and even thinking about going back makes me burst out in to tears and not want to live.
I like being anti-social.. Is that normal?
My school tried to give me a referral to orchard house (Hospital, Mental care place)
Even after not asking what was wrong with me.
They thought I was just mental and crazy?!
It upset me deeply.
I really wish someone would understand me..
My life has been a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. Right now, I'm at one of my lowest points and I really need some help.
Please, please comment on here and give me some advice on what to do and tell me why I feel like this.
I want to know why I feel this way. I want to know why I get so angry.
People have said it could be imbalanced hormones, but I doubt it could get as extreme as I have been.
I really need my head to be cleared.
Any advice will be taken.