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460185 tn?1326081372

Ready to give up

I'm really scared of committing suicide.  I see a therapist who does not hand out meds easily but she can't be there  all the time.  This weekend I nearly jumped in front of the subway.  There are times when I take over the counter meds intending to commit suicide.  I HATE IT!!!!  The reality is that I have had a number of losses that all came around the same time.  Now I am facing another loss over which I have no control and I'm scared of the helplessness and despair that make me want to commit suicide.  It's like hanging on by my fingernails.  My emotions and spirit hurt.  I want to make some changes but fear I'm too old to get a job, that I can't focus - there's more but don't want to write too much and bore everybody.  I don't think I really want to commit suicide or I wouldn't be afraid of doing it but am scared that an impluse might make me do it because hanging on is so difficult.

I'm hurting and in emotional and spiritual pain - like that Trent Reznor song sung by Johnny Cash "Hurt", that song really hits home.   I can't be any clearer.  I hurt and I'm scared I'll commit suicide.  Am afraid someone will say, "Do it and make the world a better place."

That's it.  Didn't mean to take up so much time.  After reading the posts on here I wonder if I have any right to inflict  my pain on others.   Fear of judgement or rejection.

lonewolf07

34 Responses
461069 tn?1206551205
Please find another doctor right away! There is nothing wrong with getting some relief from medication. Often the medication will get you to a place that will allow therapy to work. Anti-depressants usually take a few weeks to help, so the sooner you start the better. Do not make any decisions now regarding suicide, work, or any other life changes. Your thinking is clouded by your depression.
451366 tn?1211308532
To start...  I agree with willobird!  Find another doctor immediately!  I don't advocate drugs, but even I had to go on something when I felt like my world was going to crash down on me.  Find a medical doctor who will actually listen AND HEAR what you are saying so you can be properly diagnosed with the right meds.  Don't ever apologize for how you are feeling.  We are all important!  Even you!  I came close to committing suicide when I was a teenager.  I won't get into that, but suffice it to say I was in a bad way.  I stood there looking at the pills in my hand and the thought that came to mind was; if I do this, they win and I lose.  Don't do this, somebody out there loves you.  Remember, no matter how bad it feels, somebody will miss you.  Hang on to that, and don't be afraid to reach out.  I must say, it really helped me last week when I was having a hard time coming off meds.  This forum is a Godsend!
  Now, to address the other statement...  You are never too old to get a job!  I started a new career at the age of 44.  Now I am embarking on the start of another career.  I am 47.  It is never too late!  And never feel you are trapped in your first choice.  I became a cashier at the age of 42, and support worker at 44 and I am now looking at and finding passion in photography.  WHO KNEW!!!   None of these things really entered my mind as careers.  Being a cashier drove me nuts, but it got me out of the house and into something other than myself.  I absolutely love being a support person, but now I am absolutely passionate about photography.  Though I am not professional yet, I am published.  Reach for your dreams!  Life is way too short.  You are never too old to start something new!
457951 tn?1206222059
r u there WOLF!!!!!!!!
457951 tn?1206222059
i  am so much  STUPPIDER than u.........dont even  try

pleeze   if u   feel suicidal       yell!!  scream!!     i am a total  *** hole..........

ur not as bad as            i ammm!!!!          take care\

if it iz         that bad           610  965  1973
Avatar universal
if you do end up taking meds for depression, stay away from EFFEXOR! the withdrawal is worse than the actual depression itself. i have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years, and, despite what ignorant people may think, it is a very real and debilitating disease! my only advice, as far as the suicide is concerned, is DON'T DO IT! there is always another option, and i somehow managed to talk myself out of suicide at least a dozen times. have someone there with you as much as possible, and i really hope you feel better =[
460185 tn?1326081372
Sorry for taking to long to respond.  I'm still learning how to use this site - hope you understand.  Think I was unclear - my therapist is helpful but cannot "be there" in the middle of the night which is when these awful feelings often occur.  I do take meds, small doeses but they give temporary help.

I am very greatful that you communicated with me.   Not feeling totally alone makes a  big difference.

lonewolf

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