Depression Community
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Avatar universal

Really bad times

Can someone help me what to do?
I am straight male. During one night I was drunk and feel really tired and I slept with transsexual as receptive.
I really don’t know why I did that, maybe some OCD from porn or something, but now I am feeling different. I really want to commit suicide, I can not leave with this feeling and also worry about STD because still have healthy problems from that moment.
Any advice?
5 Responses
15695260 tn?1443705964
We are very sorry you are going through a bad time.  Please speak to your doctor about depression and your suicidal thoughts for help.  We've sent you some resources to help with that.  
Avatar universal
Have you gone to a doctor to get tested?  It doesn't sound like it.  You say you changed after one night of your life and that one night has so affected you that you want to commit suicide.  Really?  One experience was all it took to get you there?  I'm going to guess something wasn't going so well before that night.  I'm guessing you have some biases (it's okay, we all have some) about transsexuals that are causing you emotional pain.  So here's the thing -- you can find out about STDs by seeing a doc and getting tested, but you can't do that by worrying.  And you have some issues that you need to deal with.  A professional therapist would be a good place to start.  And if you really have been pushed to consider suicide you need help immediately, so are you really or are you exaggerating some?  It's okay, we all do that sometimes too.  My underlying point is, there is something going on with you deeper and probably longer lasting than one night's exploits.  That is what you should focus on.  Look at this as an opportunity to grow and learn, not as the end of the world.  Peace.
I have been tested for all STDs, infection diseases, and they didn’t find nothing. But I have healthy issues as subclinical hypothyroidism and muscle pain and no energy. I think that night made this because I was normal and healthy. But addiction in porn made this situation I am sure, I am straight person. Don’t know how to deal with this situation, I can not leave normal life after that and also can not talk about it. It’s a big shame
External User
Calmdown, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time.  Instead of asking why you did that, how about asking why your reaction is so strong?  What you are feeling as temporary, suicide is not.  My knee-jerk reaction is to "throw in the towel" when I've done something that I criticize myself harshly for.  Say a friend or a stranger comes up to you and tells you they did what you did.  How would you react?  What would you say?  You've learned you don't want to do this again.  Check that off your bucket list.  ;-)  Seriously, there is more to you than this one act.  Write down 5 things you love about yourself today, right now.  Tomorrow pick another 5.  Today may be hard.  It may be you like your biceps and your toenails are groomed to perfection.  With more practice, you will find you are thinking less negative things about you and spend more time searching for the good to write on your list.    Take control by going to a counselor and a clinic.  Get tested for STDs and talk to them about your health problem.  Go to someone new if you don't feel comfortable going to your regular health provider.   You can get through this, but not alone.  There are people out there, professionals and others, who will see you for you and not judge you by this one act.  Please don't sum up your life by this one thing.  It's going to be okay.  You are okay.  Post an update please, I'd like to know how you are feeling now.  <3
I can not afford to go to psychiatric or something like that. I must be physically and mentally okey. I think this is a big Stigma and Shame what I did. I was really scared about HIV but it’s still negative. This is really big deal with OCHD on porn, I don’t know what will be with my life in future, but I recognized that it will not be same
When you suffer stigma and shame for being a normal person, that's a mental problem.  If your religious beliefs make you crazy, I'm sorry, that's a mental problem.  If guilt ruins your life, that's a mental problem.  Until you admit that to yourself, you'll never seek help in a place it might be located.
Avatar universal
Problém is that I don’t think I am normal because I did what I did. And this is not normal, I feel very dirty and definitely not normal. Do you think when person do this, although he has girlfriend and normal life, family, everything, is he normal ?
Which means, being normal doesn't mean being perfect or matching what others might think.  It means being normal for a human being, and yeah, that's what you objectively are.  It's the subjective side of you that's driving you nuts and that needs to be dealt with.
Avatar universal
It is not normal and I am also suffering with health problem due to that session ... nobody knows what’s wrong with my body
You are convinced you got "subclinical hypothyroidism and muscle pain and no energy" from sex. Did the tranny use a condom?

Your tests show you have no std and the person advising you on the thyroid forum has stated she doesn't think your problem is from std, so those are 2 reasons to accept that your episode with the tranny has nothing to do with your health issue.
She agreed with your doctor that one thyroid test is not conclusive and to do the 6 month followup, so your focus should be on the depression until then. It will help deal with your depression if you accept that the tranny had nothing to do with your thyroid.
Sometimes a person who doesn't have any pains can develop what seems like pain symptoms when he thinks he has a disease. It is possible that your muscle pain and low energy are imagined from the stress of blaming yourself, so try to relax to see if muscle pain and no energy disappears while you wait for the 6 month test.

I also see this advice on the thyroid forum.
"TSH is affected by many things, other than direct thyroid hormone levels.  Since your thyroid hormone levels are normal and all of your tests have come back negative, we have to conclude that there is nothing wrong with you. "

You have been imagining a health problem that doesn't exist, so try to accept that your thyroid is functioning properly, which means you didn't get any disease from the  transsexual. Perhaps you should discuss this with your doctor or consider therapy because there is no reason to think about suicide. Your health is fine.
Testing TSH doesn't tell you if you have a thyroid problem, actually.  The only complete test, usually only available from holistic nutritionists, is to test the four main hormones that the thyroid is responsible for.  The best you usually get is to request a test for T3 and T4 and if you're lucky your doc will give you that.  This has nothing to do with this poster -- you can't get a thyroid problem from sex or an STD, it's a different thing -- but a lot of people do get anxiety from thyroid problems and they are usually improperly attended to by doctors and so can go undiagnosed for ages while docs keep plying the patient with antidepressants and benzos for what is an endocrinological problem.
Wait, that's testing for T1 and T2?  My mind has suddenly gone blank.  Anyway, it's testing for the individual hormones, while TSH is a general test that can indicate a problem exists but can't tell you a problem doesn't exist.
I'm going to skip the thyroid talk and go back to he heart of the issue. . . depression and anxiety.  In my opinion, you need true help with these mental health issues.  If you see that as THE illness you need to get help for (like all those you obsessively worry about) . . . you could make real progress to getting on with your life.  
All of his posts here were before he was advised on the thyroid forum that he had no real problem since his thyroid was working properly. So he was distrusting his doctor's opinion and checking that his thyroid was an issue prior to getting that information.

If you follow the info on that forum it appears he got good advice from Barb and his doctor, since the numbers were odd, to test again in 6 months.
To the poster, you seem very anxious over a number of things to the point of mentioning suicide. You need to speak to your doctor about your mental health as soon as possible for real help.  Good luck!
Thanks for all of your advice. But my problem is not mentally related. I have very weird physical symptoms since I did that mistake, so that is the reason due to which I am thinking about the worst STDs and it can ruin my life.
Thank you for understand
The doctors didn't find anything wrong but you still claimed on the thyroid forum that your thyroid was a big problem from an std which also did not exist. The thyroid is functioning at normal levels.

You didn't catch an std, but you claimed it had also created what you call the "weird symptoms". It is highly possible that what you consider to be weird symptoms are just in your imagination due to over-analyzing your body. A talk with your doctor may help you.
To this I agree.  I think stress is to blame for some of what is going on.  And if you do have some kind of thyroid issue, that it is unrelated to the sexual encounter you are having.  That you are trying to tie everything to the encounter, makes me think you suffer anxiety.  That you mention suicide makes me think you suffer depression.  Both of those make me think that things will greatly improve when you accept the mental health aspect to what is going on with you and get help for it.  good luck
not sexual encounter you are having////  the encounter you already had.  :>)
calmdown, all of us are telling you the same things, and you keep repeating the same things over and over and over.  If a friend of yours kept doing this about a problem to you, what would your advice be to him or her?  This repetitiveness is a very clear sign of increasing depression or anxiety or just runaway guilt, though we're not sure over what -- the fact you cheated on your wife or the fact the person turned out to be transsexual, it's hard to tell.  Whichever it is, eating yourself up with this guilt isn't going to help you, your wife, or anyone else.  Please, get help as we have all encouraged, no, urged, you to do.  
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