Recurring inability to focus on work at job

[gandolfication]

I know a lot of people hate, or don't like their job much.

The problem is something in me dissolves into just straight up seeming to not be able to make myself focus on even doing the basic tasks.

This has prompted me to change jobs and even careers, from law practice, back into legal sales.

anxiety (fear and worry about the future, making mistakes, imperfection, failure) and depression (regret about past results of the same, seem to be at the root.

I don't know what to do to change.  

I've tried A LOT of medication, therapy, mindfulness, CBT.
(I'm going to try hypnotherapy to hopefully help change some of the underlying thought patterns.)

When I change jobs, I have temporary recoveries where I perform well,  but they are getting shorter and shorter.

I'm working myself and about to start with a career consultant to try to determine something I think I'd like doing better, wouldn't find completely boring and virtually meaningless, and would be able to stay engaged with better.  I've taken personality tests, read books, and considered a lot of different things.

I always liked school and did well at it both in college and law school.  Teaching seems on obvious choice, and I am pursuing, but it is extremely slow, difficult and of course ('cause of how I perceive through depression), an awfully big long shot.

This feeling of failure and hopelessness is the reason I have felt like I wanted to die for the past 5-6 years.  

I am reading Self Compassion right now and have done various things to try to change this self talk, but it is a massive challenge.

Any thoughts, advice, encouragement, ideas, etc. are appreciated.
Thanks

[gandolfication]

The power of EA...and one day at a time.

I wrote this in response on another Forum, but thought I'd post part of it here as sort of an 'update' and also to encourage anyone else who might see it.



Recently, I have discovered Emotions Anonymous (and AA, although I'm not really an alcoholic), and at least in the short term, these groups have literally saved my life - and in part because they provided a spirituality based on seeking serentiy in 'a god of my understanding' This has been liberating and affirming for me because it guides and frees the program participants to make sense of the world and themselves by appealing merely to 'a power greater than myself', which can be 'love' 'acceptance' 'the universe' 'the group' some traditional god or whatever. I always thought these groups were just masking a form of Christian theism and trying to make it a little more palatable and esoteric (and this works for some), but that's not my experience at all so far. It just acknoweldges some greater power, a 'higher power' if you like, but leaves off all other baggage that may be frought with superstition, doubt, anger, fear, etc.

It allows me to trust again, achieve a coherrent reason-justification for being at peace - which my overactive mind always seems to want to reach for even if I don't need to fully understand it.


Really, what I wanted to say here, is that I am finding an amazing power in the process and expereince of participating with others in community and wisdom and practice in the 12-step groups. I am meeting many people who have had every bit as much a struggle with depressinon (and other challenges), who are different people now, healthy, well, in strong, consistent, recovery - some of them seemingly fully. For the first time, in many, many years, I have genuine hope and a quiet peace--I am confident can grow--toward mental and emotional welness.

I have tried a LOT of things a lot of times. I would encourage anyone out there who has never tried (or even if they have), to see if they can find an EA or even 'Open' AA or other 12-step group.


Hopefully, this may help someone else out there.



(I've had a long torturous journey from 'devout' Biblical literalist fundamental evangelical christian faith as a kid growing up to....all the way to militant atheism for a while (due to a combination of dealing with the problem of evil and intellectual skepticism), and have gradually clawed my way back to a more robust rational deism based largely on metaphysics and philosophy (logic), but always borne out of a deep emotional desire to want there to be a god who reconciles and makes sense out of the chaos and pain (as I think we all long for). I've written about this elsewhere here under "Anyone Else a Deist?" Depression and Religion Forum.)

[gandolfication]

Thanks MyYountAtHeart,

Your point is well taken.
Certainly, I agree that determination, motivation and perseverance over time are necessary, and no, I don't think I've always stuck with everything as long as what likely would be most effective.

Some times, some things I have, others not as much and I do lose the will with a lot of this - I just get exhausted from the chronic stress and anxiety.

[MYoungAtHeart]

You say that you have tried lots of medication, therapy, CBT and are now looking at hynotherapy.  But are you consistent with any of your treatments or are they like bandaids that you use for a short time and then move on to something else when the desired results do not occur in a small window of time.

To get to the root of any problem takes determination, motivation and having a promise to the self that you will persevere in the treatment.  Without these then a person is just window shopping, trying on a few alternative problem solving efforts and then moving on to something else.
Unfortunately the patterns of a life long history of being disappointed or depressed takes more then a few sessions with therapists or doctors.

There is always a love affair with a new job or opportunity on the horizon.  We imagine this will happen, or that will happen and go into it full of life and promise to ourselves, and then when every job or career ends up just like every other job or career path we have taken, we blame our choices, our schooling, our type of therapy and then get ready to move on to something else.

I do hope that you will make a committment to a therapy or therapist and explore yourself and your life for a block of time, say 6 months or a year.
What does happen in that amount of time is that deeper issues can be brought to the surface and addressed which is always a plus with therapy and also the reason a lot of people end therapy after a couple of sessions.

Good luck to you...
I do wish you the very best in your Life.

M

[mandy876]

sounds like you have big problems. have you talked to a doctor recently about your job situation.  if you have and they have not helped.  maybe consider a doctor change. sounds like your career changes could be a great idea.  teaching others can be great satisfaction.  you could help some young people make the right moves in their lives. you need to talk to someone to help you make the right choices in your life.  some one who is experienced in that field.  god bless you.  good luck.  mandy876