Stillness or Depression? Solitude or Isolation?

[Janzi]

Ok. It's time to fess up. I am getting worried about my situation. Is it Psychological Paralysis? Spiritual Suspension?

I am feeling no motivation to do all the things I used to enjoy, but my over analytical mind can rationalize and tell me that I am just experiencing "stillness" and need some 'space' to see where I want to go next. I tell myself I am going through a transition (another one?) and that this is the space between another life chapter....

The problem is, I have no idea where I wan to go, as I feel no want or desire for anything but time alone.
I used to be a very high performance person: racing bikes, dancing professionally, performing in circus troupes, leading classes, moving from city to city on an artist low-budget. I am independent and live within my meager means quite creatively and all. I am a survivor, and used to fly by the seat of my pants - yet have very little confidence in trying to carve out a 'real life' for myself now that I am 38 and the whole 'free spirit' lifestyle has lost it's appeal.

I feel a little numb and detached. The lack of 'passion' in my heart makes it even hard for me to weep despondently in a 'dark night of the soul'- so there is nothing to 'rise above'. There is no more drama, no more desire, no more frantic questioning...

I am afraid it is like a slow suicide, as if I may be preparing to 'go' since no one will notice if I am off the radar? I have been dropping off the social scene, don't enjoy what many of my peers enjoy and feel I have no purpose. I keep relationships at a certain distance, though I am well liked in many communities. I have no desire to further my social contact with anyone. I have nothing to prove and no more bells and whistles to bring out and show off anymore. I just don't care....

I have no post secondary education, as I was always intimidated by the commitment of years in an institution doing something I may not be interested in. The financial aspect is a little daunting as well. I can not decide on anything that I would like enough to commit a student loan to, though I LOVE learning and being in an environment of thinkers and creative activities.  Everything that I have tried to do lately, is like a half hearted attempt at 'education'- intellectual/creative 'filler' that is most unsatisfactory. ( I'm getting certified to teach spinning classes, and joined a physical theater group...Yawn.) It all seems pointless, as if I am trying to help out someone who really doesn't want help and doesn't care. (That person is me.)

Some days I feel inspired to do something really great with my life, something good for others as well,  and then I look at the 'reality', and convince myself that I will never go anywhere because it's not in my cards, no matter how possible it could be.

I sabotage the idea - abort it before it ever has a chance to manifest.

Anyway.. I just wanted to put it out there. I am scared and yet still detached. Everyday feels like a routine that is killing my spirit, and I am tired of trying to 'get better'. I've been trying to 'get better' all my freakin' life.

This is not living.. this is trying to live.

I am ready to give up trying.
I am not good at "Trying".

I like to do things Well, and Life is something I can't seem to Master....

Thanks.

[teko]

I am not sure why, but I do not get that you are ill. It sounds like you are more at a crossroads in your life and not sure where to go from here. You sound almost bored, looking for something that inspires you.  In the silence, keep your ears open. Listen and c what you hear. Contemplate, meditate, dream, and realize that you are a work in progress. Maybe you should remove the I from your sentence and replace it with He, God or whatever and c what happens. You remind me of an artist. Where the mind keeps turning day and night, you need an outlet for expression of the soul, like an artist or a writer. I am betting you are somewhat of a perfectionist and a dreamer. I think they call it creative these days! This probably makes no sense to anyone here but me. Truly, I hope you do not think me wierd! lol

[LeftCoastChick]

If you have already been to a few therapists and psychiatrists, what were your diagnoses?  You know, there is no quick cure of fix, you've been through a lot and you need to work hard to overcome what you've been through.

"I have seen so many psychologists and psychiatrists over the years. Never seems to do much, we talk about my crappy past, may dads suicide, my bout with cancer, the stupid abuse etc.. and I still have to just learn to like myself in the end and believe in myself.... I guess I'm just having a bad day. I just need to learn to cope better. "

If you do have ongoing depression, it may be more then simple depression but Major or Clinical depression, which does need meds.  Please ignore the previous  poster, many folks do extremely well on meds and  become very stable and do not get "doped up by some monkey in a white coat", including myself.  I'm not saying it's easier with meds, but they give you clarity to focus on your issues, which don't go away just by ignoring them. I went through years of abuse and abandonment issues, and it took close to 2 yrs in therapy for me to know that I've passed that hurdle and live without thinking about that time in my life. It's never easy, but you can overcome it.

[Expert Advice is awesome]

I don't think you are necessarily depressed or mentally afflicted by any of the millions of quantum disorders expressed by those on this site who only know how to regurgitate what they read in their psych. 101 textbook. I don't find your reality twisted and just because you no longer find interest in it does not make you depressed. In general, it sounds like the only difficulty you are dealing with is maturity. This is not meant in the good ol' change from adolescence into adulthood, but rather from one mindset to another where the latter is  better focused on what truly matters to you. Losing interest in what you used to like is not synonymous with depression, what if you used to like doing heroin and no longer have interest in partaking in that type of behavior? Most people would regard that as a positive so-called stride towards sobriety. However the moment you lose interest in juggling for example, society says that you are depressed simply because by forfeiting juggling, you are giving up something good (unlike heroin according to many) since you lose the ability to possess an "inherent artful display of coordination and balance". In all honesty, I think you are just having a moment of clarity and need to talk to a friend and figure out what is important for you and head in that direction. Screw meds, you are way too smart to be doped up by some monkey in a white coat who has bought into the quick fix approach to today's problems. You sound like an articulate person who has briefly left the cave and did not like what you saw and wish you could go back to the shadows cast on the cave wall (to use Plato's analogy of existentialism and the cave) and consider that to be reality again. Fight through it, think hard, the answers are easier than what they seem to be 99% of the time. Cheers.

[ILADVOCATE]

Two issues going on. What you mentioned as life issues are what one talks over with a psychologist. That's true. As for a psychiatrist if things don't feel right in some manner that's what you should talk about with them. Its not scary. It just might mean they need to adjust your medication. A psychiatrist will always ask you questions about what's going on in your life but you can bring up any issues of concern to you and should. They are there to help you. Think of it that way and tell them exactly what's going on and set up some specific recovery goals. If you think a specific discussion isn't helping explain to them why. Think what you want out of treatment and talk therapy and ask how you can acheive it.

[Janzi]

Now I am just scared...  These comments are more frightening, when you mention 'reality' I am not sure what you mean... My issues are generally self esteem, insecurity and perfectionism which lead to depression/anxiety.

I guess I should see a psychiatrist to deal with underlying issues that keep resurfacing every time I am going through a life challenge or change...

I have seen so many psychologists and psychiatrists over the years. Never seems to do much, we talk about my crappy past, may dads suicide, my bout with cancer, the stupid abuse etc.. and I still have to just learn to like myself in the end and believe in myself.... I guess I'm just having a bad day. I just need to learn to cope better.

[LeftCoastChick]

I think you really need to see a psychiatrist, because from what you've stated,. it seems more then "garden" variety depression, because you've questioned reality and losing touch. That could be a symptom of a different disorder, and you may need to switch to meds that can address that as well.  Self-care is great, but with pervasive issues while on meds means they may not be the right ones for your, nor do you probably have the proper diagnosis or a dual diagnosis. (which is what I have as well).

[Janzi]

Thanks for reading that drivel and for your comments. I appreciate your time.

I'm sorry it was so long winded.


ok- Reality? Losing touch?

Yeah perhaps, but whose reality?

Perhaps I don't understand reality as it is defined, and therefore will never feel like I am 'experiencing' it the way I am 'supposed' to. (As society would dictate?) Feeling as though I will never fit in, no matter how I may look the part on the outside. (Healthy, happy, attractive, friendly, intelligent, creative person on the surface - Messed up, self loathing, judgmental and emotionally terrified creature on the inside. A twisted version of some kind of M&M's candy! )

I guess I see the 'world out there' as a pretty hostile, superficial place full of false idols, cheap distractions, global imbalance and material waste.

* A world where vapid super models get paid millions for being nothing more that coked up anorexics who can wear fabric and stumble down a runway - While hard working, beautiful women are forced to wear religious garb to jobs they are allowed to go to, who can get acid tossed in their face, stoned or shot on sight if they show their eyes or ankles...

* A world where companies can sell cheap plastic disposable **** to mindless consumers everyday. Useless garbage that is purposely designed to be put into a landfill after one use, instead of creating sustainable products that could be used for years: All in the name of Profit..

* A world where animals are 'manufactured' for meat and consumed without any regard for the source, or the state if the life of the creature, before it came to be wrapped in a cellophane package and displayed nicely in a supermarket.

I digress.

So who's reality am I living in and why would I want to contribute to it anymore? I don't like what humans are doing to the world, and I try to do my best not to contribute to the violence and ignorance by living a life that is gentle to the environment (long before it was trendy) and by doing art, to create and teach beauty.

Now there is no reason to.. It just gets washed up in the sea of garbage that the majority of the world creates. Pollution, Violence, Sexually Exploitative Pop Stars with No Talent.. (and I am liberal minded trust me, but it's getting gross.) 4 story ads hanging off buildings with either a half nude girl crawling on her knees for some Vodka, or some masked terrorist, aiming a gun at passer-bys in an ad for a new video 'game'. I can't stand it anymore....

I am reduced to taking medication to even make it through my days here, in this place I have no love for, a world that seems to just nurture the most base human impulses and does little to encourage the best in human potential.

I thank you for your advice though.

I think ... I think too much.

[ILADVOCATE]

Feeling isolated and disconnected from the world can be a part of depression. But part of what you describe seems to be losing touch with reality somewhat. I would suggest speaking to your psychiatrist and explaining in detail what's going on so they can see how to best help you.