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Suicidal Urges

I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I'm popular, good-looking, social girl and about to finish university. I've always had good grades. And I have a close social circle. However, I've had extreme suicide ideation growing up and, rather than going away, it's now getting to the point where I am constantly searching up ways to kill myself online. And I'm now at this point where I'm constantly thinking of hanging myself. It literally doesn't go away except when I'm at a social event intoxicated. Despite having a number of people interested me, I'm both terrified in pursuing relationships and keeping them when I have one. I rarely go on dates. I'm constantly scared I'll disappoint people. I have really bad anxiety and lately, it seems my heart's always racing and I'm on the verge of having panic attacks even in public places. People consider me very social, extroverted but it's honestly an effort keeping that vibe going lately. I don't do drugs (lol) and this has nothing to do what that. I really need help. There is a part of me that really doesn't want to die but I'm afraid I'm losing out.
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547913 tn?1317355667

A Ballade of Suicide

The gallows in my garden, people say,
Is new and neat and adequately tall;
I tie the noose on in a knowing way
As one that knots his necktie for a ball;
But just as all the neighbours on the wall
Are drawing a long breath to shout "Hurray!"
The strangest whim has seized me... After all
I think I will not hang myself to-day.

To-morrow is the time I get my pay
My uncle's sword is hanging in the hall
I see a little cloud all pink and grey
Perhaps the rector's mother will NOT call
I fancy that I heard from Mr. Gall
That mushrooms could be cooked another way
I never read the works of Juvenal
I think I will not hang myself to-day.

The world will have another washing-day;
The decadents decay; the pedants pall;
And H.G. Wells has found that children play,
And Bernard Shaw discovered that they squall;
Rationalists are growing rational
And through thick woods one finds a stream astray,
So secret that the very sky seems small
I think I will not hang myself to-day.

ENVOI

Prince, I can hear the trumpet of Germinal,
The tumbrils toiling up the terrible way;
Even to-day your royal head may fall
I think I will not hang myself to-day.

By G.K. Chesterton
Avatar universal
Hey! Sorry you're going through this. You're very smart because you realize what's going on and is trying to make sense of this. I commend you for not acting on your suicide thoughts. It can be scary and tough. If I were you I would ask your Dr to test your thyroid ask for tsh, free t3, free t4. Ask for those specifically and post them in the thyroid community and ask them to help interpret the results. I would also seek a therapist if I were you to just be able to talk and let it all out. I wish you all the best. Its tough but hold on. You can also email me anytime you want to talk. God bless
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