I am writing because I want to help in what ways I can. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, though I do know many lovely people who have been. Unfortunately, I am not sure what the noise is that you have been experiencing. I used to get this high pitched dial-tone type ringing in my ear when I was a kid every once in a while. It happens very rarely in my adult life. I think mine is not uncommon. So, hopefully someone will be able to relate to the buzzing noise. It sounds pretty frightening.
Well, to get on with it:
I have lost many-a-job to depression. Failed multiple classes in college just because I didn't want to get out of bed. I couldn't. get. out. of. bed.
So, I know how that feels. I felt stuck. Are you sober? I've been living clean for over a year and a half after nearly FIFTEEN years of constant using.
I do deal with depression and a lot of apathy/anxiety/disconnection. I am diagnosed as having bipolar type 2 and generalized anxiety disorder. It might be more of a social anxiety thing now that I am not using drugs and alcohol anymore. I used to think people were going to shoot me. Kind of a paranoia/I don't know where that came from type of thing. I was getting off of my alcohol and cannabis dependence and other abused drugs at the time, maybe 6 months in, so it isn't too surprising I had anxiety about some different things at that time.
Anyway, I take 450mg Wellbutrin, 30mg Buspar, and 300mg Lamictal, flaxseed oil, multivitamin, and calcium daily. At the beginning of 2015, I had been working on getting rid of the 'blah' feeling that still remained pretty continuous. One of my more recent P-docs recommended that we increase my Lamictal mood stablizer/antidepressant(kinda) from 200mg to 300mg. I really wanted him to up the Wellbutrin. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression around two to three years ago, but have been treated for depression for around ten. I had been on Wellbutrin alone at one time and knew it made me feel great (albeit somewhat agitated - I AM bipolar and got some of the bipolar/antidepressant reactions that are known to be common). I finally convinced him that moving from 300mg to 450mg has helped the problem tremendously. 450mg is the max dose- also the dosage I had previously taken four years ago.
**Side note is be careful with Wellbutrin in respect to overdosing. I once accidentally took a double dosage, up to 900mg, which is where you can have seizures. I spent some time on the phone with poison control and they were trying to get me to call an ambulance or have someone watch me while I slept. Scary night.
Back to Wellbutrin - They increased it and I am feeling much better. Experiencing happiness an acceptable amount. I take two doses of Buspar which I am willing to increase to three (now that I have heard about that being possible).
My P-doc told me that Buspar (buspirone) is the only med that was designed solely for anxiety. It works very well and I recommend it. I would say increasing my Wellbutrin helped a lot with the depression, but I am socially awkward and trusting people has been a big issue for me.
Hope you feel better soon. Feel free to message me.
Yes!!! Like a dial tone sound with a hum attached to it..finally someone who has "heard" this.
But...this is the weirdest part.....I knew it was not going to happen, but, when I'd be driving, I had visions (inside my head) of the person pulling next to me shooting me in the head! This happened a lot. .so what you said about thinking you'd be shot, hit me hard..
I've never really actually been diagnosed with anything but bpd is what I'd guess if I had to.
Thanks for the reply and it's nice to know I'm not alone with these weird things..oh, I have a prescription for cannabis, really helps with pain and sleep..and I have a prescription for hydromorph continue for multiple back issues. .I don't abuse it..take as directed..I need something that boosts dopamine..because when I take my pain meds I feel normal..I don't get high from them..that's why I think my dopamine levels are lower than others because it literally makes me feel like before I was ever really depressed..
Could you give a bit more background on your chronic pain? I do not know the brain or bodies more than a psychiatrist or a doctor, so I really recommend speaking with them before trying to definitively decide on having a disorder or not.
I am a great proponent for the legalization of all drugs, but that is to actually reduce drug consumption. I won't open that can of worms. I do strongly believe that cannabis has several life-changing qualities about it. And I know this from experience. But like any medicine, it must be understood. The medicinal values from ingesting substances like cannabis can be difficult, as can pain pills. We can never say how things will affect us. I remember being on Wellbutrin while I was using cannabis and it seemed to counter-effect the cannabis' ups and downs.
The first psychologist that understood me said: "You know why people self medicate? It works. Otherwise they wouldn't do it." "But lets see if we can find some better things for you to reduce your symptoms."
I didn't really trust her to quit drinking, drugs, cannabis at that exact moment. It took a while of my psychologist telling me, "You know, ingesting the pharmaceutical brain medicines and your own, heh, personal medicines are like stepping on the gas and the brakes at the same time. They both make the other not effective." - This is why I never felt high anymore when I smoked cannabis.
When you flood the brain with dopamine, the brain becomes confused as to the results for the amount it makes, and thus stops producing as much. It considers the amount it is producing to be plenty. When the cannabis isn't active in your system, you have much less dopamine than a normal person. There aren't the same natural reserves. That is why it's harder to feel the 'high' of working out as fully as a sober person. Or for me, I didn't laugh quite the same way until I got sober. Once sober, it was a very pure and joyous feeling to laugh at something. My brain is just waiting to unleash the floodgates.
Wellbutrin is an atypical antidepresent in that it promotes more dopamine signals in the brain. That might be why it is recommended for quitting smoking. I take the max amount, in part due to the fact my mood stabilizer knocks it down a notch. Took it before I was diagnosed with bp... Was kind of moody, but that has more to do with the bipolar (and my pdoc told me agitation was the most common side-effect). I used to take the max (450mg) and convinced my newest p-doc(psychiatrist) to increase mine from 300mg to it. That has made a big difference. I'd be careful with the pain meds and moods. When exposed to substances (mostly things with dopamine or narcotic effects) over a period of time, your brain begins to rewire itself to think that those substances maintain homeostasis. It eventually effects your prefrontal cortex and gives you a fight-or-flight linkage with the substance. Thus, heavily addicted people will feel like they are dying without something. Your brain can literally tell you that you are dying without a substance. So be careful. If you had to make the choice, I would look into ingesting more cannabis (orally or high CBD through a vaporizer) than the prescription meds. I really recommend you look into seeing a counselor, some work on a sliding scale. You can get referred to a p-doc, which can be life-changing. Maybe see one who isn't one-sided about the use of cannabis. I mean that in the respect that you could trust them if they tell you certain kinds aren't good for you, or that there may be better medicines at regulating your mental symptoms. I do re-emphasize I was a grower and have had many friends who had their lives saved by it- Some, unfortunately, did not make it. I only recommend trying something else for around 3 months. If trying the new thing doesn't work, go back to whatever works best. If you stick to cannabis, go the indica route and try eating it. I liked making sugar cookies. It got out of hand with me though, and I am glad I have stopped. It isn't the right time for me to be using it, and I'm alright with that. I've gained a lot by finding meds that work to fight the symptoms I was self-medicating for.