Does it ever get better ,

[FaithAnnn]

I'm 21 years old and in the last 5years I've dealt with more then anyone should ever have too .
5years ago at 17 I was raped and it was my 1st time ever having sex . I thought it was the hardest thing I ever went threw till I spoke up about what happened .
When I told my mom she was so caring and understanding but my dad on the other hand was a drunk and knew that if I went to the police it would effect his friendship with one of his drinking buddy's so pretty much he picked his friend over me . I was so young and started to hate him . Even when he needed me most ( during the last days, he had stage 4 lung cancer ) I couldn't be there for him because he wasn't there for me .he passed away when I was 18 years old . After he died the guilt got to me for me turning my back on him . Then two years later when I was 20 I got this infection that no one has answers for , the closest thing it sounded like was herpes two negative test but I still google everyday because my symptoms haven't gone away . I just feel so broken and crazy , I don't know how to deal with the pain anymore once a girl who smile 24/7 now I'm a crazy mess where the little things make me break down and cry .  

[makeithappen02]

I understand, you feel like your life has no meaning. It's normal to feel jealous if you dont have a purpose.

I think you need a purpose or a vision which will give you a reason to fight in life. do not look for that purpose outside, its in you.

DONT CRY TO QUIT, BUT CRY TO KEEP PUSHING UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

[FaithAnnn]

Thanks you guys honestly reading your comments made me cry . I was doing so good dealing with everything but lately I've been a mess trying to figure out what's medically wrong with me. I just feel so damaged and alone I try talking to the people around me but they don't know what to say and I can't blame them for that . I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm falling apart. I just quit my job of three years and moved so I could try starting over . I'm honestly going to find someone to talk too . I'm such a strong person but man I don't know how much more I can take . It's like I can't have a normal relationship and I'm watching all my friends get married and have babies , I'm jealous . I'm sorry for venting .

[GreenKt1]

My heart goes out to you. I think a couple things about what you described. First, that when you were raped it was not the first time you had sex. That is not sex. That is an awful, horrible, invasive assault that no matter how it happens is NOT sex, but ONLY rape. It was not something you did, but something that someone else did to you against your will. Second, your father made a choice regarding how he would treat, love, and protect you and it was that he would not. That's not right in any world. As a child and a daughter you deserved so much more from him. And I would be very careful to think about yourself back then as exactly what you were--a scared, hurt child whose father abandoned her. Forgive yourself for not "being there for him"--that was his job in your life, not yours in his. And third, and most important, I would seek therapy. Maybe your mother would be willing to help you cover the cost, but even if not, I would prioritize your recovery and getting the help you deserved five years over everything but the basics of physical survival (food, rent, etc). If therapy is financially not an option, there are PLENTY of groups, communities, free resources out there devoted to helping people recover from trauma, injury, and abuse. They're wonderful. Help is out there and it's real, and if you're in therapy now and you don't think it's helping consider whether you should find another therapist, or how you personally are viewing the recovery process. You deserve all the tools/resources/help out there (and there's a lot) to gain back control of your life, recover from a terrible trauma AND your father's abandonment, and learn to live a happy, fulfilling life. You absolutely can, it's just an unfair fact that after two (or more) people tore happiness and self-worth away from you, it's going to be your commitment and hard work that gets it back. I wish you courage and belief in your life, and all the recovery you can get! You deserve it.

[makeithappen02]

Hi, hope you are ok, i'm very sorry that you are going through this situation,  i can imagine how you feel. What i can suggest you is to forgive yourself from all these past things. Dont allow your past to hold you back. You are not the one who chose this situation in the first place. We dont control what happen to us, but we can control how we approach the problem. What you are feeling is litteraly the result of the meaning you have given to this situation. Do you think that you can give a different meaning to this experience? If yes, go on, give it a useful meaning, it is possible to see this situation differently. As your username indicates, believe that it's possible, you can bounce back. You have what it takes to make it happen. Dont give up on yourself and on your dreams, stand for something. You are strong beyond measure. Just believe God for healing and for a New begining.

Have a great day