What can I say to get through?

[AHP84]

I honestly don't know what the deal is with my mom. She is in her 50s, and for as long as I can remember (and apparently even her family says my mom has been the way she is since a small child), my mom is extremely tempramental. She can be mean, manipulative, and miserable to herself and everyone around her.
I don't know if she is just plain depressed, bi-polar, manic depressive, minorly schitzophrenic, or what. But there's something painfully wrong with her, and everyone knows it (I'm sure even she does, but refuses to do anything).
Basically, she can be content, laid-back, loving, affectionate, nurturing, etc., but literally at the drop of a hat for even the simplest thing, she is angry, hostile, irritable, sometimes conniving, resentful, and just plain miserable to be around.
She has alienated herself from her family (except to make appearances at get-togethers), she's sometimes emotionally abusive to my 12 y.o. sister, and she has no really close friends that I can think of. She literally distances herself from everyone, and she's overly dependant on me (I'm 22 and have just moved out of her house, and now I feel like she won't let me go, even though she wanted me gone). She always "needs" me for something or expects me to do something for her, and if I don't, she holds things over my head and puts a guilt trip on me.

I love my mom with all my heart; she's done so much for me and has helped get me where I am today. But I am fed up with her negitive and pessimistic attitude, her depending on me for things that should be entirely her responsibility, feeling like I'm walking on egg shells when she's in a good mood so as not to ruin it, and her treating my sister and me like **** (especially my sister--the way my mom treats the poor kid sometimes makes me physically nauseated).
Trouble is, no one can tell my mom what she doesn't want to hear. She does not like the idea of getting psychological help, because of some issue (and I'll try to portray this accurately from her perspective) along the lines of she thinks that psychological help is not private medical records if the gov't wants to look into it. Then if they see that you have "problems," you can get singled out and not have decent job opportunities (maybe this is because she's worked jobs where she's needed security clearances?). At any rate, her frame of mind is that she is never at complete fault for anything; someone else is always to blame because...
And my mom is so intelligent that she thinks she's never wrong most of the time. She has a reason or justification for everything.
She gets so offended and defensive if anyone argues a point with her, and especially if someone tells her she should she a therapist. She completely loses it and becomes irate and gripes about how so-and-so could have the nerve to say something like that to her.
How can I get through to her and convince her that she needs help? She's getting more pessimistic, cynical, and mean as time goes on. I'm afraid she might get so stressed she'll give herself a stroke or heart attack or something in the very near future (she's not suicidal, physically self destructive, or physically abusive), or that she'll just go off the deep end and literally go crazy because of the way she alienates herself from her family and has no close friends.
What do depressed people like this need to hear to be convinced that help is a good thing? Is there ANYTHING I can do or say?

[kittycatsc]

Honey ,you are going through the same as me, but my mom is the same way except she can get abusive at times.We have a barrier between us and it has to do with race,which makes even harder on us. When I was growing up she was all the abuse there is to name .Even to the point that I was around when she was  having sex. That is a form of sexually abuse .She is mentally ill really bad to the point she want take her medicine or even eat unless Im around . I cant live with her because she is so rude and verbally abusive to me and my children. But people thinks I should move in with her to make sure does take her medicine and eat .Although I dont want to put my children and    I through that kind of stress. We live right down the road from her and we cant even relax with out her coming down or calling.know since lost her care taker to cancer ,she really is going to be harassing me to go with me every where I go  and be in my business or my friends business and they don't like that to much.

[nick30]

sorry to hear about this awful situation. instead of 'telling' her she needs help, perhaps when she's in one of her better moods you could kindly 'ask' her if there is anything that you can do for her. perhaps she would feel more comfortable talking about it if you approach this as a stress problem rather than a mental one it might help. no one wants to be told to see a psych. tell her you've noticed that she has been stressed out and if there's anything she wants you to do to help her. I would also think really hard about what could be triggering her mood changes. are they truly arbitrary? or is there a specific event or emotional issue that sets her off? even though ur not the problem maybe you could pretend you were and ask her if you have done anything wrong,anything that has upset her. this may encourage her to open up or at least tell you what is stressing her out(and maybe she say it's not you but....).
best of luck, keep us informed. Thoughts to your sis too.

[CutiePattuti]

Yes... Borderliners Suck...
But from my profesional Borderliner Opinion she sounds more like Bipolar.

I am baising my theory on your comment:
(she's not suicidal, physically self destructive, or physically abusive),

[AHP84]

I really don't know what it is exactly with my mom. The more I research types of depression and mood disorders, however, the more I think it's bi-polar disorder.
I haven't really thought about it being borderline personality disorder. I'm not sure what that is or what the symptoms are. I'll look into it.
I told my councelor about these issues I have with my mom, and how she is, and the first thing my councelor asked was, "Has your mom been diagnosed as bi-polar?" I said my mom's never been to see any psychological therapists, and isn't willing to go, and that I wish there was some way I could convince her to do this for her own well-being.
Apparently the only thing I can do, according to my councelor, is just set my own boundaries with her and hope that one day she'll realize that she could use some professional therapy to help her cope with whatever issues she harbors.

[jdtm]

Could you be dealing with borderline personality disorder?

[Joystick22]

Man my mom is exactly the same. I felt like u were describing her. She is the most wonderful person to be around at times, and then boom! something happens and she goes crazy and is completely miserable I dont know what it is, it gets to the point where she says she wished she never had kids and she said that i am an embarassment to this family and stuff like that. Im only 17 years old and have to live with her, ill get through it somehow cant wait to leave tho.

[Gypsygirl66]

Wow, I came in this forum on accident, bit I'm glad I did. I could have written this post myself except I would have been your sister all grown up now. My mother did and does the exact same things to my brother and I. All I can say is stay away as much as you can & take your sister for the weekend a lot. When your sister gets out of school get as far away from you mother as possible. You can not do anything to change her. You are going to just have to except that fact. It beat myself up for years, because my mother was just like that until I was over 30yo. Then I just surrendered to the fact that she had psych. problems. I still have to remind myself sometimes ( after long spurts of her being in a really sweet side). I'm sorry to tell you this. It is really unlikely she will ever get help.
Good Luck

[calgary67]

You have been living in a crazy environment. Good for you for getting out. Any chance you can move a few miles away from your mom and give her a chance to depend on herself?  I would like to suggest that you print your letter to the forum and let her read it.  Somehow somebody has to let her know how she is affecting the family, especially her own childreln.  Another suggestion would be to have a confrontation. It would make her look at her SELF.  We all have to do it at some time in our lives and your mom is old enough to own up to her actions.  She could also be going through menopause which causes hormonal reactions.  I know I went through it. Good luck in confronting your mom and her demons.
Calgary67

[AHP84]

Thanks for your kind response. And yes, I have bad anxiety and stress-handling issues, and beginning on Friday, I myself am going to see a counselor just so that I can get past how I was raised and learn an effective way to handle my future relationship with my mom.
I have talked to my mom's side of the family about this, mainly one of my aunts (the sister my mom least gets along with, as a matter of fact). They are all very supportive of me and my sister, and they all really want to see my mom get help because everyone is noticing how her attitude is getting more and more negative.
I'm really the only person my mom will listen to and the only person that she considers her "best friend." I don't want to ruin that for her, because I feel like that's the only advantage I have to help her.
I just want to know if there's a way to tell her that will get through to her, and a way in which she won't get defensive and irate and then think I'm against her like she thinks about the rest of her family. I can't keep watching her fall in this downward spiral of misery, especially with my sister in her care for the next six years.

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

wow am so sorry this is all on you , your to young to have to go through this and i can tell you if you let her drag you down ,later in life your going to be stress and anxiety and you will have to have help to , just like your little sister she needs not have be in that , is there no one you can talk to , your dad , her family ( sisters , her mom , brother) you cant do this on your own i know i tried with my family and it took me down, i know have the stress and anxiety problems, they are no fun. am glad your out of there and i understand you love her just like i do mine but i found out you cant answer that phone everytime she calls let her do for her self, have a plan if your sis needs you she can get a hold of you in a away your mom cant, dont get me wrong am all for helping family but if your mom dont want help you cant help her , so live your life and try not let it bring you down with her . i hope you can get someone who can help you out i just know what ive been through and what i did i walked away unless it was a 911 thing . am still there for my parents but not at every call. hang in there take care and good luck . barbara  ps i have two boys and would never put that on them