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Avatar universal

What is wrong with me?

I am 18 years old...and I am almost positive that I am depressed physically and emotionally...I apologize in advance if this post is long. Ever since I can remember I always had a hard time making friends, it never just came naturally to me like it does for some people. When I was in middle school I moved around a lot, I was always the 'new kid' so this caused me to succumb to peer pressure in order to feel like people wanted to be my friend. When I was 14 I started getting into drugs, making friends with the wrong people and virtually losing any real hobbies I had at the time. It's been 4 years since I've done drugs, and I'm happy to say I've completely turned my life around. I've had a boyfriend for the past 3 years, my relationship with my mother has improved, and I'm going to school studying to become an esthetician, something I am so passionate about, yet I am still so unbelievably unhappy with my life. I have barely any real friends, I've always been sort of a loner, floating around from group to group trying to find people I relate with. I don't get it, I am a nice girl, I know I am attractive, and I think I'm pretty funny. Yet I feel so worthless. I often dream about quitting my current schooling, and moving far away and make all new friends with different people, starting over. I have a very strong desire to be loved and accepted, and yet I feel that if I dropped off the face of the earth no one would ever notice. These issues have led me to become extremely introverted, and lately I'm noticing my growing dislike for people in general. I've lost all faith in humanity, and it's making me become a very sad person.

I work in retail, and lately I've been having terrible thoughts about complete strangers, I'm becoming more rude to customers, often wishing terrible things to happen to people I don't even know. This has made me completely apathetic about my job, I recently told my boss that I can only work 2 days a week (for no real reason at all), I dread going there where I will have to be around people, and sometimes I don't even show up. I am probably going to lose my job, and I don't even care. I've missed so much school due to the fact that I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning, so most days I go in late (I go to a technical school, so we have class every week day at the same time). I also rarely ever sleep, I've been this way since I was about 13, I am never tired at night, my mind will be racing making me not ever able to fall asleep, and I find myself waking up at all hours of the night when I do try and go to sleep. This makes me so unbalanced during the day, I never want to do anything or go anywhere and I can honestly say at this point I am completely lethargic.

It doesn't help that my home life is also so unstable, my father is an alcoholic, and him and my mom haven't been happily married since I was a toddler. They have a very abusive relationship, and at times it can get physical. Both my mom and dad are so unhappy, that I wish they would just get a divorce. It kills me inside knowing how unhappy they are. I am mostly speaking for my mother, as she tries every single day to take care of her kids (I have 2 younger siblings) when my dad isn't here....he works every single day providing us with a roof over our heads but we have no real relationship with him. He is totally oblivious to the things he's done, has never apologized once for anything, and has a very uncontrollable temper. Like I said, he is an alcoholic who is so out of touch with reality. He always tries to buy our love with lavish jewelry, expensive electronics, things we DON'T need! He'll never buy my love. I am so torn with this because of his behavior, yet at the same time I feel so terrible for him because of his upbringing. He had a very abusive childhood and once his father passed away when he was 8, his mother couldn't afford to take care of 5 boys so she kicked my dad out of the house. When he was 8 years old. Yes, 8. He was homeless for some weeks until a couple took him under his wing...to this day I still look at them like my grandparents. They don't see his behavior because they moved to Florida. But my mother's side of the family knows about his abusive behavior as they've witnessed it first hand, at family parties etc. But this is all aside from the main topic here.

I feel sick, mentally and physically. Can you get sick from depression? I've been feeling a lot of pain lately, as if my immune system is weakening. I am so weak and out of shape. I also have really low self worth, I strive for perfection and if I don't achieve it, I feel like a failure. I have a lot of body issues and am always comparing myself to other people. Why am I so unhappy? I am not that hard to please. All I want are people that care about me, I want real friends. I do have a group of 'friends', but I am always getting left out of things as if I don't exist. Why do I want to be friends with these people if they don't care about me? I have serious priorities to sort out. Should I go see a doctor? If anyone has any advice for me I'd really appreciate it...thanks
1 Responses
Avatar universal
you have a lot on your plate.   Start out by talking with your Dr.   Speaking with a therapist can be very useful at this time.       Keeping it inside will only eat away at you.    All the best !
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