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Whats wrong with me?

Ok so idk where to begin so Im just gonna say it all because I think there might be more then one thing wrong with me.
So lets start off with me hating myself I feel like im a bad person I always felt like I was gonna go to hell even when I was little like 4 or 5. Also I feel like I do good things just to make me feel better. And I also have these terrible thoughts about wanting to kill someone or how it would feel to kill someone and to be known as a killer.
Ok another thing that's wrong with me is I dropped out of school because it was just to many people like at lunchtime it would be too much noise for me and I would start breathing hard like I couldn't handle it. I also dropped out because I dont like being around people I feel like they're staring at me. I really dont go anywhere now I just stay home I feel like home is the only place I wanna be or can be. I dont have any friends and I stopped caring about things like my appearance or school I just dont care anymore. I also have a very low self esteem I hate looking in the mirror im disgusted by what I see and I dont want anyone else to see me. Also its hard for me to talk to people it was hard before but now its worse its like when I try to talk or respond back to someone I cant get the words out and when I do it doesnt make any sense. Ive been forgetting things and been having trouble remembering things when I try it hurts. Last I have been very tired and just want to sleep but when I do sleep I cant stay asleep or I have trouble falling asleep? Idk whats going but can someone help me?
4 Responses
1551327 tn?1514045867
You are showing a lot of symptoms of depression and some anxiety.  Concentration and memory take a hit while you are depressed you are not really living life but letting time go by.  You have a purpose and you are likely a great person it is just going to take a push.  
Sometimes we wait for something to happen.  We think "well if I just had a better face, or money, or a group of friends, or whatever-than I would be happy.  The bad thing is that there are likely great things going on all around you just wishing that you would discover them.  It is like waiting to be rich.....which is crazy but anyway.
If you are brooding all the time thinking "I wish I had money so that I could buy this or that" and you are walking one day and spot a penny on the ground but pass it up....
You don't rrealize that had you stopped and picked it up; you would have been one penny closer to getting that thing you desired.
It is not going to happen over night and it is likely going to be a long process and that is just the cold hard fact about it.  
I like that you said you do good things to make you feel better.  I do too and it works for me.  If you want to do some reading you can check out some things I have written that help me fight depression.  If nothing else you may get a laugh out of some of it.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Bipolar-Disorder/Fighting-depression/show/1883533
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Depression/Fighting-depression-part-2/show/1883537
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Depression/Fighting-Depression-part-3/show/1884569
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Depression/Fighting-Depression-part-4-simplicity/show/1887081
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Depression/Fighting-Impatience--Stress--and-Fear/show/1885110

Read these if you wish and let us know how you are doing.

Larry
4190741 tn?1370177832
Depression very often starts in childhood and as the years go by and there is no recovery from it, depression escalates and then touches everything that is left of your life and magnifys the insecurities and self hatred until, like you, the person is sitting alone in a room, the wish to be left alone has been granted and still......still no relief from the depression is gained.

Whatever happened when you were a child, and you can have depression from a parent who was depressed either through genetics or from their examples, whatever started you on the road into the void of depression can be turned around and come out of but it takes a lot of work most times with a qualified professional involving many many forms of feedback and self honesty....

How many more years do you want to feel bad about yourself.  Is there something you would love to be doing in this world with the beautiful qualifications that you have as a human being.....Everyone is given only 1 life, please know that you can begin today by calling your doctor or a help hot line and telling them you think you need help.

You reached out to us because your life is not as comfortable with yourself locked into a room as you know it could be.  I hope you take a risk or 2 and let us know how you are doing...

Best wishes to you

M
5224026 tn?1365423930
Hi there,

I think you may be suffering from social anxiety combined with depression. There may be something else that happened in your childhood that you don't remember that may be affecting you. I would advise that you see a counsellor. They may be able to help you delve into your past safely without it hurting.

You should make a conscious effort to care about yourself. Take a shower and do your hair, maybe take some pictures and post them up. Everyone is beautiful :). Just love yourself. Don't worry about others.
Avatar universal
Hi and welcome! Yes, it sounds like depressive disorder, as you suspect, clearly if you're posting here. It's a big important step to even recognize that you may need some help, so good for you for getting there. The next step: do yourself a favor and get yourself into some talk therapy. Make it your first task tomorrow... dont think about it and dwell on the decision. its just like any other medical condition: you have an issue you go to the doctor... We don't sit around and say "well my leg might not be broken... so I'll just wait it out and see." Its important to recognize that depression is a legitimate medical condition over which you have no control. For me, that was the first step to getting on a good road. What you can control, however, is how you deal with it. Get yourself into talk therapy... It may help you, it may not, but it's a step. From there the therapist can refer you to a psychaitrist for medication if it is needed. Dont give up on youself, and keep us updated! Good luck!
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