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When do I die?
I am 64. I have had depression problems for decades. I have recently found another drug that helps a great deal. However, I still have severe problems. The reason is that I should long since be dead. I have at least 4 diseases that should have already caused my death. These include Hep C for 45 years, 2 hemorrhagic strokes in the last two years, a serious immune system problem that should have caused cancer long ago and a very rare and serious type of apnea that has cause a great deal of long term brain damage. None of these problems are treatable for me and all should have killed me long ago. Now, after the two strokes I most certainly should be dead but all I have is a minor problem with aphasic agnosia.
It is virtually certain that I will have another stroke in the near future and there is a 90% chance it will kill me soon. However, there is no certainly at all. I live in a remote area with no access to medical specialists that could do any meaningful testing or examinations. MRI is not available except an 8 hour drive from here and the wait time is over a year. I have no way to tell what my chance of death is in the near future or perhaps in a longer time (unlikely but unknown). How the heck should I deal with this? I know I will die earlier than I should but that could be tommorow or it could be several years or more. This is driving me into a hole that I have a very hard time dealing with. It is not ordinary depression that I have had from my bipolar type 2 but something different over which I do not have control, drugs or not. I have been married for 43 years and it is driving the both of us crazy. I hate the thought of leaving her alone. How do deal with this? Is there a way?
It is virtually certain that I will have another stroke in the near future and there is a 90% chance it will kill me soon. However, there is no certainly at all. I live in a remote area with no access to medical specialists that could do any meaningful testing or examinations. MRI is not available except an 8 hour drive from here and the wait time is over a year. I have no way to tell what my chance of death is in the near future or perhaps in a longer time (unlikely but unknown). How the heck should I deal with this? I know I will die earlier than I should but that could be tommorow or it could be several years or more. This is driving me into a hole that I have a very hard time dealing with. It is not ordinary depression that I have had from my bipolar type 2 but something different over which I do not have control, drugs or not. I have been married for 43 years and it is driving the both of us crazy. I hate the thought of leaving her alone. How do deal with this? Is there a way?
It has been a long time since I first posted this. The changes are hard for me to believe. In some ways my health has improved but that was after a serious downturn so bad that I was barely able to stand. Through various ways I have been able to better my physical health although it was not easy.
But, what has happened since that last summer and fall is what I cannot believe. Through a series of events that I still cannot make sense of my wife has decided after 44 years that she can no longer live with me. Worse, this happened when I was away in hospital for a total of 38 days. I was being examined for psychiatric problems as well as medical issues.
It was determined that I do not suffer from any form of psychiatric problems. What is happening and is what has in part broken our relationship is a form of very serious mental problem that is caused by brain damage, not any sort of true psychiatric syndrome. Because of the death of neurons that connect between the left and right hemispheres of my brain my reasonable and logical left side no longer has much control over the right emotional side of my brain.
I was aware that in the past several years, especially, that it was becoming much easier for me to become badly upset when something happened or was said that would cause normally only a mild irritation or somewhat upsetting feeling. Instead of just settling it in my head and going on I break into tears frequently. This is now far worse because my life is now filled with almost nothing but intensely upsetting and depressing events. I now cry myself to sleep nearly every night and sometimes wake up crying. During the day I can break into tears at the slight thought of what has happened. I am crying as I write this. Worse, I now live alone which has always been something I dislike very much.
There is no cure or even effective treatment since drugs cannot raise dead neurons back to life and neither can any therapy. Even the slight improvement that sometimes is caused by certain anti-depressants is off limits to me because I have very low platelets and anti-depressants will make that even worse.
I now find myself effectively homeless, living in an apartment that serves to keep me out of the rain. I cannot fathom what has happened as we never had any discussions about separating. Then, while in hospital I receive a phone call from my former wife stating that when I came back home she would not be there. It makes no trace of sense to me how she could do something like that with no warning and when I was in an already highly upsetting situation.
I am not a type of person that would ever consider suicide but I now find myself looking forward to an early death. I hope it is fast, but yet just slow enough that I will be able to appreciate the rapidly approaching total release from pain, physical and emotional.
But, what has happened since that last summer and fall is what I cannot believe. Through a series of events that I still cannot make sense of my wife has decided after 44 years that she can no longer live with me. Worse, this happened when I was away in hospital for a total of 38 days. I was being examined for psychiatric problems as well as medical issues.
It was determined that I do not suffer from any form of psychiatric problems. What is happening and is what has in part broken our relationship is a form of very serious mental problem that is caused by brain damage, not any sort of true psychiatric syndrome. Because of the death of neurons that connect between the left and right hemispheres of my brain my reasonable and logical left side no longer has much control over the right emotional side of my brain.
I was aware that in the past several years, especially, that it was becoming much easier for me to become badly upset when something happened or was said that would cause normally only a mild irritation or somewhat upsetting feeling. Instead of just settling it in my head and going on I break into tears frequently. This is now far worse because my life is now filled with almost nothing but intensely upsetting and depressing events. I now cry myself to sleep nearly every night and sometimes wake up crying. During the day I can break into tears at the slight thought of what has happened. I am crying as I write this. Worse, I now live alone which has always been something I dislike very much.
There is no cure or even effective treatment since drugs cannot raise dead neurons back to life and neither can any therapy. Even the slight improvement that sometimes is caused by certain anti-depressants is off limits to me because I have very low platelets and anti-depressants will make that even worse.
I now find myself effectively homeless, living in an apartment that serves to keep me out of the rain. I cannot fathom what has happened as we never had any discussions about separating. Then, while in hospital I receive a phone call from my former wife stating that when I came back home she would not be there. It makes no trace of sense to me how she could do something like that with no warning and when I was in an already highly upsetting situation.
I am not a type of person that would ever consider suicide but I now find myself looking forward to an early death. I hope it is fast, but yet just slow enough that I will be able to appreciate the rapidly approaching total release from pain, physical and emotional.
When we love people, we realize on a deeper level that someday they will leave us, either through circumstances or death, but most adults are aware that we never have anything forever.
You say your wife is a mountain climber, I am also, and I'll tell you that it is not a sport for the faint hearted man or woman. Everytime I put my first foot forward on the rocks I knew there was a chance I would not come back in the same condition I left in. I am wondering if you have had conversations with your wife about your death and what she plans on doing once you have passed on. I am sure she will be well taken care of by your pre planning, but I am also wondering why you think she will not be able to handle your passing at all....
M
You say your wife is a mountain climber, I am also, and I'll tell you that it is not a sport for the faint hearted man or woman. Everytime I put my first foot forward on the rocks I knew there was a chance I would not come back in the same condition I left in. I am wondering if you have had conversations with your wife about your death and what she plans on doing once you have passed on. I am sure she will be well taken care of by your pre planning, but I am also wondering why you think she will not be able to handle your passing at all....
M
You are quite right. The thing that bothers me the most is not my own death, after that I will have no regrets or other matters to worry about.
I love my wife dearly and the feeling is mutual. It is the pain and extreme difficulty she will have dealing with the circumstances. I cannot stand to be responsible for that situation. On top of that I have had to deal with serious depression most of my life with no way to treat it. I have medical conditions that very strictly limit the drugs I can take to help me live a close to an ordinary life.
In the past I could help myself to deal with the various painful problems, both physical and psychological. I no longer have much I can do to pull myself out of the low cycles.
Our daughter has the same bipolar prolems but she is only about 30. She takes no drugs and is able to stay mostly away from the negative aspects of this life long and persistent disorder.
She climbs in the mountains and I used to canoe deep into the back country as well as other positive activities.
I just dread what I may do to my wife.
I love my wife dearly and the feeling is mutual. It is the pain and extreme difficulty she will have dealing with the circumstances. I cannot stand to be responsible for that situation. On top of that I have had to deal with serious depression most of my life with no way to treat it. I have medical conditions that very strictly limit the drugs I can take to help me live a close to an ordinary life.
In the past I could help myself to deal with the various painful problems, both physical and psychological. I no longer have much I can do to pull myself out of the low cycles.
Our daughter has the same bipolar prolems but she is only about 30. She takes no drugs and is able to stay mostly away from the negative aspects of this life long and persistent disorder.
She climbs in the mountains and I used to canoe deep into the back country as well as other positive activities.
I just dread what I may do to my wife.
You are asking a question none of us can answer about natural death or accidents. We don't know when we'll die. I have a friend who is 27 and has stage 4 cancer. His doctor says he has two months to two years to live, depending on how he responds to treatment. He is young and is missing out on much of his life along with having severe pain. You have been lucky enough to live into your "silver" years. Be happy with what you have had and cherish what comes. When you do die, you can be satisfied with your life instead of regretting what you wasted thinking about your death.
Good, I'm glad to hear you did'nt quit your meds cold turkey. That was my fear. Yes, I know all about the electric shock feelings because I've been there myself trying to taper way to fast off of a med.
Your Dr should be very impressed. You did a great job and you're a very knowledgeable patient.
I know, I do feel kind of bad for family Drs because they have to know so much. I'm so glad you have a good one.
Did you really make a plaque for him? That was a wonderful thing to do. I bet it means the world to him.
You sound so much better!
Your Dr should be very impressed. You did a great job and you're a very knowledgeable patient.
I know, I do feel kind of bad for family Drs because they have to know so much. I'm so glad you have a good one.
Did you really make a plaque for him? That was a wonderful thing to do. I bet it means the world to him.
You sound so much better!
You don't quit Cipralex cold turkey unless you like feeling you are having electric shocks and some other nasty side effects from quitting. You must taper off at the rate of about 5 milligrams per week. I am down to ten now for several days. My Dr says I should go down with it as fast as I can take so I am only taking 4 days to drop 5 mg. I am actually feeling pretty good today which I did not expect. I am also taking Lamictal also which is probably reducing the possible bad effects. My doctor was impressed when I designed a new titration schedule for Lamictal which just about guarantees that you won't develop the nasty rash it can cause.
Most Dr's are pretty good people and can be trusted. The primary problem that family doctors have is that they need to know something about everything. You can't expect a family doctor to be an expert on much of anything so they can miss things.
As far as I am concerned the family Dr's have the most difficult job of any of them. Not only do they have so much to know they also must keep up with every medical development if they want to stay a good Doctor. Mine is excellent and is constantly studying the latest developments. I enjoy doing research which I print out and give to him on every visit, about once per month.
Earlier this year I engraved a brass plaque to put on his office door with his name on it. He was impressed and appreciated it. He is also the Chief of Medicine at the local hospital so I get good treatment other than the serious lack of specialists here.
Most Dr's are pretty good people and can be trusted. The primary problem that family doctors have is that they need to know something about everything. You can't expect a family doctor to be an expert on much of anything so they can miss things.
As far as I am concerned the family Dr's have the most difficult job of any of them. Not only do they have so much to know they also must keep up with every medical development if they want to stay a good Doctor. Mine is excellent and is constantly studying the latest developments. I enjoy doing research which I print out and give to him on every visit, about once per month.
Earlier this year I engraved a brass plaque to put on his office door with his name on it. He was impressed and appreciated it. He is also the Chief of Medicine at the local hospital so I get good treatment other than the serious lack of specialists here.
Okay, I sure will. I think he will really enjoy that. Thanks.
I think it's good to be a very knowledgeable patient. Many of us put way to must trust in our Drs and just go along with whatever they say. I'm not saying there are'nt wonderful Drs out there because there are. It sure helps for us to know about our meds and medical problems though.
I'm so glad to hear you don't have any liver problems. My mom has a fatty liver and was just diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis. Of course I'm scared out of my mind. And, of course I'm researching this as much as possible.
Are you tapering off the Cipralex? Or, just quitting cold turkey?
I think it's good to be a very knowledgeable patient. Many of us put way to must trust in our Drs and just go along with whatever they say. I'm not saying there are'nt wonderful Drs out there because there are. It sure helps for us to know about our meds and medical problems though.
I'm so glad to hear you don't have any liver problems. My mom has a fatty liver and was just diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis. Of course I'm scared out of my mind. And, of course I'm researching this as much as possible.
Are you tapering off the Cipralex? Or, just quitting cold turkey?
For your husband just go to ixian.ca/gallery
I am already making the change in my drug combination. I set that up myself. My doctor depends on me for the research on my medical problems because most but the hep c are all rare. The Hep C is the least of my problems. I have had it for 45 years thanks to being infected by the US Army. I have zero indication of liver problems, which is also rare.
I am already making the change in my drug combination. I set that up myself. My doctor depends on me for the research on my medical problems because most but the hep c are all rare. The Hep C is the least of my problems. I have had it for 45 years thanks to being infected by the US Army. I have zero indication of liver problems, which is also rare.
Oh my gosh! Thank goodness you have medical knowledge and found this out. I hope you are now going off of this med.
It truly is great news!
Oh, I showed my husband your pictures and he was amazed with your inventions. Post more if you get the chance.
It truly is great news!
Oh, I showed my husband your pictures and he was amazed with your inventions. Post more if you get the chance.
Oh that is good news indeed. Well done for discovering that. Let us hope it really does help with one of your problems.
Good news! As I said earlier, I have a lot of knowledge in the medical area. I also have good access to many medical journals so I do not have to pay for them. The way that happened is that if you are a medical student they will give you access after only six months or less of publication at many journals. To sign up you only have to pass a fairly steep medical test in the area of your choice. That was no problem for me.
I check the contraindications for the various drugs I take every once and a while. I checked the antidepressant I take (Cipralex) and discovered a fairly new problem that has been found. The paper on it was put out Aug 20, 2013. They discovered that it can cause bleeding in many people that take it and it isn't rare. In particular, it can make it a lot easier to have a bleeding stroke, like I have had.
The chance is almost doubled which is a very bad thing. The good part is that I am still alive and have already figured out a different medicinal protocol that will make it possible to remove that drug from my regime. This means I may well live longer than I suspected. Yay!
I check the contraindications for the various drugs I take every once and a while. I checked the antidepressant I take (Cipralex) and discovered a fairly new problem that has been found. The paper on it was put out Aug 20, 2013. They discovered that it can cause bleeding in many people that take it and it isn't rare. In particular, it can make it a lot easier to have a bleeding stroke, like I have had.
The chance is almost doubled which is a very bad thing. The good part is that I am still alive and have already figured out a different medicinal protocol that will make it possible to remove that drug from my regime. This means I may well live longer than I suspected. Yay!
Ha ha! I'm sorry but your comment made me chuckle. You have not been a "butthead" at any time with any of us. You've been so nice.
I do know about Aspergers. I think you would be great at helping people here because many times they wants the straight facts.
I saw your pictures. I love the ones of you and the horses!
I do know about Aspergers. I think you would be great at helping people here because many times they wants the straight facts.
I saw your pictures. I love the ones of you and the horses!
There is one thing that people have to watch out for about me. I am a top of the test score Asperger's type. That means I fairly often will talk (or write) about things in a very straight and purely factual way. It has taken me all my life to learn how to speak in a way that the majority of the population considers to be friendly and not totally an unpleasant antisocial butthead.
Asperger types very rarely lie about anything and will talk and explain things without any consideration for the feelings of others. It never occurs to them that people have feelings that might be offended, even if what they say is absolutely correct.
I'm not too bad on that front any more but not always. Being an Aspie is something that never goes away.
Asperger types very rarely lie about anything and will talk and explain things without any consideration for the feelings of others. It never occurs to them that people have feelings that might be offended, even if what they say is absolutely correct.
I'm not too bad on that front any more but not always. Being an Aspie is something that never goes away.
I'm so glad you found this site. I've been a member here for years and the people here are truly wonderful. Very supportive and caring.
It does make you feel better when you can help other people. If you have medical knowledge I know there will be so many people you can help.Check out all the other forums here. There are always people needing advice about different things.
It does make you feel better when you can help other people. If you have medical knowledge I know there will be so many people you can help.Check out all the other forums here. There are always people needing advice about different things.
I thank you all for your thoughts and assistance. I have been thinking a lot about what you have said. I am feeling better about my situation and have made some decisions that my wife approves. This is a good site and I will look around to see if there is anybody I can help. While I am not a doctor I have a lot of medical knowledge as I have been studying medicine since I was young. I know all the big words and have gigabytes worth of top medical journal studies. I have read them all. Since I am not a doctor I can give some medical explanations including the statement to See Your Doctor when a medical question comes up.
I did enough university work to qualify for a masters degree (over 200 semester credits) but never got around to actually getting the piece of paper that says so. That was because we moved to a remote area and I could not afford to spend the extra year away from home. My employer didn't care about the paper, they knew how much education I have.
The aeolian harp is a very cool device. It makes the most incredible sounds in wind, rain and snow.
I did enough university work to qualify for a masters degree (over 200 semester credits) but never got around to actually getting the piece of paper that says so. That was because we moved to a remote area and I could not afford to spend the extra year away from home. My employer didn't care about the paper, they knew how much education I have.
The aeolian harp is a very cool device. It makes the most incredible sounds in wind, rain and snow.
Like remar I wanted to check out your work. Wow, I cannot believe how much you have done. I particularly like the idea of an Aelion Harp. I must admit the other projects are rather beyond me.
I'm so glad to hear you still work on your projects. I'm going to check out your pictures if you don't mind.
Selecting a best answer isn't required. I agree that a lot of times it would be hard to choose, as all the answers are good!
How are you feeling?
How are you feeling?
I agree with above. How can we select a best answer when everyone sends a kind message to us?
Hope it helped you coming on this site and "talking." Keep in touch.
Hope it helped you coming on this site and "talking." Keep in touch.
I have received an e-mail sent by a robot (I presume) asking me to select a "best answer" on this "question".
I won't do that. All the answers are excellent and will help me with my problems.
Thanks to all,
Evan
I won't do that. All the answers are excellent and will help me with my problems.
Thanks to all,
Evan
Great! Glad you figured it out! And, glad you found us!! :0)
So sorry you have so much on your plate. No doubt anyone in your position would have recurring thoughts like you do. It's got to be very scary to feel like you don't have many options to address the health concerns you have. Most definitely you have a complex case. As a nurse, it's shocking to read.
I hope that your doctors are able to brainstorm and come up with a solid plan to at least minimize your risk. In the meantime, try to stop and smell those roses, and enjoy life as much as you can. Hopefully, you'll be around for a long time to continue enjoying it. Also, keep in mind that while your case may be one that's very difficult, nothing is impossible, and modern medicine is quite amazing. Try to hang onto some hope that a good plan will be formulated to improve your prognosis.
Please keep posting, we're always here with our listening ears on and our broad shoulders to cry on if need be.
So sorry you have so much on your plate. No doubt anyone in your position would have recurring thoughts like you do. It's got to be very scary to feel like you don't have many options to address the health concerns you have. Most definitely you have a complex case. As a nurse, it's shocking to read.
I hope that your doctors are able to brainstorm and come up with a solid plan to at least minimize your risk. In the meantime, try to stop and smell those roses, and enjoy life as much as you can. Hopefully, you'll be around for a long time to continue enjoying it. Also, keep in mind that while your case may be one that's very difficult, nothing is impossible, and modern medicine is quite amazing. Try to hang onto some hope that a good plan will be formulated to improve your prognosis.
Please keep posting, we're always here with our listening ears on and our broad shoulders to cry on if need be.
You can post pictures...go to your profile page (click on your user id). There is a "photos" section where you can upload pictures. That would be great. I also agree with the others, continue working on your projects and as much as possible, just live life as it is, in the moment. You cannot prepare for death really. The only thing of course would be to make sure your affairs are in order, to make things easier for your loved ones, but beyond that, I would try not to over think it. I know, easier said than done, but try to enjoy your life. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us!
I do still work on projects, but only little ones that I can do without having to stand much. It takes me about 10 times as long to make things these days compared to years ago. I don't get upset much about that but it does mean that anything fancy will take a long time.
I wish it was possible to post pictures. Is it? I don't use Facebook or Twitter. I don't like them very much. 140 characters is not enough for what I need to say and Facebook is something I do not trust much. Have a look at my website to see what I do. ixian.ca/gallery
I wish it was possible to post pictures. Is it? I don't use Facebook or Twitter. I don't like them very much. 140 characters is not enough for what I need to say and Facebook is something I do not trust much. Have a look at my website to see what I do. ixian.ca/gallery
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