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Why can I not get away from the pain?

I had a fiance. I for some odd reason cheated on him, don't know why, there was no reason for it but i guess that's what the military does to someone. He forgave me but we agreed to split up and still be by each others side and build things back up. I asked this girl to come hang out with us and she was all over him everyday and she betrayed my friendship after knowing her for like a day. She was always going to his place drinking with him and spending the night, which sent me through the roof and gave me anxiety attacks. I walked in his room once and she had just gotten done taking a shower and she was wearing his shirt and a pair of MY shorts! Anxiety attack. So i tried and tried to talk to both of them telling them this was really hurting me and they didn't care... they thought it was perfectly fine and they were not doing anything harmful. She said she's friends with everyone and she doesn't pick sides. I told her she was getting in the way of our relationship or whatever we were trying to keep. He was still telling me he loved me and wanted everything to work out. yet he was spending all his time with her and letting her spend the night.
We go on deployment to Japan. They started dating! Oh yea that one felt great.  So then she got kicked out of the military cause she was drinking under age. The whole while, for the first 3 months of deployment i was depressed and became an alcoholic and i wasn't eating and i couldn't sleep and i did really crappy at work and got in trouble becasue of it. I also ended up letting myself go and had sex with a few people and ended up getting pregnant by a guy that wanted nothing to do with me or the kid. SO after this girl went back to the states, he came back to me and said he never liked her and she was boring and ugly and he didn't know why he was dating her and he was sorry. So i forgave him and we tried to stay close again. Well i found out he was still talking to her and dating her. His excuse was that he doesn't like losing friends or dumping girls and he was waiting for her to dump him but his plan when he got back was to help her out cause she didn't have a place of her own to stay. So obviously i was pissed. He told me this while he was also telling me he wanted to take care of my child and be there for me and be with me again!  My head was all fukered up!
So we get back to the states and he's dating her for a couple weeks and he finally dumped her cause he was trying to get his **** together and he said he cared about me and was done with her. Then i hear him call her baby over the phone and i was pissed once again. So i stopped talking to him for a week and he was telling me he was sorry so i forgave him again. So we were close once again. Then he meets this other girl.
Me and him were supposed to eat dinner together and watch a movie like we had been doing but i was making it a little special this time. He tells me he has to pick this girl up from work and take her home cause she needed a ride. Needless to say she was about a half hour out of his way and he just met her. So trying to be better with my anger and jelousy i said okay i'll call you in a while. About 7 rolls around and i had dinner done. I called him and asked where he was. He said he had to help her and her roommate do their laundry so they didn't have to spend money to do it! So figuring we had made plans, he knew i was making him dinner and it would be done, it takes an hour and a half to two hours to do laundry and about another hour to drive them back home and come back to base, he completely ditched me for another girl the entire night.  I was absolutly heart broken once again. So i took his dinner to his room where i seen the girl he had met cuddled under his blanket and he friend was watching a movie in the chair. So i threw his dinner on the table and said loudly here ya go ******* since you wanted to ruin our plans for the night. once again! And i left. I was furious! I wanted to kill people. I don't know who i wanted to kill. Either him or that girl or the last girl he ditched me for! I dunno. So i blocked his number and talked to him three times so far. And so far everytime he's tried to make it out to be my fault and make excuses for eveything. And he still tells me he misses me and he wants to wait till the baby's born to see if HE can accept it. What the hell do I do? Cause for some stupid reason i can't get over him still and i still feel like i love him and he's the only guy i think of.
1 Responses
Avatar universal
You might want to think about counselling, talking things through with a therapist usually gives you some clarity .As well realize how toxic the two of you are together. It happens to the best of us, and I've been in similar shoes (though not the pregnancy)
Have you ever heard the saying "Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free", he's getting both, so why change if he doesn't have to..  

Things have changed now,  you have a baby on the way, and your priorities have to change. Men can come and go, but the child is with you.You don't want drama to affect a child, it messes them up.  It sounds like you really are ready to get some help.  If you have a family or GP that you know, see if you can get referred to a therapist.
Much luck and congrats on the baby!
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