Why can't I rest? Why do I want to die?

[DeziRaeRae]

I'll be the first to admit it, my life *****. I have no friends, there are days when I go completely without human interaction. I lost my father when I was nine, my mother is addicted to drugs, half of my aunts are "Jesus Freaks," and hate me because I have a tattoo, the other half are addicted to pills. I've been molested six times. I weigh almost 300lbs. I am way to obsessed with a superstar, who I see and talk to almost everyday, and yes I know he is just in my intimation. I've been in poverty pretty much all my life, lived in a tent, in our broken down car more than once. Sometimes we've lived with complete strangers. Hince, some of the molestation.

I live in college, and I am lone even surrounded by people. My roommate hates me for ever move I make and I try to appease her, but it never works.  

And with all this I can live.

But I still want to die. I feel like I'm fighting something inside of me and the only way to stop fighting it is to die. I have about fourteen aspirin in  my dresser drawer. I've been thinking about them for about the last six days. I keep putting it off, and keep putting it off. I don't know how much longer I can do it any more. I honestly don't understand why I feel this way. I feel like I should be over all of the things I've listed above, it's in the past and I can't change them, and I don't feel like they are the things I'm fighting. I have short burst where I'm estaticly happy, then I sink down into depression worse than before. How can I stop this? How can I make it end with out killing myself? Or is death the only way?  

[evelyna51]

I feel I can not to my counselor anymore of how these s thoughts attack me and how I really feel......

[RainLover71]

Oh and I forgot swabes,she is so honest and has a great heart.

[RainLover71]

You have friends on here and there are many good people on medhelp like maddie,rose and NG just to name a few.

[Free2agoodhome]

Hello and welcome,,,you got friends here,,,,,

The life you describe now is not living, it's chained to a feeling...one you can never hang on to.....and what you're hanging on to is killing you slowly and stealing your life,

I can't tell you what would make life worth living for you. (nor should I) it's your teachings...your story to own,,,,,,,

You're right,,,,we can't stay in the "past"  it will become our "today" when we do that..

killing yourself sounds too easy...you're stronger than that....you're a "survivor".... else you would not have made it this far.  Theres a reason you were put on this earth...and I can guarantee it's not to live and die that way...

The last thing to go is  always "hope"....and thankfully you still have it !

Try and get some counseling right off the bat....

stick around make some friends,,,,

much support,,,

Free~

[Here4support]

My heart aches for you friend. Yes, friend. That's if you will have another "recovering" addict as a friend. I'm  working on the "recovering" part but either way, I'm a good listener. As the others have recommended you really do need to seek guidance from a doctor. There has to be nurses or counselors there at campus that can lead you to the right direction. Please don't be embarrased or ashamed. There is an entire world out there calling your name! Happiness and smiles! Please seek help. In the meantime, you have us. Ok. You have us as friends. I have met some INCREDIBLY compassionate Individuals on this forum and I will be forever grateful.  I'm also a pretty caring individual myself  so please let me at least pay it forward. I want to be here for you. Promise is though you will go see a doctor and be honest. Will be anxiously awaiting your next response!

[kyle505]

Get some medical help now. We will be here to support and encourage you, but at this point you really need to seek professional guidance. Let us know how it goes.

[inneed1111]

I cant imagine some of the things you have been through but please beleive me when I say nothing is worth taking your life. I to suffer from severe depression. My childhoo
d was nothing compared to yours but itwas no walk in the park. You just have to put one foot in front of the other until you feel better. The problem I work on daily is letting other people define me. Dont let your past define you go out and find who you are and what satisfies the void inside you we are all trying to fill. I will pray for you and pray this helps.

[nursegirl6572]

Death is NEVER the way.  You've been through more in your young life than most people would EVER experience and then some.  NO wonder you're struggling so much.

Do you have an addiction problem?  This is an addiction community.  If not, please let us know, we'll get your thread moved to the depression forum.

PLEASE please please reach out for professional help.  You need it, hon.  You are exhibiting signs of depression, anxiety, and perhaps some other mental disorders.  There are LOTS of treatments out there, you do NOT have to suffer needlessly, I promise.

Please get back to us, let us know if you're struggling with an addiction too.  If you feel you're really in danger of harming yourself, seek help right away.  Don't mess around.  I know you feel hopeless, I can understand that.  You took the first step and reached out here.  Things can only get better from here.  Tell yourself that...believe it.

You're in my thoughts.