Why wont it go away!!

[Jimmy711]

Its every day....every single freakin day...all i can think about is suicide...ever since i lost the love of my life...see...this girl, this amazing,wonderful,beautiful...oh so beautiful girl...would've given her world for me...hell she woulda killed her family for me...and i would've done the same for her..to be less specific we swore that we loved eachother more than anythign else...period...and I did really...but she lived 2000 miles away...for a couple of years at that point...and i needed physical affection...so i messed around with another girl...and well...i lost the love of my life...she wont even talk to me anymore...in fact i think she's brought herself to hate me...can a regret such as this one ever go away???...the new girl can make me happy...but i'll never love her like i loved the first, she'll never make me happy like the first one did...I swear i would do anything to take it back...

But I cant...

So now...everyday all i can think about is suicide, i have a pitiful shithole job at zaxby's, i cant join the military because of asthma, i'm so addicted to world of warcraft that i literally feel that i cant tear myself from it, and i dont get to interact with anyone because of my work schedule, i feel so freakin alone -.-....

Its Tearing me apart

This is a regret that will never go away....This is a regret that i think about all the time....The thoughts bring Extreme depression with the memories of how happy i was with her...and that extreme depression makes me want to kill myself....i've made an attempt at cutting my wrist...didnt work...girlfriend thought i sounded depressed on the phone so she showed up and made a huge scene...i lived.....overdose..well i was justh olding 30 tylenol in my hands15 minutes ago, but i read up on how painful it is...i dont wanna go out in excrusiating pain.

The question is....what can i do....i had a counselor...that helped little but i moved and shes gone, mom doesnt wanna pay for another one because she has this huge house payment and can barely afford it....hehe...i cant afford it with minimum wage...i've got prozac but....it doesnt help..it used to but the effects slowly went away..

Is there a cure for that once in a lifetime love being lost??

[John_jb1]

Hey Jim,

I hear criminal justice is a good area to work in. So I guess I will have to thank those kids!! =p

You don't have to close this, it's always good to talk =]

I think you have to make that "sometimes" every time, the past can haunt allot of people, and only seeing now, and what's around them at the moment, can really take your mind off things that haunt you, I found it good to do when unnecessary thoughts of guilt and hatred came up.

I think that's a good thing to do, to stop telling yourself how rubbish your job is, and then tell yourself that it's only a small part of your life, like some sort of phase, it's very ambitious of you.

I'm very happy to hear that you're exercising everyday, and to go from nothing to 30-60 mins a day. I'm pleased to hear =]
Yeah it's about time you realised about this girl, I know I can't understand it on your level, because frankly if I had a girl friend, and she even lived more than a hour’s drive away, I'd give up there and then. So I can't really understand it on your level, but I know some people do find comfort in talking to people on the internet, even I do now and then, it's good for times of loneliness.

Everyone likes respect, but I think you have social anxiety somewhere, which would make you obsessed with respect, I had the same thing.

Well done Jim, please keep us updated on how you're doing! =]

Thanks

- John -

[Jimmy711]

you're right :) i like my respect lol....too much :/...i'm kinda flowing away from that...but :) i'll always like to be in the lead :)....i've started excersizing for 30 mins to an hour a day, i stopped telling myself how miserable work is and just keep telling myself its only temporary and a small part of my life...and just this weekend i've realized that the first love could never care about me like this girl i'm with does...

Sometimes i see that i've got everything now...its only my past that haunts me...but pushing the past away is much easier than dealing with a really hard life in the present...i should be thankful

If i could close this i would...because you 2 gave me all the advice that i needed...thank you

oh and as for college :)...i'm going for criminal justice....thank the kids that made me think of murder everyday for that... justice rules lol.. :)..thannks a ton guys

[Hensley258]

You will be fine Jimmy. You seem very intelligent and well spoken which will go a long way toward making you a success.

You mentioned going to college and that's a great idea. Take it from a NON-college graduate.... NOT HAVING A DEGREE *****!

Because of this I was 32 years old before I landed a good paying job. For motivation just think of working where you work now for the rest of your life.

It is absolutly key that you further your education.

Good luck!

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Hensley was right in all of that, it's good straight forward advice.

I feel I can relate to you in quite allot of your life in a way. As I two was bullied to the extreme, and I now walk with a permanent limp that stops me from doing simple things like riding a bike. So I'm no stranger to social anxiety.

I really think you should go to college, as Hensley said, it will open allot of doors to you. But with careers I can't really give you advice on that, as I'm 18 as well.

The want to take leadership position is in a way a form of anxiety that shows. It's tells me that you long for respect. With the avoiding contact, I'd say to try and live in the moment, think about what’s happening NOW and not what could happen, or what's going to happen, or what just happened. It helps me allot when confronting people.

I know what you mean by the "freaks" part. As I kind of did that. I was once really social, then everything went downhill (self concept etc etc). So I went in search of them, made really good friends with them, but then my other friends finally snapped and they kind of pulled me back. I still am good friends with both the "freaks" and my original friends. So really it doesn't matter who you're friends with.

Yeah Hensley was right with the computer gaming, I too am also a fan of gaming - as long as its free. I download games such as Warrock, Moorhuhn and I used to have a problem with not being able to get off them.
Thing I did was to burry my-self further away from the computer, such as taking up responsibilities or hanging out with friends more often. Still then you should only be playing a couple hours a week.

With the alcohol, I was actually told if I don't stop drinking I WOULD become an alcoholic and I WOULD suffer huge effects of it. I got drunk pretty much every night for 2 years. - Basically I was an alcoholic.
I took a test, it smacked me in the face and I still can't believe how much damage was caused. What I did was slowly push out of the habit, drink less every day, then I'd replace the alcohol with something else such as coke, pepsi, soda, etc etc.
It seems to work, I only drink excessively on social occasions.

I love, absolutely love, writing poetry and yes I do also struggle to find a happy topic to write about. Of course you don't get paid to do it, BUT what you could do with this skill, is to publish the poems if you want, or/and you could practise writing lyrics and be a lyricist for a band and get about 20% of the profit they earn.

Thanks and good luck!

- John -

[Jimmy711]

- How old are you?
- Does depression run in your family?
- Are you in school/college etc?
- How are you socially? e.g. with your friends
- How are you with making new friends?

i'm 18

no...most everybody in my family was popular and had great lives...i actually got torn to peices, made fun of and abused physically and mentally...it was a private school so the teachers didnt care, they didntk now me, i wasnt from their small little town...thats what first made me depressed

no, i graduated, but i'm planning on college

with my friends i have a blast, i tend to take the leadership position and people love me...with people that arent my friends i'm horrible socially...i avoid contact

making new friends??? hard....i kinda stuck myself in a ball of hatred lol...i usually find the "freaks"....i get along with them best...but its not like all the anti-social people like me are out there to make friends with!!!

yes i do play warcraft to escape lol...and it works...i also like alchohol...even if it is illegal -.-..

thanks guys...you're right i have to get over her :/....and i was for a while, but i guess i've just been lonely with this job cutting me off from everybody, i literally work such hours that i cant even talk to my own mother who i live with...i'll heed your advices and hope to move on with my life....depression *****...i've been happy before...but my counselor said i'd have to live with depression forever because its imprinted in my head at this point...its not going anywhere...so i will definitely have to find that new medicine...as for hobbies i write poetry...most people say i'm really great at it, i made good grades in school and english was my best subject...if professional poetry existed i would do it lol...the only problem is its misery poetry, spilling the darkest emotions and embodying misery on paper...but some people really love it...others..."stop being so depressing" lol...thanks a ton guys :)...i was so excited to see replies

[Hensley258]

I have to agree with just about everything John said in his reply to you.

About the medication your taking. SSRI's like Prozac can often lose their effectivness over time. That's exactly why many of us Depressed individuals have to change Antidepressent medications from time to time.

You really should at least try to carve up enough money to get re-evaluated for a medication change. Unfortunatly I really can't advocate any natural suppliments that may help you with your depression, simply because in my case (have tried them all) they just don't work. At least not for the more severe forms of Depression.

Some people do report getting results from natural suppliments so I guess it depends on the person and the severity and depth of their Depression and Anxiety.

After finding a medication that works for you then there are other steps which you MUST do to get over this situation your in.

After finding the right medication you must start working on activities that will help you re-build your self esteem. I find that weight lifting and working out are the best. You build your health and body and the mind will follow.

The great thing about working out is that it's JUST FOR YOU.

Right now you need to focus on yourself NOT SOME GIRL THAT LIVES 2000 MILES AWAY.

Trust me there will be other Women and as God is my witness, there are a ton out there that will make you feel just the way this lost love made you feel.

Forget about that junk right now. Whats done is done and you must be strong and focus on improving yourself.

Before another great Love comes along, you must first take steps to improve yourself.
This can be done, but you first need to get your head streight by finding the right medication that can get you over the hump.

About the job situation. I have news.... Everyone is struggling right now. The Economy has gone to hell and many of the good paying jobs have dried up.

Look for oppertunities as a trainee or apprentice in a better paying field like, heating and cooling, electrical, plumbing, or any kind of specialized work. You start at the bottom making almost nothing, but you gain experience in a good paying line of work that can support your needs. Forget about the food business, it's a dead end industry for most unless you own the business.

Take classes and maybe even try to get just a two year degree. Even a low level degree can open a lot of doors for you. My suggestion would be something in the medical field. Health related workers are always in demand and the pay can be very good.

Take out a student loan if you must, but get certified in something. This is key if you are to improve your financial standing.

Baby steps, Baby steps. You do remember the first step I mentioned above? (get this medication issue corrected first) then step two........ and so on.

To keep from getting overwhelmed when I plan long term goals, I will block steps 2,3,4,5, ect.... out of my mind until the first step is completed. Then I focus only on the second step and so on.

About the PC gaming and WarCraft. I also enjoy online PC gaming. I like to play Crysis, FEAR, and even some MMO games too....... BUT, ALL IN MODERATION. I keep it to a couple hours a week. I know how immersive and addicting gaming can be, but you can limit your time with it. I cut back my time online long ago and you can do it too.

That's the plan dude. I'm telling you it works but it must be followed.

Good luck.

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Now just take a step back for a second, you've buried your head in allot of stuff, which obviously stresses you.

With the girl problem, I'd say you do need to get over this girl, and start looking for more to take your mind off her. I know what it's like to get your hopes up so so much, the hope of seeing her in life, to get to know her in person, but then you realise how hard of a thing that is, so you look for something else in the meen time.

I don't blame you for "cheating" on her, because as you said, she lives over 2000 miles away, so I wouldnt be supprised if she had probably has done the same, just not told you.

The world of war craft thing, I think you're using that as some sort of escape world, e.g. some people take alcohol/drugs when they're depressed or want to escape, you go on that. - am I right in saying that?

Also, just so I can get a better summery, would you mind if I asked you some questions?
Such as:

- How old are you?
- Does depression run in your family?
- Are you in school/college etc?
- How are you socially? e.g. with your friends
- How are you with making new friends?

With the Prozac, it looks like you've probably gone too depressed/stressed for them, go to your doctors and he could probs give you some better stuff to take.

I think you do need to look for a new job, because this one obviously isn't really funding you enough, so start looking about, but keep this job untill you do have a better one, then at least you have something.


And no there is not a cure for a "once in a lifetime love" being lost. This is a fact, everyone is different and you can't exactly replace her. The only thing you can do is get over her, I'm not saying forget about her, because that is impossible, but you do need to cut the love line with her.

But you'll have to go the right way around it, if you just go through denial and do things like... say you started thinking of her and then you try to chance the subject of thought in your mind.
It's a common thing to do, which is actually very very stressful, because it just doesn't work, it's basically lying to your self, which you should NEVER do.

Probably the way for you, is to take up a hobby, something like drawing, painting, musical instrument, poetry (good for getting things out), things like that. Try to make this new hobby expressive, like you can express your self in a poem, drawing and even in music, as this helps to clear your mind.

I know this does sound weird, but try taking them Omega 3 fish oil tablets, as they are actually used in the treatment of depression, as they help the mind focus on sorting things out, concentration, problem solving etc.

Try taking up some kind of excersize as well, especially when the need to self harm arouses, because excersize releases the hormone Endorphines, which actually makes you feel happier and also it clears your mind out.
Of course you'd need to take your inhaler, just go for a run/jog/walk, and I know it will be hard to make your self do these things but it is important that you do.

Thanks and good luck!

- John -