Yo

[ashez]

So, here it is in a nutshell... I have been a lab rat my entire life ... From ritalin to xanax. I don't feel much pain or sadness or anything for that matter. I don't talk to anyone about how I feel, and I don't really think it would help if I did, but I am going to try this online because I don't know who you are and you don't know me. When I do feel sad or mad, I get REALLY mad or sad when it happens. lately I have been getting both alot. My 2nd child was born almost a week ago, the pregnancy was very hard for me because I was worried about my child and my wife until he was born. Today he was admitted to the hospital because of being yellow in color. Nobody wants to tell me why he is like that, they just tell me not to worry and it happens to alot of babies and he will be fine.. I could not handle losing a child, I know people have lost children and some can deal with that.. But I could not. I also have a daughter and step son who are in good health and I love them with all of my heart. I cannot shake this feeling that I want to die, I think of them and try to tell myself that I need to be around for all of them... But I always go back to the feeling of wanting someone to kill me or just to die. I invision taking a gun to a police man until he kills me... I have come very close to doing just that. The reason I haven't is because I am scared to do it and I want my children to grow up with a father. But like when I get really mad or sad I really want to do it, and I don't even know myself well enough to know if I will or not. Anyways don't even bother responding to this, because I will not read it again.. I just wanted to get this off of my chest to see how I feel.

[marialou]

hello hun,your baby will be fine,god willing,it sounds like he has jaundess.its more common than you would think..i wish you health an happiness.

[mammo]

As an adult and the father of your child it is YOUR responsibility to talk to the doctors and demand answers and explanations as to what is wrong with your child. You can't sit back and cry "they won't tell me anything!"  NONE of us who have lost a child can "deal with it" and you're no different.  You learn to think of others who would be devestated should they lose you also.  You say you worried so much about your wife and baby, yet you talk of taking your life?  Listen to yourself!  You need to get counseling and get to the root of your problem.  YOU are the only one who can help yourself.  You know you have a problem, now take the next step and get help.  It has to be very difficult on your wife and children to see you like this, do it for them!  I know you'll read these posts or you wouldn't have written, which tells me you want help.  I feel most of us have had trouble speaking to a professional about our feelings, but we do it at first for all who love us, all  we love, and then for ourselves.  You have to "man up" and take that first step, you can't allow yourself to be frozen in fear.  We've all been afraid, but there comes a time when you just have to do whatever it takes to get better, and your family needs you.

[whodunnit]

Hi,

So, you've written about at least some of it. How do you feel? Seriously, does it help you?

It sure as hell helped me all those times I spoke to a doc, shrink or counsellor and when I first started using these forums. Always helped. Not like solving it but relief to actually spit it out and see that it's just feelings, not something solid and hurtful.

Feelings do hurt big time but mainly when they are squashed inside us and never aired.

And you've been on meds since very young by the sound of it. SO sorry they did that as I firmly believe it's actually bad for shildren's brains. Doesn't stop the "experts" though does it.

And you never talk to anyone about it. That, my friend, is the ONLY real way to solve this illness. Talking to a live person, and here, so you get to what started it, get your fears out and see they are just thoughts and so on.

The dread I've had of my future over the years has always predicted the worst outcomes. You know how much of all that stuff I imagined actually occurred? 1 thing. I lost my job due to a breakdown. But that's just one of thousands of bad things I imagined. So it's nearly all just rubbish, depression chatting to us.

POst here some more and get used to saying it and then maybe you will be ready to try it live. It's a scary thing, until you do it and then you can't shut up. Really. I said not a word about myself until 35 when my marriage broke up. Not a word. What a change

The yellow colouring of your latest child is quite normal and it's something that happens to lots of new borns. It's not a dangerous thing but does need attention. I'm not sure but yellow usually means jaundice but I don't know much about that either.

From my memory I'd think it's only a day or two for that yellow to go away. I hope it is for you and yours. They probably don't say what it is because it is so normal and expect you to understand. Their ignorance but that's how they work often.

The feeling of wanting to die too is common. It's depression of course and the way to stop it is therapy.

I know you said you won't read but I hope you do as that is the way forward.