bi-polar/suicide

[red1130]

My husband left me after 30 years, I became depressed when my daughter left for college.He didn't know how to help me and didn't really try, he was ok unless a crisis came up, and left because he couldn't handle it. I didn't know I was bi-polar my whole life, my parents said my moods swing were signs of an eccentric artist. I never lived alone, I only worked on the outside part time my entire life, I was a home maker. I'm 54 years old hospitalized twice, I've on Lithium, laminal, clonzapam for six years. I recently had my thyroid taken out so you can add the drug synthroid to the mix because I'm a pin cushion. I've tried to increase my part time business, but it's taking time and I'm running out of money. I came from a very dysfunctional family, and after my divorce, friends changed and pulled away. I have a Daughter 27 years old that has not talked to my ex or me for years, partly the divorce and she wants to work on herself, independent and self sufficient. I tried dating, I have therapist for six years and and a pharmaceutical psychiatrist, so we come to real dilemma I had enough, I feel I had a good life but I don't want to live up and down having my meds tweeted, I'm lonely, scared and I would rather leave this planet, I just got dealt a bad deck of cards. It's one thing to live and love somebody and go through hard times together and finding out your bi-polar, most men do not want a mentally challenged person, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

[finsright]

You are dealing with a lot. I lost my husband of 34 years to sudden heart failure. He was the most important person in my life. I blamed myself because I wanted al kinds of junk foods and we both had gained weight. For over a year I couldn't eat from the guilt. In the year after his death I lost 100 lbs. I have a daughter who lives in Alabama who never comes here to Fl. She doesn't call and usually I can't get her on the phone. It's not unusal for me to call for over a month and not get her. That applies to text too. I felt I lost her the same time my husband died. But I know she loves me it's just when I call her of if she comes to visit it reminds her that her Dad is really dead. Sometimes it all hurts so bad that I just want to be with my husband. My dr has been increasing or changing my meds for as long as I can remember. The last time I told him I just want a pill that will make me happy again, he laughed and said there wasn't anything that wasn't illegal that would do that (he was teasing!) he's the best dr I've been to. Sharing with people on this site has helped me more than anything. It helps to know you have someone to share with. I was so lonely and after a short time friends and family didn't want to talk about it anymore. My youngest daughter told me it was depressing to be around me. I doubt any of this helps because my husband didn't walk out on me. There must be a lot of anger there, but i've heard that anger turned inside causes depression. I know that's not the whole problem but it could make the problem worse. I'm mot sure if you have been told this by your dr, bet your throid being low adds to depression, so be sure your getting enough replacement. I'll keep you in my heart and please feel free to contact me. I'm here all the time! Love Gail

[freddie8605]

Hi I am sorry you are feeling that way. I to go through periods in my life thinking that same thing but the one thing i can tell you is, it does go away. it will pass. i cant tell you when it could be a day, a week or longer. I suggest you talk to your therapist about theses feeling and thoughts so they will be able to give you strategies to help change your life or the way you see your life so you can feel better. It is very hard being bipolar and i bet even harder having people around you not wanting to help you deal with the issues bipolar presents. With the negative things of bipolar come positives. bipolar people tend to be creative in what ever field such as artist, writing, singing, dancing and actors. and i bet you are talented in your area. What i find helpful in when i am feeling down and horrible, is to draw and paint and something to distract myself even if just for a few hours.
If these thoughts get stronger i really want you to get some help ASAP. even if that means taking yourself to the ER.
Feel free to talk to me anytime.
Life will get better.