can anyone advise me about depression?

[theredmanc]

hi there im a first time user of medhelp, my problem is, i feel i am going into a state of deep depression and this is the first time i have spoke about it. i have ankylosing spondylitis (AS) which is a form of arthritis, i have been taking tramadol since sept 2008, but now i feel i have got depression due to being on long term sick from my employers weetabix, lack of money comming in, allways in constant pain. i have to wait until i am issued with the correct medication, which leads me to my next point, i also have a blod condition (high haemaglobin) which give me very bad migrane headaches and make me feel sleepy, but doctors dont know what is causing it, so until they know whats causing the high haemaglobin they cant treat me with drugs for my AS and i also have type 1 diabetes. i may sound like a moaner or in self pitty but feel down all the time, people tell me all the time "your health comes before work" but NO i think my wife and kids come before anything, i want to help support them, put some money in the house, pay bills, have a bit of stability back in our life. my wife works full time but it seems after she pays the bills and rent we aint got much left, and i feel guilty because i cant help, the doctor estimates it could the end of the year before i can go back to work and do at least 80% of my job, with all of this going through my head every minute of the day i feel im going to have a nervous breakdown, im too ashamed to go and see the doctor because everyone knows me as being the joker and dependable, allways the one up for a laugh, i do try to keep putting a smile on. i feel sorry for my family because i have a loving wife who would do anything for me and i would speak to her, but dont know where to begin, i dont want anyone to think im silly or stupid, and i feel i am taking it out on my kids, allways shouting, not listening, no energy to play games with them, i just feel that im trapped between 4 brick walls in a very dark place. i just keep thinking why me? i just want to live a normal life with no illness (now i am starting the self pitty bit aint i? lol). is it normal to feel ashamed of depression and wanting to keep it to your self? is anyone going through the same thing? can anyone advise me what to do apart from the obvious answer of going to see the doctor.

[whodunnit]

Feeling shame unfortunately is a very common feeling for us, human beings. The reason we do feel that is we have this inbuilt expectation that we can cope with anything but reality says we cannot.

If you weren't depressed would you feel shame about your other illnesses? I'd suggest not as you know those are illnesses that have developed and not because you wanted them.

For some reason many still see depression as a weakness in someone else, until they feel it that is. It is not a weakness and really surviving with depression is as gutsy as you can get. It can be a terrifying load to carry and we do it usually in silence as we don't want others to know do we?

Such feelings, shame and so on are wrong. They add to the problem when we should simply be treating it as another illness and getting treatment for it.

In your case you have an enormous load to carry, illnesses, tests, meds conflicting with each other and docs who aren't sure what to do to help you deal with it all.

Health must be your first priority. Not just for you as if you are not healthy how can you achieve the things you want for your family. You must focus on your health now and try to get some of it under control if you and the docs can achieve that.

There is no question that chronic opain on it's own usually creates co existent depression but for you there's muich more than that isn't there? Look at it another way if you can. Tell yourself you have been able to cope so far and try looking only to the end of the current day. Don't think of tomorrow as it doesn't matter. Today matters, deal with tomorrow when it comes OK.

I too have chronic pain and have been on Yramal fopr over 4 years now, with reasonable results so I have some idea what you talk about. Relief from pain can give us time to work on the depression you see.

[rawr_iloveyou]

i feel ashamed of my depression honestly. i want someone to know so i can get help, but im too afraid to tell anyone or ask for help. so its normal to feel like you do.
im sorry im not much help, but try to tell your wife or take yourself to a doctor. i would take myself straight to one if i had a way to pay for it and a way to get there without others knowing.
so stay strong, and everyone here is here to help. :) dont feel bad about anything. we all understand.

:)

[remar]

I do think it's normal for alot of us to feel ashamed that we have depression. We might feel weak and not want anyone to know what's going on.
I'm glad you found Medhelp because there are alot of people here that are going through what you're going through. Have you checked out the depression forum yet? There's usually always some one here to talk with and that really helps.
Believe me, your not alone. So many people suffer from depression and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Welcome to Medhelp. Take care. Remar