depressing thoughts leading to suicidal thoughts

[chrisjavier]

hi guys, im an 18 year old guy who just graduated high school.
i've always had a problem with depression throughout my life. i grew up in an abusive household where my dad beat us.
ever since i was in 1st grade i've had sucidial thoughts. but the thing is, i've never told anyone. i've always held my emotions and pain all within. i never told my family.

this brings me to where i am now. later in life i fell madly in love with this girl for 3 years. my life hasnt been all that great til i met her. it seemed like i finally found that angel i was looking for to save me from my depression.  my friends said that she not a good person and she had her own depression. i was there for her, as much as she was there for me.
i actually saved her from committing suicide.

but recently , she broke up with me. after 3 years of my soul which was given to her. she found a a boyfriend 2 weeks later. not only that shes inviting the entire school to a party. and the one person in the school not invited, is me.
like i've been really depressed, and just recently i've been sucidial. yesterday i tried.
because of my depression i've been experimenting with alot of drugs like pot, tylenol pm , and alot of benadryl.
these all calm me because they make me sleepy. i like to sleep, because its an escape from reality and pain.

i want to live, but i dont want to. please somoene , help me. please.

[ez2sayhi]

hey dude I know was going on because I knew going crazy my on mind.

I don't understand what's going on from day to day.

I have tried: everyone. There is on in that I normally do is hang up on me.

I also desperate I can't the local police to come over and talk to me which was a very bad idea.

To understand nine there are people out there is hurting and you.

So if you make it dude.

So understand , life is great. Later E Z LaTer

[chrisjavier]

i continuously smoke so i can numb myself from the pain
i hate living honestly, i dont see what passions that i once had.
i really wish i could see what your saying..
but i just ..dont

http://www.********.***.*******.php?id=*************
thats my facebook if anyone want to talk to me there,
just really lonely these days, now that im gone for college.
really just wanna talk to anybody, anyone really

[Mefromfl317]

STEP 1.  Change your attitude.
If you keep thinking nothing is going to work; it won't !
STEP 2. Don't pull the race card.
One of my best friends used to do that all the time.  Everytime something didn't go his way; he said it was because he was black and nobody liked him.  
that's B.S.  Color means nothing !!!  It's how you make yourself look to others that makes the difference.  If you are down all the time; people aren't going to want to be around you because it brings them down.  hence....CHANGE THE ATTITUDE.
Now that you have disclosed that you are black; I am even more disappointed in you Chris. The main trait of the black man that I admired was the fact that when the black people wanted equal rights....they went after it.   They busted their as#@$ to get what they were after and they succeeded.  You are missing that quality in your life Chris. Be proud that you are black, green, brown, yellow or whatever and go after what you want.  It's not going to come to YOU...YOU have to go get it.  If you truly want to be happy, then don't just try......DO IT !!!!  When you wake up in the morning.....ONLY YOU can decide what kind of day you are going to have.  Convince yourself that you won't let ANYTHING get to you.  If something gets in your way of a good day; shove it aside and don't look at it again. Walk on by it and continue on with your pusuit of happiness.
I don't know what else to say to you Chris to get you motivated to change your life.  If someone dogs you during your day; let them go.  You don't need them.  You need more positive people and thoughts with you at all times.  Don't look back.  Keep your focus on what you want to achieve.  If that is happiness.  Then GO FOR IT !!!!  

                                      PEACE to you my friend.               DENNIS

[chrisjavier]

this whole depression thing has become a norm to my life, and honestly im just getting sick and tired..
im trying believe me, but nothing ever seems to work.
so..why bother when all is going to fail..
im sick and tired, like it doesnt help when my school is predominantly a white school and i feel as if its racist towards me.
i honestly dont feel welcome to this entire school, i feel abandoned and looked at differently by the people at this school.  
sadness doesnt even come close to how dark my soul feels within, im trying to make myself happy.
but thats when i resort to drugs, because its the only thing that i can rely on.
but today i was actually sober, because i slept most of my day away.
sleeping is my 2nd and only other way i escape this hell .
i just want to be happy , thats all

[Honor60]

Hi. I am new here but not new to depression. You said your dad beat you. I know an abused person loses self-respect and feels pretty worthless as a direct result of this abuse by a parent. Parents are supposed to nurture their kids, not harm them. I really think that you can take some positive steps ton help yourself- but first you must decide you want to. We can feel depressed so long that it becomes our norm..our comfort zone and change brings fear. Once you talk yourself into doing something about it you need to find a support group for people who have been abused. There you will find others like yourself. Realize that that girl was not your angel but was unhealthy for you. She can not help you as she needs help herself. You need to only think about yourself right now. Make a list of things you want to accomplish in your life and know that you are so young. Life goes by so fast. Don't waste yours. You need to know you are somebody..you are important and at 18 the world is yours. You can do anything if you really want to. Maybe college or a trade school.
Is there a counselor at your school you can go to for help finding a support group near you...not online..in person. Also discuss career goals. Show everyone you are stronger and better then they are..those who hurt you.. And decide you are gonna be happy despite what was done to you. You must take the first step. Listen to Dennis here too, he is right...you are feeling too sorry for yourself. You make your own happiness in this world, son!    ....hugs.. Mamma Sue

[chrisjavier]

i just need to be happy.

[Mefromfl317]

Chris....drugs are not the answer to your problem. All that's going to do is give you a temporary high and you might feel better for a little while; but it's not going to solve anything.   You're just spinning your wheels Chris.  You're not trying to help yourself.  You're too busy feeling sorry for yourself to get off your *** and change your attitude. Why hang on to something if all it's going to do is bring you down?  You said it yourself in your last answer to me.  "She doesn't deserve to be happy, but i do".  Then forget her and concentrate on YOU !!!!   God's not the one fu@%$#g with you....YOU are the one that is making your own life miserable.  
OK....I'm going to talk to you man to man.....the only thing you have lost is a girl that you think you loved very much.  Did you truly love her or is it a hormone thing????
I lost a son.....yes a son.  Not a gf, bf, or whatever.  I lost my son at 9 years old.  Now THAT is a loss Chris !!!!   YOU can replace a gf/bf or whatever...you can't replace a son.
So you think you are depressed?  I have had to deal with my loss for years.  Every year his birthday comes around; don't you think that I think about him?   You bet your sweet *** I do.  Every year the date of his death comes around; don't you think that I think about him?   Hell yes I do.  But I have learned to live with it. I think of all the good times we had together.  The love we shared. MOVE ON CHRIS !!!!!!   it's over...get that through your head.  Nothing you can do or no matter how depressed you stay; if it's not meant to be, it's not going to happen.  So....tomorrow morning when you wake up....sit on the side of your bed, wait til your morning wood has gone away (lol) and tell yourself you are going to have a good day.  You are going to MAKE IT a good day.  You WILL NOT think negative thoughts.
Chris...if I was there with you....I would first  smack you in the face....then when you look at me as if to say "what in hell did you do that for?"  I would tell you to snap out of it and go make yourself a good day.  Then I would give you a big hug and tell you that it isn't God fu&%$g with you....it's the devil and you are letting him win !!!!   You've got to kick satan's *** to the curb.  Go and have yourself a good life.  After you kick satan to the curb and tell him outloud that you are not putting up with his ****.....you drop to your knees and thank God for giving you the strength to do that !!!  Then go live your life like it should be lived.  |
Chris.....you have people that care about you.... I'm not sure why; but I am one of those people.  I don't even know you; but I have grown to have feelings for you; because I know the hurt you have gone through.  It's time Chris.  It's time to put all of this behind you.  Look for the finer things in life.  Don't live for yesterday.  That's GONE !!!  You can't do anything about it.  Plan for what's coming up TODAY !!!  only YOU can control your life.  Don't let outsiders take the wheel and steer you off a cliff.  YOU grab the wheel, hug the curves, slow down and enjoy your life and when the day is done, you drive home to be within yourself.  Get up the next day and do it all over again.   It's your call !!!!  Live your life like you want to live it.  Not like someone else wants you to live it.

                                                                           PEACE<  your bud,  DENNIS

[chrisjavier]

she doesnt deserve to be happy, but i do.
but no, God continuosly ***** with me.
i resort to drugs just to ******* help me.
im so ******* pissed at how depressed i am.

[Mefromfl317]

Hi Chris. Long time no speekie... Chris...don't be ashamed of the fact that you smoked. Everybody deals with stressful situations differently. If that is all you are doing is smoking a little pot, then so be it.  Just don't go overboard and get into a bunch of hard drugs.  That will only make the situation harder.  Look my friend....you have GOT to move on.  I never said it would be easy; but life isn't easy either.  Like I said before; show her that you are happy for her.  I know that might not be the easiest thing for you to do either; but not only will it show her that you are a man with true feelings for her, it will also set a motion going in YOUR mind that you accept the fact that she is with someone else for now.  There is a old saying:  "If you love something let it go. If it comes back, love it forever.  If it doesn't....it wasn't meant to be."  Chris....I know you hurt; but it's time you man up and face the fact that not all you want is meant for you to have.  In a perfect world; we could just walk down the street, see someone we think we want, go up to them and tell them we want them and take them home forever.  That's not the way it works.  Unfortunately....we have to deal with a two way thing here.  You love her, she loves someone else.  She may still have feelings for you; but if you do something stupid, like showing your bad side and trying to hurt her or her new bf or yourself; she will just think that you are a weak person and not someone that she needs. Show her that YOU are the man you are and that you can accept loss.  Show her that you care for her by letting her know that you are happy that she is happy.  Chris...you never know how things are going to turn out.  She may find something out about this new guy that she doesn't like and see that she had it better with you.  Don't give up on yourself.  You have to be strong and keep hope in your heart that if it is meant to be; it will be.  If not Chris, then you MUST move on and find someone that WILL work out for you.  She is not the only fish in the sea.  But if you just sit around moping on the dock instead of going out fishing; you will never catch anything.
Chris....again I wish you all the best and I hope and pray that you continue on trying to live a successful life, counting your losses.  We all have to do it.  You are not; by far the only guy to have lost love.  Please keep in touch and like I said before if you need me, I will be here for you.  Good luck my friend.                  PEACE

[chrisjavier]

i havent replied in a while because i feel ashamed that i've smoke everyday.so much for being sober.

[Mefromfl317]

Chris....I know it's easy for others to tell you what to try to do to help yourself get over your loss and you should listen and take the advice of those people who have gone through similar losses; but only YOU know exactly what your feelings are and how difficult it truly is to get over your friend.  I'm not saying it's going to be easy....it sure wasn't easy at all for me; but you have to move on.  If for no other reason than your own sanity.  Chris; you sound like you really loved your friend and that is very admirable; but try to think of it this way.  You can't make someone love someone else; if they don't.  Obviously, your friend has found someone she loves more and that is sad for you; but if you TRULY love that friend, show her that you are happy for her that she found someone.  Sometimes that helps let the lost friend know just how much you do care about them.  Who knows maybe she will see that and know in her heart that you really do care for her and it might plant a seed in her heart.  Try to keep yourself busy thinking of other things that can make you happy.  Keep your mind occupied with thoughts other than of her.  I'm not saying totally forget her.  If you really love her, you will NEVER forget her; but try not to sit and dwell on her.  You are going through a very tough transition.  Losing someone you love is never an easy thing to do; but YOU have to put a lot of effort into keeping YOURSELF healthy; both mentally and physically, by trying to move on.  Chris....if you need to talk to someone at any time; please feel free to e-mail me at ***@****.   I really feel for you; because I know exactly what you are going through and if I can help in ANY way; I want to do just that.  We can break bones in our body and it hurts; but NOTHING hurts worse than a broken heart. I've been there.....Chris I am really sincere in saying that if you need me; I will be here for you.  I am not sure why your story has touched my heart so much more than so many others similar to yours; but it has and I want to try to help if I can. Chris.....use me if you need to.  I would be most happy to try to help you deal with your feelings.   PEACE bro.

[chrisjavier]

i wish ..
but now i just moved out of home.
i just moved into my dorm.
and now im all alone, and now i have the worst and hardest of nightmares of her haunting me.
i wish i had someone there to lean on. my soul feel likes i need someone.

[Mefromfl317]

Hi Chris.  I am new to this Med Help Forum; but I couldn't help but be totally captivated by your situation.  I was diagnosed with cronic depression 30 years ago. I am still on anti-depressants; but only because I DO HAVE a chemical imbalance in my brain and they seem to help me.  I have been exactly where you are. I lost someone that was very close to me. I wanted to die and tried committing suicide twice; but have finally moved past that stage.  I wish I lived near you; because I feel like I could be a good shoulder for you to lean on.  We have had similar situations happen to us both. I know it's difficult to get rid of the thoughts of your friend; but you HAVE TO move on.  Dwelling on her will only keep you in the same rut you are in.  I had to actually burn all pictures, letters, anything I had that reminded me of my friend, to help me get over my loss. It's not an easy task; but it is something that you need to do.  Find someone that you can talk to.  Go to parks, the ocean, places where people like to sit and think.  You may find someone that is willing to share their thoughts with you and you can do the same.  I find great solice in the ocean. I don't know where you live; but if you are near the ocean....it is quite calming.  I feel at one with God there.  The ocean is my church.  I can go there and talk to God or just talk to the air ( in a secluded place of course) or someone will think you are nuts. But just talking whether there is someone there or not can sometimes be very theraputic.  Being a teen in this generation is very difficult. I wouldn't want to be a teen now for anything.  I really feel sad for this generation and feel somewhat responsible for the state that our world is in. Our generation really screwed up and let this country and the rest of the world go to poop. You seem like a great guy and I really do with there was more I could do to help you. I am a great listener.  I actually talked my son's friend out of committing suicide on the phone.  He called my son in the middle of the night saying he wanted to die and was going to commit suicide. My son came in and woke me up.  I got on the phone with his friend and talked him down.  I went to see him the next day and we spent the whole day together.  We grew quite fond of each other after that and he started spending alot of time at our home.  He started calling me dad.  I must admit I loved it.  To this day; he is a very successful young man and he always keeps in touch with me.  
Chris....I want you to make me a promise that you will NEVER try to take your own life again.  It takes a real man to cope with his problems and a coward to run away from them. I learned it the hard way.  I almost succeeded on my second attempt.  They brought me back go life and I'm glad they did.  Sure I'm not the happiest man in the world; but if I can help just one other person, like you, to achieve a feeling of success in coping with the problems that life throws at you; then I am happy.  

I wish you all the luck and love in the world Chris.  PEACE be with you.    

[chrisjavier]

im trying to live in the present.
but these choices are hard.
all i want now is to be loved, and to love someone.
the suicidal thoughts died out.
my love for drugs is fading..
now i want real tangible love.
the love that was missing from my past relationship.

[bbaggins]

Growing up in the teen years can be hard on anyone, and being in the situation you were in probably made them even harder.

However, since you are 18 now, consider that a new door has opened, and that new opportunities abound.

Life, in a sense, is just beginning for you as an adult. So, take this opportunity to do a "self reboot", if you will, and start life beginning today. What's in the past cannot be changed, but what's in your future has yet to be set before you, and is something you CAN change.

Don't live in the past, but do live for tomorrow.

[pattifan]

Also- there's more posts for you on the addictions forum- wasn't sure if you check both.
Take care

[pattifan]

Hi Chris,

I still think your depression is a withdrawal symptom.

Yesterday's experience shows that it can be controlled by distraction.

If you feel up to it, go to your nearest healthfood shop tomorrow and get some 5HTP. It's not a magic cure but it can help lift your mood, and I think any support for you now is a bonus.

I know how badly you must feel like going out and getting hammered, but it isn't a solution. It's a short term fix, which would leave you back at square one, and eventually having to go through all this again.

Can you distract yourself tonight and tomorrow? There's no harm spending time with friends if it doesn't involve drink/drugs. Otherwise how about laying in your favourite DVD's or even just going for a walk in the fresh air. Exercise does help if you feel up to it, in fact, even if you have to force yourself to do it.

Keep hanging in there.

Thinking of you

[chrisjavier]

its been a long 12 days.
and yesterday, i was actually happy. i spent my entire day with my friends, and actually felt happiness. i smiled.

but today, i woke up. feeling sick, sad , and all the more depressed.
i feel like i woke up with a hangover, and losing a high.

i feel incredibly weak, sad. i dont know why.
why doesnt this feeling of happiness just carry over?

and i dont know, still temptations to end my sobriety is still too tempting.

[pattifan]

Chris,

I'm happy for you today (sounds stupid I know), but I really think you're getting somewhere.

You have definitely turned a corner since your first post, and I also think you've identified the cause of your depression.

I really hope you feel able to stay strong, because 11 days clean is such a tremendous achievement.

Now, I have a reasonable knowledge of drug problems but very little knowledge of alcohol problems, so I would urge you to go on to the Addiction- Substance abuse forum, and talk to us there. Particularly talk to Gnarly_1 and IBKleen who have a wealth of knowledge in this area.

Not only them, but everyone on that forum can give you a huge amount of help, advice and support. I think you'll find it more appropriate for you than this forum.

Take care

[chrisjavier]

im starting believe that it may have been that the drugs and alchohol..and my brains still coping with sobreity. its going to be 11 days of sobriety, and its been a ride. i do have friends who are close to me, but i feel like this everyday..and everytime i tell them im not feeling good..they're getting annoyed, and dont want to put up with me like this.
they miss the old me, more than i do. the past 2 days have been just weird, and idk that i've been liking it.
i still feel like my hearts been torn completely apart. and today i woke up and starting crying.
the second i wake up each mornign is what really hurts, and its the hardest point of my day becaues i have to find a reason to wake up, to be alive.
idk , i feel like it wont be very long until i relapse.

[pattifan]

Hi Chris,

What you say is interesting, because I can't help but wonder of your acute element of depression is due due to withdrawal from drugs and alcohol.  It often is part of the withdrawal syndrome, and if you were depressed beforehand I would think the withdrawal syndrome is very likely to have exacerbated it.

That's good news, because at 10 days you should soon be starting to feel a bit better, and from what you say, perhaps that's already happening.

Aside from music you could look out a pile of your favourite DVD's or rent some new ones out. They always make a good distraction. Exercise is really helpful too. I appeciate you won't feel very motivated to do it right now, but even a short walk in the fresh air every day is therapeutic and helps to start establishing a normal routine.

Do you have a friend locally that you trust and who you might feel able to talk to about all this? Just letting it all out can be a great release.

I'm happy to see that you're hanging on in there and that your mood does seem to be gradually improving.

Thinking of you

[chrisjavier]

and for some reason, music does alot of weird things to me.
music directly affects my mood.
it brings memories, make me sad and even more depressed.

but i dont wanna listen to happy music, and especially love songs.
i listen to sad music because matches me..and i can relate to it.

[chrisjavier]

i never really thought about it..but i was depressed, but the drugs and alcohol all amplified my pain.
the suicidal thoughts have subsided, and its been the first day where i've stayed home alone and away from substances and thinking of hurting myself.
i dont know , could it be the 5htp already working? yesterday was odd, i had an underlying smile underneath all this sadness.
still scared, but sobriety's just very different and im really not used to it.
im just so used to running away from my problems, it gave me an outlet to escape from reality and numb myself from sadness.

so now, its hitting me really hard becaue im sober and have nothing to run to .
its all catching up to me.
i want to say im on a rise, but i dont want to speak to soon .

[pattifan]

Hi

Congratulations on your 10 days!

Yes, the 5HTP is very relaxing and I'm very glad you're finding it a help. It will probably take a while longer until you feel the benefit of the St John's Wort.

The fact that you had a good day yesterday is a good sign. We all have our good and bad days, but hopefully the bad one's will be milder and less frequent.

My only concern is that if your depression is severe, it may take more than the OTC remedies to help lift it. i.e. you may require a prescribed antidepressant. However, I've made that point before, and of course it's your choice whether or not to see a doctor. The one thing that I would like ask is that if you should start having suicidal thoughts again, please see your doctor immediately.

I was also wondering,if you were just as depressed before you became sober, or did this episode start when you became sober?

I'm really glad to see that you're more settled.

Try to stay strong because time IS a great healer.

Take care