Depression Community
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Avatar universal


Hi I need some help please, my girlfriend/partner of a year suffers with depression. To say the last year has been strange and mainly volatile is an understatement. I'm 37 and she's 38.we work together.for the last year we have constantly argued and haven't spoken for days on end. I've never Bern in this type of relationship before or never witnessed anything like it. When we are in work I'm given the cold shoulder to the extent I'm invisible at times, when I text to see if all is ok I get abused and blamed for interfering, I can't win. She acts all flirty with her male colleagues which I have to witness on a daily basis, as I'm not allowed to inform anyone in work of our relationship, I feel like a dirty little secret , when I question or challenge her over things she accuses me of being jealous and turns things on me blaming me for being jealous, I have to admit to some extent I am a little but can control it. I see her every day flirting and giggling on with male colleagues and then when she can be bothered to text me I get the depressed person,with all doom and gloom. Well February I couldn't take anymore and decided to end our sham of a relationshipbut ffound myself missing her. I gave to admit the good times we had were brilliant but the dad times far out weighed them. I suggested we go to see someone together but it was me who needed to see someone not her... When I finished our relationship we didn't get in touch personally for a few weeks and then one-day we were talking in her office and I told her that she needed help and the relationship wasn't for me anymore, a few days later she invited me to her house where we had a good chat and she admitted she didn't treat me so well etc etc, and decided we give it another go . Up until today has been so so. This week she has started to revert back to type, ignoring Ne in work in the evenings and only sending an odd text if she can be arsed. Do I text het tonight and told her she's reverting back etc etc, now I'm getting the silent treatment and it's all in my head bla,bla,bla, I know her job is extremely stressful but this no way to treat a human being surely? Let alone someone you are supposed to care for. I'm hurting and know I should just man up abd tell her to do one, but I love her to bits, I'm at a low in my life and at a loss as to what to do, I can't turn to my family for support as they won't understand this relationship I'm in and why I care and love my partner. Please could someone shed dome light on this.
Many thanks in advance.
4 Responses
6726276 tn?1421130268
Relationships are tough. It's even harder for you both as the work together scene complicates things.
  Flirting can be an attempt to get attention & trigger some feel good chemicals in the brain. When depressed, it feels so bad.  It's easy to get caught up in the cheap thrill.
  Knowing this bothers you & having her do it anyway, could make you feel that she's plain immature.  You and she can't flirt right, because of the secret, right?
  Or because the other men are forbidden she may get a charge out of it.
  I doubt she wants to lose you.  But, in order to keep you, she will need to be told that a certain respect is required.
    She will respect your wishes. But make your most important ones known.
  Tell her. I want one text per day from you. ( for example).
   Or, be civil & polite to me.  Tell her about your biggest deal breakers.
   If she isn't making you feel loved, be specific. Maybe she'll tell you it's because she's not really in to you.  Then you can move on.
  But if she feels you really care, and love her & she wants you, she'll listen.
  Let us know. Pamela
539549 tn?1315985262
sometimes women can only perceive hoe they feel and feel the guy should feel exactly the same as other times people feel they can not relate to someone who shares the same commonalities. In my opinion competing in anything in a relationship with your companion partner is never really good then again I know some couples who  kind of get off on the whole deal it really depends. Sometimes there is that little boundary you just don't cross and believe me it can be there for men or for women but usually for every person its different and when they feel violated sometimes others want to drag people down with them for the sake of someone to empathies with or understand their pain to an extent its normal but arguing in circles is never a solid solution for anything. Most couples who deal with this issue in longer term solid relationships have to set aside the argument and say that their feelings towards one another mean more than some silly fight. Then they find something new to work on togeather or simply vew it as a phase in their relationship and get involed in something new where they can work on bettering themselves their self esteem and or working on something new with their partner. Oh if she did say she did not treat you well chances are she ment it though best of luck, Alex
Avatar universal
Thanks for your comments, she has said to me before that she can't do relationships and that's why she's do distant, etc,etc it was hard to put my all into this and thought I was getting somewhere with her , I'm under no illusions that this will keep happening until she seeks help , I've asked her many many times to seek advice and the reply is that she's worried that it'll be in her medical records, she can't handle the stress at work. And treating me the way she has/is mentally draining for me, I've decided to find another job as this may help myself/us , if I can't see what she's doing then it can't hurt me I hope. If I talk and have a laugh in work with my colleagues ( female ) then I'm accused of flirting . Which isn't the case at all. I've read up on depression and it's terrifying and pretty upsetting to find myself In a relationship like this. When she's good you couldn't wish for a better person to be around but when she's bad, she's like the Tasmanian devil.I think I need to get away from the whole situation
Avatar universal
Hi Alex_X_18, Thanks for your reply, we have discussed at length the way our relationship is in work and outside of work, she has admitted to me that she flirts and I guess that's her character, we all flirt at times I suppose but that's not the issue for me, it's when I see her at work with such a big smile on her face interacting and having a great time, then when she's home I seem to get the bad side ( the real person , the depressed person) and I start asking myself why can't she be like she is at work with me.. I've treated her with the utmost love ,loyality and respect, doing things I've never dreamed of doing before to make it work ands shown her love or tried to to but to no avail.it's bloody hard going and draining. I feel if I get another job and detatch myself from this environment maybe it'll make of break us as a couple, she does say she wants to be with me and I need to let her love again. But it's a constant struggle when it only feels I'm putting into this relationship.
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