Depression Community
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Avatar universal

loving depression

Hi, im 21 and i feel like nothing. i feel so bad is that i don't even think I want to be helped. I've been depressed for 10 years and i have been on several medications. Although, they elevated my mood, I never felt they addressed the real issue, that being a low self-esteem. I felt they allowed me to remain protected from life. I attended Cognitive behavioural sessions but my negative thinking is so powerful is that I could not be open to that and refused to believe it would be of use to me. To get to the point, I came off medication a few month's ago. I experienced 3 weeks of 'genuine' happiness. I loved this feeling so much. I then started to crumble under life's challenges. I feel angry at myself. I think I'm psychically and psychologically addicted to medication and can't bear to face life without it.Currently, I don't have any friends, no job. i don't even leave my house. The guilt of not being able to succeed (have a job, friends, have interests) is getting me down. I lie in bed all day and sleep. When I wake up I want to die. I have been to the doctor. I dont want to take medication because I have lost faith in medication as I don't want to have an artifical exsistence. I have had a sample (3 weeks) of true happiness that I never felt in years and I don't want to throw away any chance of that coming back to me again. I feel like a burden on my parents now. I have nothing that pleases me..except food. I don't get comfort from people trying to help me. I feel cold. I'm emotionally craving for food all the time to distract me from these painful feelings. I get pleasure out of thinking about my death and any physical pain that I inflict on myself seems to subside the internal pain in my mind. I am also quite religious and I feel like I can't morally kill myself. I seem to have lost hope in everything and don't know what to do.
13 Responses
342793 tn?1196403864

Avatar universal
Excuse me for not being clear about the situation. (I'm very confused all the time and having difficulty expressing myself). I am female. I've felt depressed for about 10 years. At 10 years of age I knew I wasn't content but was not aware of what I was feeling myself or never felt it was ok to show anyone that I wasn't happy. I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and was put on anti-depressants age 13. From 13-20, I've been on a 'cocktail' of medications. I came off medication three month's ago as I felt life was going reasonably well. Then, for once, I felt life...really felt it. Was in good form for about 3 weeks. Then I hit a new all time low. I reallly believe that the result of several medications has left my brain messed up as I now can't even remember things or think about the basic tasks I need to carry out during the day. very poor cognitive and social, communication skills etc. Now I feel like I've tried everything and feel like I have no energy to try again..
212753 tn?1275076711
the meds didnt mess up your brrain. Its just that the meds left and your brain has gone back to the depression.It takes about 3 weeks to get them out of your system. Have you been in therapy as well as meds? It takes both to defeat depression.Clinical is like diabetes .you have to stay onyour meds and not quit them when you feel better., the is a med for you and combined with therapy it can work wonders for you.  Dont give up .Go see your doc and tell all you have told here, Then get a therapist.Min e workd with my doc and it works. you are in my prayers.
Love Venora
Avatar universal
Your story sounds familiar.  Did you know that depression and anxiety have a huge impact on short term memory, processing and attention.  I actually thought I had a frontal lobe defecit because I knew my functioning was below my peers.  Ever since I could remember I was considered forgetful and flighty.  Now that my depression and anxiety (severe depression usually causes some level of anxiety) are treated with meds and therapy my functioning is much higher.  I have completely turned around my work situation and am turning around my social situations as well.   Notice your function went down after you went off your meds.  My doctor says the goal of depression treatment is complete remission.  e.g. I still take meds but no longer consider depression and significant influence in my day to day life.  I don't "wait for the other shoe to drop."  I'm almost there.  Please don't give up.  You are worth it.
Avatar universal
just replying yo your question, "Have you been in therapy aswell as meds?". When I was on meds I tried therapy and I didn't benefit from it at all. I now know that I guess I went in with the following  attitude, "This won't work for me" and felt tense throughout the sessions..could never relax in them..always worrying about going out in the world after being closed in the room with the therapist. I have such bad negative thinking is that it's automatic..as soon as they would say something to help, I'd manipulate. For as long as I can remember, I always was critisised by my Dad and never felt good enough. I think this is where it started. It has just got to a point where I'm convinced that breathing is the only thing I can do without doing it wrong. I am currently eating lots and lots..I look at people my own age walking along with friends and I am reminded of my struggle with life and it just doesn't seem worth it. I know this is negative talking at work again but I know no other life apart from feeling inferior...oh god..
Avatar universal
your right i guess...even when you say your situation sounds familiar, I still feel that mine is worse. at the moment, I'm at a stage where I don't recognise my own needs..I eat and dont get full, I dont feel thirsty or I dont even take care of my personal hygiene..i just feel like wasting away...i dont believe I can be successful at life..I cant imagine it..it wouldn't be me..im too old to learn a new way of life..oh i dunno anymore..thanks for replying..there really is a few diamonds left among the coal..
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