ready to give up

[louise65]

some days its all too much, i want to just give up and give in to the darkness. there is too much going wrong in my life, i cant keep going. so i end up taking more than my prescribed dose of meds just to get me through, although sometimes im scared i will accidently overdose, maybe that would be ok anyway. depression for me is such a physical thing as well as mental, i quess i have to ride it out and hope tomorrow is a better day.how can i make this end?

[lonewolf07]

Idesofmarch - Thank you for the Cymbalta information  = )

Louise - You really aren't alone.  For every one like you or the others on this Forum who admit they are depressed and suicidal there must be at least ten who won't admit it.  Some folks see depression and suicide as being linked but they aren't always - not every depressed person commits suicide and not every suicide is committed by someone who is depressed (eg:  kamakazi pilots in WWII).  That's over simplified but the best I can do here.

For me, depression and its sibling, anxiety, are something I can only deal with from one minute to the next when it's really bad.  You said weekends are worst for you.  Is there some reason for that?  I know I find Sundays difficult.

Hugs to you ....

wolf

[AntiSSRI]

Hi, Teddy Girl!

Panic attacks are incredibly frightening.  I know!  I have had them in the past.  I experience anxiety on a daily basis.  I have utilized anti-depressants and anti-anxiety agents to control (or stave off) panic and intense anxiety.

The basis to anxiety is inner-conflict.  Once one can identify the conflict, square off with it, grieve it, cry out the pain, resolution comes about and the panic can absolutely go away.  

I know that anti-anxiety agents can control the panic, but it is not the cure!  The cure is to face ones demons - those hideous fears that developed at some point in our lives.  We have to come to understand the fear and put it in context of TODAY, not yesterday.

I found a site that may be of help to you.  It is as follows:

http://www.panicend.com/index.html

There probably are many other sites that can explain how inner conflict and fear (usually stemming from one or more traumatic events) can bring on panic.

Know that there is hope!  I am learning to fight my demons.  I look at my life experiences, (the ones that caused me to begin to become an anxious person), and cast them against TODAY)!  It is not easy for me to know how to explain what I mean.  In other words, often our thoughts are in error.  What once was happening in our life is no longer present.  Often our perception is incorrect.  Once we examine the way in which we view a life experience and change our view about it, we definitely start feeling a major decrease in anxiety.

You will find a way out of this.  Please find all the information that you can, on the Internet, about Panic Disorder, Panic Attacks, Anxiety and read, read, read, read, read!  You will begin to understand, over time, what is the at the root of your panic.

May your panic diminish soon.  REMEMBER:  One CANNOT die from a Panic Attack!  REMEMBER:  The very worst that happens is crying and sobbing!  You let go to the attack and just cry!  After sobbing and even screaming, the panic goes away!  If you are willing to lose control, you will cry.  REMEMBER:  Losing control WILL NOT RESULT IN A "MENTAL BREAKDOWN"!  A "break-down" is simply sobbing and crying, sobbing and crying until you are so worn out that all you want to do is sleep.  In the process of crying, amazing insights come.  You start really processing what you are thinking and feeling!

TRUST ME:  Crying helps!

[idesofmarch]

Cymbalta is a medicine that works on depression and the physical pains that come with it.  Like headaches, stomach aches, tense muscles etc. Google it and it will tell you the full details. I take 60 mg 1 @ 2x a day now- but started with 30 mg a day and worked up to what I take now. I've taken it for atleast 3 years.

[louise65]

hi guys, its definitly a combination of factors i would have to agree. i tried prozac and it didnt work for me, it was mirtazapine that did the trick for me, it seems such an individual thing. my daughter has been started on prozac for an eating disorder, not seen much difference yet but its only been a few weeks and i know it takes time, so fingers crossed. i was also recently started on seroquel for anxiety and to help get me off valium but although it is working on settling the anxiety it wipes me out physically, hey some days thats a blessing but not so good when your trying to work! i have been feeling a little better, at least not so bleak with the suicidal feelings that brings with it, so thats good. but im pretty overwhelmed with life, have an awful lot going on and struggle with the silliest things, like the housework and opening and dealing with mail, such simple things to do but beyond me most days. its good to know im not alone with how i feel, sometimes when im really low i feel like im losing the plot, which is a bit scarey but it does pass so i hang onto that, i hope all of you are doing okay, for some reason i find the weekends the worse. take care everyone, love louise

[lonewolf07]

I agree with you. It's a combination of factors.

[remar]

i think it's chemical and enviromental. for alot of us with depression certain things can make it worse, stress, a bad day at work, what we eat, not enough exercise, all kinds off things. louise65 i hope your feeling better. remar

[lonewolf07]

Louise

Hope you are feeling some better

Prozacprincess - it's interesting to hear your Prozac experience too.  Maybe depression is more than a chemical imbalance in our brains.  Could it be societal?  Environmental?

[prozacprincess]

Sorry, forgot to post you a message in my above post.  I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better!!

Hugs
ProzacPrincess

[prozacprincess]

I took prozac for years.  It literally saved my life.  Then it's effectiveness started to wane.  Eventually it stopped helping me after years of being on it.  For all the bad rap prozac has had that medicine did really help me.  I find it interesting to talk with someone that had a similar experience of the effectiveness wearing off.  I thought it was just me!  

Hugs back...
ProzacPrincess

[lonewolf07]

Louise

Sometimes just knowing we are not alone is a big help in itself.

It was meds, talk therapy and group therapy that helped me (the meds were Prozac).  But there are always going to be setbacks and I can't talk for anyone else but I try to be aware of them and not get angry with myself for having setbacks.

I've never heard of Deep Brain Stimulation but I think I'll try to get some information about it; depending on how reliable information on the internet actually is.

To prozacprincess - it was Prozac back in the early 1990s that was the most effective drug for my depression.  Unfortunately, it became less effective the longer I took it.  Do you find this to be the case with you?

Hugs ....

wolf

[louise65]

thank you so much everyone, i reached out which was hard to do and you all responded and helped you dont know how much that means to me.my depression, it seems to hit from no where, i think thats what frightens me the most, i never know when its going to get really bad, and that always ends up with suicidal feelings which i have trouble not acting on, but hey im still here...just!!
at least i know im not alone, that helps it really does, thx again, love louise x

[prozacprincess]

The pdoc I'm seeing recommends meds, supplements, therapy, and exercise.  Unfortunately it won't cure the depression, but it is supposed to help.  Prayer is supposed to help also.  

Sadly there is no miracle cure for depression.  Wouldn't that be great?!!  

As for surviving, it is a daily battle.  Sometimes it is so bad that I'm literally curled up in a ball crying my eyes out.  The pain is both physical and mental.  It's easy to see how death seems like a way out.  But we have to hang on.  One day there has to be a solution.  Researchers are working on ways to help treat depression even as we speak.

I've had a couple people who are trying to "help" send me articles about DBS (Deep Brain Stimulation).  It is a pacemaker like apparatus that they implant in the brain.  Anyone else heard of it?  It is still in trial right now; however, it is generating some hope and hope is something in short commodity.  

I know I didn't answer your questions but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.  I'm reaching out and maybe together we can all make it through.  That is what is great about this forum.  We can all support each other through some of the darkest hours.  I've just gone through some pretty bleak moments and have survived.  It doesn't seem like it at the moment (believe me I know), but we can all survive.  We need to help each other, follow our treatment plans, and keep on fighting to survive.  (For what it's worth...)

[triedeverymed]

You are right not to want Trazadone, it made me a zombie. I would see a psychiatrist because a mood stabelizer or antidepressant might be a better choice for you. You are right, the attacks do get worse if you don't get help. I took Prozac for panic attacks and it worked but now I have all the other symptoms you mention so I'm on Abilify which is a mood stabelizer.
See the pdoc, not the family doc, they aren't much help with these issues.
Good Luck!!

[Teddygirl]

Sometime's I feel the same way you do, and inside I feel the world doesn't understand how badly i'm hurting inside...the truth is, there are other's that feel what I feel, you feel what I feel and I feel what you feel...the depression, the anxiety and stress of everyday life is enough to destroy anything you once took pleasure in doing.

Please don't give up on yourself, I understand what you feel. I've done such mean things and I don't know why, it was intentional that I went out in the road while a truck was coming, my boyfriend pulled me back and grabbed my arm and I kept struggling to get away saying quite unpleasant things.

HELP - is such a very simple word, yet it feels impossible to find, i've been tried to see dr. lehrman, dr. merrill hubbard, dr. gutierrez, dr. simmons, RN jackie pitt, dr. wellhausen, dr. rashibi and I feel like i've gotten no where....it doesn't mean quit, it means try harder even if you feel like you can't do it anymore.

Sometimes i feel like it doesn't matter if i die, at least i'll be in peace, but i'll leave the one's i love in turmoil and sadness, i don't want to put them through the pain i suffer emotionally.

I hope this consoles you...i'm here, we're all here, i don't know you personally but i do care - and i'm sorry you're going through this.

my best wishes. hang in there.

[Teddygirl]

I have been dilligently trying to get help. I feel there is something terribly wrong with me and I don't know where to begin. I called my health net insurance company and they put me through to CHIPA. A clinician I spoke to referred me to a psychiatrist who told me that I have a hormonal imbalance - however he did not care to ask me of any panic attack incidences.

I don't know where to go or what to do, but my off and on mood swings, depression, anger and aggression is tearing me apart, and its affecting the ones i love, my boyfriend and my job. I was sexually abused as a child and for many years i held in all my pain and aggravations and I thought just maybe my emotions were pouring out after many years of supression?

I have been having panic attacks, during these attacks i can't breathe and i feel weak, and i don't even know whats going on, its like i'm not completely there in my head. I had a panic attack after going to a friends get together, I'm not going to lie but i consumed alcohol - i'm 22 its "legal". I got mad at my boyfriend because he told me "babe you're drunk cool it" i was angry because i felt he was trying to put me in my place in front of a bunch of people. I stormed off, things got worse, then i started yelling at him telling him that he is just like every other man in my life, he only wants to take advantage of me and f*** up my life. He yelled at me and told me at least i'm not like your dad who touched you since you were 9 and did **** to you. From there i snapped and smacked him in the face then he smacked me back. That night i almost walked in front of a truck, i was having hyperventilating attacks and fell on the ground, from there i felt like i lost track of time or there was some sort of gap because i don't even remember how i got surrounded by 5 cops, a fire truck and paramedic.

I'm worried the panic attacks are getting more and more frequent. I'm having crying spells, emotional moody problems, sadness, and Insomnia, and its affecting my relationship with my boyfriend, my job and my life.

My primary care physician wants to put me on Trazodone but i'm scared that it will make me worse, and i'm afraid it is going to affect my work performance when i'm on the job.

Somebody please help, I don't know what to do.

[lonewolf07]

Hi Louise

I'm glad you are feeling some better.

Your fears are valid and real.  I know I feel the same way a lot of the time.

Liked idesofmarch's response.   It sounds like something that is "do-able"  = )

What is Cymbalta?  I've seen it written in different posts but don't know what it is.

[idesofmarch]

Hi Louise, I too suffer (am a surviver of depression) and have been on and off all my life.  I've had help with Paxil and a few other anti depressants.  I now take Cymbalta for depression and the physical pain that goes with it.  It really helps me.  I just started Ambilify also as a helper to Cymbalta because I have Chronic pain and stress issues and sleep apnea and insomnia 25% of the time.  I stll survive (or better) and you can too.  Don't give up, it may take 6 weeks on each new drug to know the true effects, then you may have to add to it or change the dose or try a new med.  Once you start to feel better, you will forget how bad the bad days were.  One thing that I do is pretend to be happy until my feelings follow.  Add some music or art or journaling to each day. If you write down how bad you feel then put it away and DON"T TAKE IT BACK.  Prayer is another life saver.  Don't withdrawl either, find a true friend to call you everyday and do not ignore the phone when it rings (unless it is a bill collector or something too depressing ) Take short walks in the sunshine- 10 minutes 2 x a day if you can.  Just do it. Do something creative like art & crafts, gardening or dancing.  Keep it light in your home or work. Wear cheerful colors, look at a picture or painting that gives you happy feelings.  You will get better and for any 1 negative thing that say or think, replace it with atleast 3 positive things immediately.  ONE DAY AT A TIME OR ONE HOUR AT A TIME YOU CAN LIVE HAPPY.   Best Wishes, Sharon

[louise65]

just wanted to thank everyone for their support, today is a little better, and that enough for me at the moment. its hard when you dont know when its going to hit. alot of my anxiety surrounding it comes from my hospital admission, were i was so badly depressed i could do nothing, although this is now years ago, the fear of it returning at that level remains very real. thx again x

[middy10]

thinking of you, Louise, and hoping you know that people need you so please keep walking right through the middle of this and hang in there.  I'm glad you're with us.  I need your input.  yes, hugs to you!

[lonewolf07]

Louise

Being depressed and even suicidal has been part of my existence ever since I can remember.  For me it took a rather ghastly suicide attempt to make me really wonder if it was worth the effort of struggling on.  I have been hanging on by my fingernails ever since.

As trivial as it sounds, I could only do it from one hour to the next; sometimes one minute to the next.  Eventually, I "emerged" but many, many times I had setbacks.

If depression was just a chemical imbalance in your brain, we'd all be on meds and not here at the Depression Forum.

You have a right to your feelings and I do hope that you won't OD again - by accident or intent.

Hugs to you ....

[louise65]

downey, thx it helps to know im not alone in the way i feel sometimes.

abh, i cant believe that you think its just that easy, you cant have suffered real depression, the kind that leaves you in hospital after an overdose being completely unable to care for yourself in the most basic of ways. to say to just think positive in that situation is clearly simplistic. when i was so sick with depression i was started on meds and i credit them with saving my life.

[abhijeet7k]

can you plz be positive and damn care about whatever going on around you  and think that its nothing but some chemical imbalance in you brain. ( worked for me )

[Downey]

Louise, I often feel the same way you do. You just have to try to keep moving forward.

[louise65]

i really need someone right now, please. sorry to be so demanding