stressed, sad, mad

[jungle1]

I am in a bad relationship. I have been married for 15 years, and these years have been hell. We have two kids, and if we were to split up it would destroy them so, I stay and will stay until the kids have gone off to university etc. My husband has done a number of really really hurtful things and I am having a problem letting go of these things. I am very resentful and it shows in how I communicate with him. My doctor has given me a mild anti-depressant that seems to have calmed this, however, inside I can't forgive him for the things he has done, and I can't forget. He commented to me yesturday "whatever that doctor of yours gave you - isn't working". Like it is my fault that I am so hurt -- his actions have made me what I am.  What can I do? how can I get through the next four years? How do I get rid of this resentful feeling? PS - he hasn't been sexually physical with me in four years - he sleeps down stairs.

[Melissa70817]

Jungle

I think if you stand on the outside looking in and read your last post you might see what you are looking for.  A man DOES NOT go without sex, he is getting it somewhere.  Probably from Lindsey.  What man in his right mind would tell his wife all of those things PLUS tell her that another woman is the only person who he is close enough with to share his feelings???  He has grown use to you taking his bull you know what.  As long as you take it, he is going to keep treating you this way.  This is not a man who loves you and wants to be with you, this is a man waiting on the children to grow up and get out of the house so he can leave without having to pay child support. He is smart, I have to give him that but what person, caring person, would feel good about themselves with the way he is treating you.  Sorry to be so blunt but this is what I see.  I have been with a man like that and guess what, after I left everyone stepped forward and let me know he had cheated on me the whole time we were together, he also gave me an STD.  Boot him to the curb and LIVE and BE HAPPY for a change.  You will look back one day and say, why in the world did I waste so much of my life being miserable with that man.  
I know it is hard to come to that point in your life, it was hard for me but I knew there was more to life.  Like I said, my kids were not happy about the move at first but later on they realized how we lived and how I was hurt, they had less stress and no drama!!!  

[jungle1]

Wow, I didn't expect to hear from so many people - THANK YOU. It is comforting to know I am not the only one. I will check that website out that you suggested brite_sun, I need all the help I can get.

BACKGROUND  TO MY SITUATION
My husband cheated once when we first got married and gave me an std. I would never have found out if not for the std. He may have cheated more,but I have no way to prove it.  He is hurtful with the things he says and does, or doesn't do. He has said things like "your not smart enough to help our kids with their homework" or " I don't like going out with you because you ruin everyones fun" or " i can be myself around you" or "you are the last person on my priority list". If I have a problem and want to discuss it with him, he ALWAYS takes the other persons views and tells me I am wrong. When I arrange for us to go out with friends, we always take separate cars and 9 times out of 10 he stands me up. He has a friend named Lindsay - he says she is the only person in the world that he can be himself in front of -- she is the only person that knows the real him. He swears they are not involved, she has split from her husband and has a boyfriend. THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND ON. He says he wants to grow old with me and can't imagine himself with anyone else however, he won't sleep with me until we get help. I talk with a doctor every now and then, but he says he doesn't have time to get help. ---- remember, I am the last person on his list.

Thanks everyone again - I will keep in touch
Jungle1

[bright_sun]

I noticed that the address of page where they talk about the book was not displayed completely... you find the review page of the book also from the main page (www.searchforbalance.org), there is a link to book page.

I think you will find comfort, good advices and encouragement from that website, I did when I had pretty difficult time... Now I feel sun is slowly starting to shine again in my life! :)

Hugs and smile!

[bright_sun]

Dear jungle1, I have been in a bit similar situation. My husband left me for another woman, but after a while he returned back and wanted to continue our marriage. I was at first happy that he returned, but then memories of his betrayal started to really bother me. I felt anger towards him and did not know what to do about my feelings. I wanted to try to continue our marriage, because I felt I still loved him despite what happened. But I could not forget what he did. I was extremely stressed and depressed. My work was going poorly. Everything was grey, I felt I was going nuts...

Then I found one website where they are discussing how to deal with anger, frustration and insecurity in a relationship or after breakup. I found that site to be very helpful, I have always been a bit insecure in my relationship (even before cheating took place) and was glad to learn new ways of controlling my feelings if I get "insecurity attacks". I read a very good book about how one can learn to control negative emotions, after reading that it has been easier for me to deal with my mixed emotions regarding my husband. I warmly recommend reading same book, its not too long (30-40 pages) and pretty much to the point, as if written to me. You find more information about it (name was "Control your emotions" if I remember correctly) from the website I mentioned. This is the address:

http://www.searchforbalance.org/

this is the book I was talking about (its one of those ebooks, I was able to download it in just couple seconds). I found last section of the book (chapter "Survival package after cheating", its not listed in table of contents but it is in the end of book) to be very helpful!:

http://www.searchforbalance.org/Site/ebook%20of%20Controlling%20your%20emotions%20review%20page.html

Read also this, it was pretty good reply to one woman in similar situation. I felt better about my situation after reading this answer to her:

http://www.searchforbalance.org/Site/Cheating%20husband%20%28story%201%29.html

Good luck whatever you decide to do!!

[triedeverymed]

I know what you're saying!! To do what's best for your kids is to do what's best for you, many therapists told me that. I did get divorced to help me improve my situation so everyone wasn't walking on egshells at home. Kids do adapt to these situations, the tension probably isn't helping them so I would reconsider what YOU need and proceed in that direction, then you can be the best Mom that you can be (not saying you aren't already) it's just that all that hurt can sidetrack you from being who you really are. I wouldn't wait to leave, although I did for 10 years then it was time. I was falling apart and that wasn't good for my son.
Good luck to you!!

[X_lost_girl_X]

i dont know if this would help but im going to say it anyway
my mum had the same problem it hurt that the fact my dad was leaving
but it hurt much more to see my mum crying upset and to suffer with BDP because of him
i was more angry at my dad and wished they could get back together but when i thought realy hard about it i thought do you realy want to keep on listening to the arguments and my mum and dad tried to keep together thing is i couldent eaven look at my dad for hurting my mum like that but at the end of the day i loved them both
i am not saying you should split up i might sugest you try talk to your kisa about what is going on because it hurts to find out when your parents are arguing and they just blurt it out

[Melissa70817]

I'm assuming that "what he's done to you" is being unfaithful.  I would rather tall you my story instead of giving you advice.

I was with someone who messed around on me constantly.  My oldest son could see how miserable I was which, in turn, made him miserable.  There were other things in our relationship that made my son miserable also but after 6 years of living in that hell I left, and took the kids with me.  Believe me, it has been a constant struggle financially BUT I have my peace of mind.  Maybe a year later after we moved here, my son came to me and said you know mom, I don't know how we lived that way and I could never go back to living like we did.  It just goes to show, I was not the only one miserable at the time, my kids were also.  
I never got rid of being resentful and I never forgot.  I don't think I ever will.  Each time I looked at him he disgusted me for what he did.  Not only was I cheated on BUT I was made to feel guilty for it.  Paaallllleeeezzzzeee!!!!!!!!  No man will ever tell me what I'm going to do or ever treat me bad again.  I have another moron in my life but he is not verbally abusive at all and he knows that I will knock him up side his head in a heartbeat.