upset over daughters breakup

[jen003]

Hi, my daughter is 14 years old and her ex-boyfriend is 15. They meet at school and spent alot of time together for 6 weeks. He would come around alot and she met his whole family and they also went to a homecoming dance together. She liked him alot and always wanted to spent time with him, in which she has never done with another boy. They would text and talk everyday and even shared a locker at school so they could see each other more. They started to argue over little things and they broke up. She was hurt in the begining, but I think she is confused and mad now, because everyone is asking her why they broke up (including myself). I know it was a short time, but in that short time I become attached, he is a nice young man and I could see them together for a long time. I just feel they should be together (I just feel it in my heart, is this normal). They looked so happy together and now that they aren't I have shed many tears over this and I don't know why (I just wish they were together). She doesn't want another boyfriend for awhile and she said maybe they will get back together down the road, but who knows. He cared for her so much I feel she is giving up on somebody that she should be with, and ending up with someone else that doesn't care as much. Please give me some advice, I don't know why I'm hurting so much over this. She is tired of talking about it and that's the only way I feel better, so I understand what's going on.

[shadowmed]

I am sorry to hear of the break up.   It must be very sad to see two young people who seemed happy together going through this change. I have seen this myself with my own daughter but I realised they were both young and that, frankly, my daughter was very difficult. It did not surprise me that the relationship did not last at that stage.

To be honest, it sounds like you are much more upset than your daughter. You know that your daughter is the one who was in the relationship so her feelings about it must be what guides her or she will be going against her instincts.

Sadly, we can’t make things better for our children when relationships break up, except to be there for them. You can support your daughter without pushing your views on her. It will only confuse her all the more at such an emotional and confusing time if she is not allowed to follow her own instincts. It will help her more if you can be a neutral voice in all this but showing her you love her and that her feelings matter. If you can’t, you will only add to the stress of this and she will stop talking to you.

Bear in mind that you are the one hurting and upset while your daughter seems less so. Is there not something wrong with this picture? You are not in the relationship except as a third party.

It may be that your instinct that they are meant to be together is true, but that may happen a long way down the road and is something your daughter and ex will need to figure out for themselves. The sad fact is, it is her relationship not yours and she can throw it away if she wishes. If you try to persuade her to do what you think is right, you may end up alienating her for good.

[alwayssleepless]

PLEASE stay out of this. Support her if she wants and needs it, but this is about HER. Not you. Please don’t get that personally involved with her boyfriends. It is her life, not our life.

My mother got over-involved in my breakup and our relationship never recovered from it. She was convinced I had made the worst mistake of my life.

Please keep your feelings to yourself. Remind yourself that this is about her, not you.

Would you have been happy if YOUR mother got that involved with your boyfriends? I’m betting you wouldn’t.

[specialmom]

Agree. This is an old post but for anyone reading, good advice.  Welcome to the forum, alwayssleepless.

[alwayssleepless]

Old post but my mom is STILL driving me crazy over this. SHE loved the guy. I didn’t, and she couldn’t or rather wouldn’t accept this. Sure I didn’t know what was good for me, she kept bringing him around. “You’re making the worst mistake of your liiiiife!!!”

I walked into my surprise birthday party to find him there with my friends, wearing that puppy-dog hopeful look. He showed up at family events. Neither of them could get the fact that I. WAS!!!! NOT!!!! INTERESTED!!!!! In fact the fact that I admitted he was a nice guy and could’t come up with a better reason than i just was not interested and didn’t have a better reason than I don’t want to egged them on.

We knew each other all our lives. Our families liked each other. But I had to be the evil horrible selfish witch who wanted to get out of our boring hick town, go to college fot an education his wife didn’t need since she wouldn’t have to work, have a career his wife wouldn’t need, didn’t want to be a stay at home wife, wasn’t interested in having kids immediately, wanted to experience life on my own instead of getting martied right after high school, and didn’t want to marry a guy who was perfectly nice except he bored my butt off and always had.

I dated him exactly twice after telling him plainly that I just wanted to be friends. He thought he could change my mind.

My relationship is damaged with my mother to this day. She would not stop. I made her promise not to invite him for Christmas or I woukdn’t come. He “just happened” to be at Christmas Eve services at church. And Easter. She kept trying to “help” me out with “a little push.”

I am now in my thirties, going through a breakup with somebody I did care about but who never quite made her as happy as Josh..... She still won’t SHUT THE HELL UP. “It wouldn’t hurt just to talk to him...” NO NO NO NO NO!!!

She is the only one with regrets. I am happy in New York, with my career, my immersion inculture over diapers and play dates.

PLEASE, STAY OUT OF YOUR KIDS LOVE LIFE. Even and especially if you know what’s best for them, hate to see them pass up this perfect match, your heart is breaking...

YOU date him.

[specialmom]

Wow, she's relentless!  That can't be normal.  Not to mention you have expressed your wishes and she has no respect for that.  It's very odd.  I must say.  Is he not yet moved on either like your mom?  Certainly he needs to find his partner too and be happy and hopefully your mom isn't always in HIS ear too!  She sounds obsessed and slightly unstable to be honest.  I'm so happy you are on with life and doing well. That's the important part.  That she caused a needless situation for you NOT to want to be around her sounds like she has no concept of what it really means to be family and a parent.  I'm sure sorry about that.  Stay focused on you.  You're doing great.

[specialmom]

And as I re read the original post, the daughter was 14 when this was written?  Seriously . . .  I'm the mom of teenagers.  I can not being that involved, supportive or happy about a teenage romance.  

[Rebecca_Galloway]

I wish I had an answer as I am experiencing a lot of the same emotions. My daughter met her boyfriend at 14 and it lasted almost a year. I felt they were a perfect match. He’s a great kid. Although their breakup seems to be mutual. I still don’t understand why. I think maybe that’s what bothers me. Not knowing. They attend same school and basically have the same circle of friends. She will only say I don’t want to talk about it. Yet, I feel as if she’s being very mature about the whole situation. Yet, I too ask is my heartache for her normal.

[Paxiled]

I got chewed on for this the last time I tried, but here I go again into the frying pan.  First, 14 is hardly an age that anyone would expect a relationship to last very long.  That's really young, and it's impossible to know what a 14 year old is going to be like as an adult.  That age is also one where people meet other people so often there's a whole lotta cheatin' goin' on, to quote a song.  Who knows what we want at that age?  Just remember how different it was to be 16 than it was to be  14, and how different in was to be 18 than it was to be 16, and so on.  So that's one thing you should be aware of more than your daughter is.  And again, it's not your life, it's hers.  She's the one who enjoyed and who suffered the breakup, not you.  The only important thing for you is that your daughter is able to move on and not become emotionally devastated by a break-up, as that is often a trigger for mental illness.  I would share your concern that she won't talk about it to you, most of us can't stop talking about break-ups until we meet someone else, but maybe she instigated the break-up.  Maybe she met someone else.  As long as she seems to be doing okay, again, this relations was very unlikely to be permanent anyway, and even if she was older, for you to suffer doesn't help her not suffer.  For you to be empathetic does, but it appears she either has friends to deal with it which isn't a bad thing or it wasn't a big deal, which also isn't a bad thing.  If, on the other hand, since the break-up she is acting sad for a long time or her grades suffer or she starts acting out in harmful ways all of a sudden, it's time for concern, but not for substituting your suffering for hers.  Now, I expect to get yelled at again, but what we all want is someone who can help us, not someone who suffers with us.  Peace.  

[gabby1972]

Nope. Still feeling very upset about this.
My daughter refuses to talk to me about him now because i think it pains her too much. She is still very much in love with him. But I am not sure what is happening with them at this point. I don't know if they are still communicating as much as they were, i suspect they are not because my daughter seems miserable. They used to still talk every day, or send each other messages, but i think that is happening less often now and it is breaking my daughter's heart. She was crying over him last night.
He is such a nice guy and i know he wouldn't deliberately want to hurt her, but I think he is drifting away from her. And I feel just as heartbroken as she does. I hate seeing her so miserable. It's been months now and we're still going through this. She is not like other girls her age who seem to move on from boy to boy. For her, it's just this one boy whom she adores. I keep hoping that they will one day find a way back to each other. But at the same time I keep telling myself I must be going mad as they are so young. I realise I'm bored with my own life and am living vicariously through my daughter. But a part of me really feels deep down that these 2 are just meant for each other. I don't know what it is, but i can't shake the feeling.
I just wish I could get over it and stop obsessing about it because it's really starting to affect me in a very negative way. Will i ever get over this and move on ??

[AnxiousNoMore]

It is their love lives, so you can't control them. They are just kids too, so it is not as if there is a child for this broken couple to raise.

[kmckay13]

I know this is well over a year since you made this post. Please tell me things have gotten better???? My daughter is 16 and her boyfriend of 18 months ended it. We still don't know what the cause was but he was so good to her. I truly felt they were meant to be. She tries to be strong for me but it's killing us both inside. It's only been 4 days since the break up!

[gabby1972]

I assume you are in a similar situation Disne? I am still so heartbroken over their breakup. They are still friends and have daily contact, but seem to be fading. I know she still loves him.
I just wish i could stop obsession about them getting back together. I feel like i'm losing the plot! They are only 15 for goodness sake. But i just don't know how to stop feeling this way. I feel like no other boy will compare to him. He was perfect for her :(

[Jcchat]

Please tell me it gets better. My daughter and her boyfriend, both are 14, broke up after more than a year of dating. He and his family instantly became a part of our family, holidays, vacations, football Sundays, etc. She broke up with him and seems fine, she wants more time with her friends. They are still friends and contact each other almost everyday but it has only been a week since the break up. Every time I talk about it my daughter gets angry. She is well aware that my husband and I loved him like a son. Even though I completely understand that she wants to just be friends and agree with her reasoning since they are only 14, I am completely devastated! I cried for 2 days. In my heart I feel that they belong together. In my head I know that if they are meant to be together they will get back together and that I am completely crazy since they are only 14 but as much as I try not to I get so upset.

[miainmiami]

I am 59 and I remember how hurt I was at the age of 15 when my boyfriend broke up with me. Since then I have married and divorced more times than I like to say and I have had lived with a few guys. But for the last 13 years I have been with the same man who treats me well. We have been thru much together, So this is just the start. You were just happy to see her life progress just like a normal girl at her age and there will probably be other breakups and it is a good thing because you don't want her to pick the first guy that comes along. She needs to find the things she likes or doesn't like in a man. Who knows they could get back together. You should not get upset because it may send your daughter a mixed up message like you maybe disappointed in her break up. We all want our kids to be happy and when something happens that upsets them it's a bitc#. Mia in Miami

[gabby1972]

Hello, I know this is a very old post but I was wondering how things are going with you. Did you ever overcome this sadness? The reason i'm asking is because I am currently experiencing the exact same situation. My daughter's and her boyfriend broke up recently (said he wasn't sure he was ready for a commitment) but I know they still have feelings for each other. My daughter is devastated.. but I think I am more so than her! I also feel she is giving up on something that could've been a very special long term relationship, as he has admitted he still loves her but is scared to get too serious (he comes from a broken marriage, and then his father recently split up from another long term relationship). I cannot get my mind of these two and I keep hoping they'll get back together. I am very fond of this boy and know he is perfect for my daughter. But my fear is that they are growing apart and will never reconcile, and the thought of that is literally crippling me. I cannot sleep, eat or function normally. I am so depressed over this and I know it's ludicrous! How did you overcome this pain?

[Disne]

That is my question too. How do you overcome the pain and heal from this? Also how do you not let this happen again to you?

[DBJD]

I feel the same way and I feel like the pain just won't go away. Are you feeling any better ?

[Momofmel3]

Gabby, I know this is an old post but I can't find any current post on this topic and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't function normally, lost 15 pounds, and can't sleep. I am so depressed and I know in my rational mind that this is completely ludicrous but I can't shake the depression. I miss the way she was when she was with him and I can't deal with the fact that they've completely ignored each other after the break up. Except for a few kind words in shared activities, they avoid each other. Their lack of skill in communicating was the problem. One of her best friends had a crush on him and completely gaslit her and caused doubt and conflict. Her boyfriend didn't think it was a problem because the her friend wasn't a girl and he's straight. He's still friends with this jerk.  She's so messed up by her friend's betrayal, I put her in counseling. I feel so sad that they aren't together and now 5 months later, I still feel terrible. He just started dating another girl who has always disliked my daughter and also tried to interfere months back. I saw a photo of them on line and it made me sick to my stomach.  Will I ever feel better? She won't talk to him and tell him how she feels.

[specialmom]

It's probably really hard and you feel helpless.  My kids are so important to me. Their happiness means everything to me.  I think I can see how we get ideas in our head that we want to hang on to of what we think is best or would be best.  But in reality, life works out.  My heart break guys from years past are long gone and the man I'm married to IS the best person for me.  So, something wasn't quite right and everyone learns from each failing in life.  I'd encourage you to stay OFF social media and to even not tempt yourself by removing him from your list of friends and followers.  Then you aren't tempted to look. But it's okay to be sad for yourself and your daughter and wish it ended differently.  Sorry.

[Paxiled]

Also, you can't live your children's lives for them.  From what you describe, you're suffering more than your daughter is, at least how you describe it she is trying to move on and you're not.  I've been one of the most unlucky people with love in my life, but my parents never suffered for it.  Nobody else suffered for it.  Only I did.  It's something to consider why your concern isn't just to be there for your daughter if she needs you and why you're so concerned with this particular relationship.  I can see why she would be concerned about that.  I would ask myself, what's going on with me that I've put myself into the situation instead of being of support -- is something else going on in your life?

[specialmom]

I do think paxiled that when you have kids, you 'feel' their pain.  I certainly do.  Things happen to my sons and it happens to JUST them but I feel it deeply like it happened to me. It goes with parenthood.

[Paxiled]

Maybe for you, and maybe not for others.  Certainly didn't for my parents.  My generation, the baby boomers, lived pretty separate lives from our parents once we were old enough to go out and play on our own.  They didn't drive us everywhere and didn't ask a lot about our lives.  Again, times just change, I'm not saying it was better, I don't think anyone's got this child raising thing down yet.  I get that parents today are far more attached to the lives of their children than they were when I was a kid, things change.  I'm just saying, if you over-identify or are overly empathetic to the point where it becomes emotionally crippling it takes away from the ability to perform and to help.  Going overboard isn't a good survival mechanism.  Again, in our society today parents are way more invested in their children than at virtually any other time in history.  Who knows why?  Life goes in cycles.  There was a time when kids were just more labor.  There was time when kids were ignored completely, especially by the elite, and raised completely by nannies.  Now we're in a time where many parents are involved in every facet of their kids' lives.  Nobody has a guide for how to best raise kids.  But I think we can all agree that going so far as to live anyone else's life as well as your own to the extent the poster has described probably has its root in something other than the relationship with the child.  The poster posted here because she's not happy with how things are going, I'm just trying to help think it out.  But to say it goes with parenthood, again, no, it might go with your version of parenthood and maybe not your next-door neighbor's.  We're not all the same in this stuff.  Or any stuff.  We all are better at helping when we don't cripple ourselves.  I'm not being at all judgmental, just responding to the poster who came here for a reason.  Which isn't to say my advice is at all helpful, but I'm trying to help figure it out.  Peace, Mom.  

[specialmom]

I think some things are hard to understand unless you've lived the experience. And as a parent, I had no idea what that is like until I was one.  Certainly much different than being someone's child.  Yes, agree there are less in tune parents or parents that simply care less.  This mom is a mom like me and feels her children's pain.  I can relate.

[jodes1968]

I am so glad I read your post. My daughter and her boyfriend, both 16, broke up a week ago after 18 months together. They adored each other but my daughter felt as if her boyfriend was smothering her by being over protective. She does not want to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment and wants to do more of the girly hangout thing. I totally understand this at her age and she has not been able to do much of this during their relationship. The thing is, I just cant believe how upset this has made me. I too have questioned whether what i am feeling is normal. I grew to love my daughters boyfriend like he was my own son and he is a wonderful caring young man. I actually feel like there is a bit of a hole at the moment because he was such a part of our family. He is heartbroken. My daughter has handled it well but I really dont think it has hit her yet. She has surrounded herself with girlfriends but underneath i think this is just a distraction to avoid thinking about the hurt she is feeling. I have been teary and my heart aches when I think of how much they are hurting. I have been supportive to both of them and will be here for both of them. I seriously feel like I have lost one of my own children and i cant understand why. They are both still so young and I keep telling myself that breaking up is a normal part of the teenage years. What on earth is wrong with me?

[j17c27]

She really liked him from the start..he was polite, really sweet, and she could tell he would do anything for me.  So basically she became attatched from the start.  She is very upset about the breakup, but mostly for me becuase she knows that i am very hurt.  She would love if we got back together becuase she knows that it would make me very happy...but she has told me she is mad at him but thats just her normal "motherly response to someone who breaks her daughters heart" ha thats what she says.  So she is upset, but mostly becuase I am upset.  Once your daughter clears her mind it will be a lot easier to put things in perspecitive and can probably answer your questions a lot easier

[jen003]

Thank you for responding, I was just wondering did your mom get attached to your boyfriend and was she upset over your breakup. I just dont know if this is normal, just seeing them together I thought they would be together for awhile, they were so adorable together. Im gonna stop asking questions and maybe that will help clear her mind and then she will know her true feelings for him. Thanks again.

[j17c27]

Im 17 and just this weekend me and my boyfriend ended a 2 year relationship...its really hard to understand why it even happened...but believe me he was the best boyfriend any girl could ask for.  My mom loved him as did everyone else in my family and his family loved me.  Let me just say that the best thing you can do to help your daughter is to not ask questions and just help get her mind off of it. Right now i am soo hurt and depressed and angry and confused but the thing that helps is when people keep my distracted. I really feel like we lost a relationship that had a lot of potential, but things happen for a reason. I hope down the road we will get back together, just like your daughter says maybe she will with her boyfriend...but right now talking about it constantly probably just makes her more mad and confused...im just saying this with experience from my own mom.  I know you want whats best for her just like my mom with me, but just help her try and move on right now and in the best case, maybe they will get back together.