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urges to kill myself

there never seems to be a right time to die. i cant see a future for myself and i know in my heart ill never amount to anything. Im a 16yr old girl and im just stuck. my mum thinks im fine because 'theres nothig wrong with you girl, you smile and laugh all the time'. obviously every laugh i do HAS to be genuine. she wont let me see a doctor. i went to see one a while ago and he wouldnt help and im so ashamed and embarrassed that i dont want to go back. i spend most of my time thinking about how i would kill myself, im really not fussy. then all of a sudden, as im doing something, ill get a massive urge to just die. just go and down all the pullss i can see and vodka and just die. but then i get angry cause im not pretty enough to die yet, when i die im going to do my makeup really nice. i cant die until im pretty, and i dont think i will ever be. so why do i get these random urges, like i daydream about killing for most of the day, so thats being 'suicidal', right? so what the hell are these urges all about? maybe im just double suicidal
1 Responses
480448 tn?1426952138
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much.

You absolutely need to get help, and there's NO shame in that at ALL.  It actually shows a lot of self awareness and maturity to be able to recognize that you need help.

If your Mom won't get you help, then you're going to have to turn to another trusted adult hon.  Or, if you have to, call 911 to get the urgent help you need.

Please seek help right away.  You have your whole life ahead of you and I promise that your depression can be treated.  You won't always feel this way.

Here is a link to the national suicide prevention lifeline:


Keep talking to us, okay?  We're here for you sweetie.
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