very suicidal

[rach203]

i have had depression since i was 13 after being raped abusive boyfreinds and father being put in care and hospitals.i seem to be able to cope for so long then fall back down.in the last 3 weeks i have started cutting deep again,anger problems,tried to hang my self taken several overdoses and swallowed 4 needles.i have a gud social worker wen im ok but wen i feel like this i feel no one tries to help or believes how serious i feel about killing myself.i feel like this with alot of people that should be there to support me.i havent done any harm for 2 days but feel like i have atime bomb inside me.and have planned my next attempt of suicide so that it wil work just waiting 4 the time bomb 2 go of which dont think wil be long.my relationship with my partner is failing as i take my anger out on him and no he deserves better.i live in england and have been in the local pshychiatric hospital afew times but it only makes me feel worse.i hate feeling like thi and hate myself.i know i wil feel ok again someday but cant stand the thought of these feelings coming back all the time.please respond soon

[NoHopeOrLove]

i cried when i read your story being abused is bad and by your boyfriend too... i know what it feels like to be hurt by a person u thought u can trust... but i think you should do whats right and better yourself i think you can stop hurting yourself on your own if u really try and find someone who can make you feel better find someone you can really trust... right now i have trust issues with people after what happened.... but anyway i believe you'll do the right thing and i hope i dont sound like a total wierdo or loser

[Just 4 You]

I'm sorry to hear of the abuse you went through, and just wanted you to know I can relate to those feelings very well.  As strange as it may seem to some, Men get abused too, but very rarely is anything done about it as services are made to help women and children only.  I was put in a Care Home for People with Disabilities, where I became an ongoing victim to a Gay Caregiver who loved young men, or "fresh meat" as he called it.  I reported it to the Police but he denied it, and since nobody saw it, No Witness = No Case!  Instead of the caregiver being in trouble, I got in trouble for calling the police, costing me my phone privilages.  If I wanted to call anyone, I had to go to the main office and tell them who I wanted to call, and why. So the abuse went on and on, and I couldn't get any help.  I figured suicide was the only way to stop this, and I overdosed on all my med's, putting me into a coma.  I woke up in the hospital, then got put in a Mental Health Facility for counselling.  Not for the abuse as there's no proof that happened, but for the suicide attempt.  In some places attempting suicide is a crime, and you can be sent to jail for it.  Once again, the reason you tried it doesn't matter.  That's the legal system for ya!

[justme231]

I do know bpd is hard to deal with.  I know a few people with it.  Flashbacks are always hard.  I suffered nightmares for most of my life.  They seldom come now, but I still occasionally have them.  Let yourself go through the emotions right now.  Don't worry about forgiving at this time.  Accepting is all that is needed in the beginning.  Again just let me remind you that you need to forgive yourself first.  I know that sounds a little crazy in itself, but let's face it, those of us who are victims always blame ourselves for things that's why we think about suicide and cut ourselves.  In order to move from being victim to being a survivor you will have to eventually forgive.  All in your time rach203.  All in your time.  You are doing a great job!  No human being is ever worthless or deserves the hurts put on us by others in our lives.  Baby steps. Trust me when I say it can and does get better.  We'll be here for you.  Watch for us.
God bless you.

[rach203]

i was diagnosed with bpd wen iws 14(8 years ago)and at the time was really bad with it.i had very bad flashbacks triggers and nitemares.my flashbacks were so bad id forget where i was ad scream and lash out and hurt myself without being aware about it. but i had very intense treatment for it and although i cant forget or forgive wat happened i think i have learnt to live with it. i think its that that has made me believe i am worthless and deserving of it though.i think wen im feeling this low its a mixture of everthing from my life mixed together that makes me feel so bad.coz its not just 1 or 2 things its a lot of stuf that i cant cope with.thank you for your help

[justme231]

Hey girl,
  You sound a little better than the last post I read.  Good to hear it.  Remember always... Baby steps. You may find yourself going two steps forward, one step back.  Don't be discouraged.  It does get better.  Some days it will feel horrible and you wonder how well you truly are, and whether or not you have made any progress at all.  That is normal.  Hang onto to that feeling of feeling better and keep that in front of you.  I you have a bad day, tomorrow is another day.  Baby steps.  Eventually it will be two good days in a row and then three and so on.  It will take time, but I can assure you it does happen.  I am living proof.  I will check on you often.  If you have questions, thoughts or just need an ear...Find me.  When I was your age I was uncertain, too.  But, you know... When you hit bottom there is nowhere to go but up.  Keep looking up rach203.  It only gets better.
God bless you.

[Earlier]

I'm not a dr but it sounds like you have PTSD.  You will never feel better if you don't find a dr that specializes in that. It's different from regular depression. Hang in there.

[rach203]

thanks 4 your post.its good to know people understand and to know people that have been in the same place and got better.i am slowly getting back to my normal self just dont want to feel like that again as it so hard to stay positive,but know i will again at some point.i shall just try and enjoy feeling good while it lasts.thank you again i really do find medhelp useful x

[justme231]

Hey there!
  I happen to agree with mrmoose!  If you give in, they win and you lose!!!!  I was in your situation when I was sixteen.  Pills in hand, tired of fighting, wanting it all to end!  At that time I didn't even know what my problem was.  It took many years, and some searching, but I never gave up!  Find a good psychiatrist!  If you don't like the one you are with or they bother you for whatever reason... Move on!  My second doctor was pretty good.  Through her sessions I came to realize that I had been an abused child.  Dissociative disorder they call it now.  For those of us of the Sybil era...  Multiplicity.  She did not diagnose me, but I did learn - with her help - that my father had sexually abused me from the age of 5-11.  The equivalent of being raped for six years! It was a doctor many years later who helped me with the integration.  The only reason I mention this is to show you there is an end to it!  Move forward, do what you have to do, but keep putting one foot in front of the other.  This forum is a good place to start.  Look for others who have gone through this.  Keep talking about it to anyone who will listen... and there will be many.  Do not be around naysayers or anyone who feels you "Just need to get over it!"  You will get over it when you are ready to get over it.  Slowly you will have good days.  Eventually those days will come more and more often.  Before you know it it will all be a distant memory.  Not a pleasant one, but a distant one.  And you will feel better.    You have to first forgive yourself, then you can work on forgiving others.  Just remember, it takes time.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  Don't hang around anyone who doesn't "get" it.  Don't listen to people who tell you to get over it, or that it has been long enough, move on.
  In my day, cutting was never even heard of.  I don't really understand it, but I do understand the pain, the sorrow, the sense of loss and hopelessness.  All I can say is:  TALK! TALK! TALK!  If they don't want to listen, find someone else to talk to.  But you have to let it out.  Cutting will only hurt you and really is only a temporary solution.  I hope this helps.  I will be checking in to see how you are doing.  Don't give up rach2003.  Don't give up... Some of us really do care...

[mrmoose]

I also experience the feelings and the despair you talk of.  I too was raped but I was 40 and I blocked it out for two years until it almost destroyed me. I have been fighting to keep from killing myself for about a year.  I just try to get to the next minute, then the next hour, etc..I have to remember that tomorrow is a new day. I only sleep two or three hours at night because no drug has been strong enough to stop my nightmares.  If I take my own life then the man and his five friends that drugged and raped me will win.  I can't let them win.  I walk in the woods for hours and watch nature and animals until my anxiety settles down. I can't do the things I want because many things trigger panic attacks and negative thoughts.  I am not great yet but am better than I was 6 months ago. I found volunteering or helping others also takes my thoughts away to a better place.  Don't give up' keep fighting.  It is worth it.

[rach203]

i cant do tat they dont listen to me there they no me quite well from self harm so dont have any time for me.my boy friends in bed aswel and he thinks im ok i dont think he can cope with my problems anymore

[fuzzy882]

Listen to me!!!  You get on the phone and call your sucide hotline or GO now to the hospital.  You have already reached out to us here, knowing what we are going to tell you. You need help NOW...

[umya]

you need to go to emergency at your local hospital and tell the admissions that you feel like you are going to harm yourself.  you should do this RIGHT AWAY and not wait until you have an episode.  go to the hospital and demand to speak to someone.  GO NOW.