want to end my life

[ivan_elbisivni]

i am in depression and its getting worse day by day. i am doing third year engg in I.T. in mumbai. i think of suicide most of the day but thankfully don't have the courage to actually commit it. i have tried hurting myself though. i can't tell my parents as they think only retarded people need counseling. i have given them hints but to no avail. i have started performing very poorly at exams. i just can't concentrate. i feel useless, hopeless, worthless. i lose interest in things very fast. everything i do goes wrong. friends have ditched me, used me, i am in love with one of my closest friends,  have told him this but he just made a joke of it but expects me to be always there for him. i have no interest in anything, i feel aimless with no enthusiasm for future. i want to excel in my exams.please help.
i want to get out of it myself as its said that you cannot change others but only yourself.

[ivan_elbisivni]

it seems i am suffering from severe depression,mild to severe bipolar disorder,ocd and trichotillomania, adult attention deficit disorder....i did online screening tests on a site called psych central!
and i have taken a few other online tests for depression! all are positive!

do i see a psychiatrist or a psychologist?
what's the difference between these two?

[dhylles]

i am going through the same form of depression as well and what works for me is God and surrounding myself with my family and positive friends and going to see my therapist on a weekly basis. the other that works for me is talking to other people who are going through depression or have been through depression because you don't feel alone and they know exactly how you feel so you can help one another and i absolutely love this forum. Trust me I too have thought about suicide but when i look at the love my family and bf and my nephews have for me it is a life changing thing. Stay strong and keep in prayers. God is powerful than anything else in this world. i will pray for all of you. OH and try some yoga as well. it helps.

[ivan_elbisivni]

exams over...i thought all will now be ok...no more depressing thoughts
went to a small trip with family
college started...started enjoying with friends...loosened up a bit unlike my usual uptight self
started ignoring my friend-***-love and thought things will be ok now
but no.....i am not meant to be happy
i am not meant to have friends,companions and love!
the tears are back, so is the feeling of hopelessnes,loneliness..the feeling that i am one good-for-nothing ugly person!!
nobody seems to care about me...they are with me only as long as i listen to them! but nobody wants to listen when i talk!
my last paper was a disaster...i thought i would flunk..and i still think so....
i got so hyper and panicky that i got a migriane attack
came home crying....felt like it was the end.
pa rushed me to doctor....
when i was at doctor's i told him and my parents that i had been to a psychiatrist and was on antidepressants
they asked just basic few question as to whom did i go with and when and how i came across that doctor.

they haven't bothered to ask me why i went there....what was troubling me..
at first i felt happy that i won't have to answer nasty questions but now i am wondering whether they even care for me!!!!!!!
m back in the ditch
it's like quick-sand!

[ivan_elbisivni]

but that has to be prescribed by my doc isn't it? or can i take them myself without any prescription?
i have no clue as to all these meds!

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes I would strongly agree that you have bipolar and that you need a working mood stabilizer rather than an anti-depressent. Lithium, Depakoate and Lamictal are the most used options and I personally found Lamictal to be the most tolerable. Google "Depression Central" (has information on all mood disorders) for more information.

[ivan_elbisivni]

I GUESS my condition is that of bipolar.
i have terrible mood swings...feels m literally swinging......
at times i am so happy,euphoric...i could sing and dance and nothing absolutely hurts...not even talking to the gf of the guy i love...
and there are times even a message from her manages to ruin my entire day...bouts of tears,howling alone on the bedroom floor,staring hopelessly at my books as to why i am studying what i am studying....waiting for the world to end.....
at times peace and contentment and sense and practicality.......
at other times hatred and frustration and irritation towards every other human-parents,family,friends,love just about everything.....
and at times...rage....feel like banging the boring television, lifting my pc and smashing it to pieces, hurting myself!
huff!!!!! m tired............nothing is constant...not even pain!
m a complete mes....even in the new year nothing's new for me!
think i need stringent new year resolutions as TO STOP THINKING [

[ivan_elbisivni]

thanks for the support.............i am striving. i may stumble at times but i must go on!
u take care
love
me

[ivan_elbisivni]

sure i would love to know what you have to share

i try to be spiritual but when I feel hopeless...even God seems to be against me

but still it helps at times. its not going to be rapid but i am giving everything a shot...i am desperate to be normal.

[birdie0907]

"to get unwell and prolong suffering is adding to the burden of surviving."

Yes. Stay focused and do all that you can to get well.

[swathij]

hi if u can belive me i have an answer for u,i hav been suffering since years and was very sucidal but after trying this i m more relaxed and gave up sucidal thoughts, its liitle related to meditation and spirituality, if u wanna try it msg back i would give u full details, post ur msg in the forum itself ..................there are many who really care u as u could c from the answers, u wud definetely come out of it b brave. i m suggesting u to try what i tell ..........

[ivan_elbisivni]

i have seen a doctor. tomorrow i am having the 2nd session
haven't told anybody else. will see what results in few days. i will have to tell them because i am still a student and financially depend on my parents

as for the medicines...the effects i am not sure of. i don't know what to expect either.
no return of euphoria but my usual lethargy is back.

mine is more of impulsive behavior. when i am alone, sit for studies that my mind goes into overdrive.

even i got thoughts like if i can openly directly yell what i am going through,i must take a little drastic step,nothing major,but enough to scare them and make them stand up and take notice.
but that would be foolish. to get unwell and prolong suffering is adding to the burden of surviving.

i am placing faith in the doc for now.

exams over, depression will subside. but i must destroy it at roots for i know...exams back, depression back!

[birdie0907]

Ivan did you take LeftC advice and check in with a doc? Let us know.

[LeftCoastChick]

Med tweaking is pretty common until they can find the right fit for your. It's important especially when you've had suicidal ideations to keep in very close contact with your pdoc. IF you really feel like you've reached bottom, please go to your ER, you will get help, and you will feel better. Remember, this is a brain thing, and like any brain issue it's important that to keep close tabs with a doctor, preferably a pdoc.  You will feel better once you are on the right meds. My folks used to make jokes about my depression until I had a serious suicide attempt, they've never made a joke since. .I also think as morbid as this is, they aren't going to be around all my life, so I have to think of myself and ignore anything they say if it's negative. I hope this made sense?..

[ILADVOCATE]

As for your decisions you made the right one not to act on any suicidal ideations and to speak to your psychiatrist. They will follow up with any medication adjustments. If you have questions about any issues with benefits you may be eligible for, feel free to pm me. Remember there are times you need support from others and all of us can give you our support in an emotional sense but I could give you some practical suggestions. And as for the specifics of what's going on psychiatrically that's what your psychiatrist is for and they should be intensively involved now. It sounds like you are rapid cycling so if things get better for a while and then seem intense and spiral into mania that's what's going on, so the depression will come back again unless things are adjusted but it does sound like they are working on that.

[ivan_elbisivni]

yeah i guess its somewhat like bipolar.
after smiling for a long time without any reason i felt normal and then came the bouts of tears and despair.
this is yuck. i am so bored of everything. wish there was someone to take my decisions for me!

[birdie0907]

Well at least Ivan is happy for a while, which is a big change from before. Postponing the suicide is definitely better.
Let us know how you are doing now.

[LeftCoastChick]

You know I've had the same reaction to anti depressants, and became euphoric. That's a symptom of bipolar, it sounds like you are on Luvox, not uvox. SSRI's can trigger mania or hyperactivity, you may go from one extreme to another, make sure you take to your specialist, you are really Manic right now, call your doctor as soon as possible. Being like that is NOT normal!

[ivan_elbisivni]

.....u please give up the plan of suicide too....atleast for me........i need you people...so what if my own friends have ditched me...i want to be able to trust again and make new friends......................what's the point of having so many people in the world??????
i guess its time to HELP AND GET HELP.
you know it makes me so happy that i can chat with you all...that i am not alone anymore...i don't care if the people i care about don't give a damn about me.
maybe the medicine-induced euphoria is saying all this but its good nonetheless.
i want to yell Gloria Gaynor's song "I will survive" to all the ****** people who have wronged me.
i want to love myself and share the love with people who deserve it.
bigggggggg teddy bear and santa hugs to all of you.
muahh xxx
god, the medicine's working overtime i guess!

[ivan_elbisivni]

yeah i am so sorry. i chat and text a lot that's why the shortcuts. continue chatting with me...i promise you will pick up :p
i saw a doctor yesterday. i finally blurted out almost everything i had bottled up. i told them about my problem of Trichotillomania- overpowering urge to yank body hair which stems from depression. she had to prescribe me medicines when i told her i tried hurting myself at times.
she prescribed something called uvox and flumil. i have taken 1st dose of uvox this morning. and i think i have gone crazy...i am feeling extreme euphoria. i was in market with mom and was smiling all the way 4 no reason at all. i am smiling while typing right now. i hope they turn me into a maniac or give me bipolar disorder.
i have definitely delayed my plan for suicide......
i may need my parents' financial attention...so i am planning to tell my mom atleast as soon as possible.

[birdie0907]

The pharmacist will know all about the effects. Remember, there is no guarantee of purity for otc drugs, so be wary as you might get different effects

[suzy_is4dogs]

Can you please tell me more about  5 htp and L.theanine?  I mean if i go to the pharmacy I just ask for htp? how much you take of these, how often, is there a limit per day, etc? I cannot stand anymore the antidepressants I have been trying for years. One would make me feel happy but puts me to sleep all day, other would kind of help but makes me gain weight, etc. Tell me a little bit more about the amino acids if you could. Thanks

[snowflake620]

Suicide is not the answer,I too have suffered horribly form depressionI've taken every antidepressant known to man the two things I have found that have helped me tremendously is GOD and 5 htp and L-theanine, they are amino acids that you can get over the counter please try them I felt reliefe after the first 15 min of taking the 5htp seriously it was like a veil had been lifted.Please try them,please.
Snowflake

[lonewolf07]

Even as I write †his, I feel suicidal.

If you don't commit suicide, I won't either.  Let's just get help.

I am a Native American/Canadian and we have incredibly high suicide ra†es.  I don't want to be another sta†is†ic and don'† wan† you †o bé either.

[birdie0907]

I agree with Hensley, there is a lot of interpretation required to read all those shortcuts to words. I don't have the ability and I bet most don't to understand much of what you wrote. So if it isn't much trouble, write with proper spelling in future as a lot more people can read your story. Lots of people cruise these boards looking for someone with a similar background, but if they can't figure what you are saying in a hurry they will pass your story by.
Why do you want to tell your parents? Do you need their financial assistance? It may be good if you can get emotional support from them, but it doesn't appear they are that way. I only told 1 sister during my depression as I didn't want the secret to get out, and didn't expect much useful support anyway.
I read somewhere thatyou shouldn't be a recluse during depression, so tell family members if they will help.
My doc said vigorous physical exercise for half an hour is as good as 2 Ativans, but when depressed I sometimes had to take Ativans while doing my workout to maintain it, plus I often took them soon after a workout. Follow my docs advice about physical exercise if you are able to, and it may give you some temporary relief.