Retarded is a word we used when I was a kid a million years ago. We don't use it anymore because it was a slur on others. Normally I wouldn't mention this to someone who is depressed but I am because it's a manifestation of you looking outward for validation when you use words like that to put yourself down. Those other people you say don't give a F, of course they care. Maybe they care less than you about what you care most about, but then they care a lot about things you probably don't care about at all. You're mind-reading and you can't do that, right? You say you can't talk to your family, but you don't say why. You also don't say if there was something that happened in your young life that started turning your thinking to what it is now -- was there a time when you didn't feel this down? Was it recent? What happened? If you go into therapy you will have a chance to explore this stuff, but you can't do that without talking to your folks. Nobody here can diagnose you and you can't diagnose yourself; we can't even tell if you're exaggerating or this is truly how you feel all the time. We can only go by your posts, and our own experience. The problem with thinking negative thoughts is that it feeds on itself and becomes a chronic way of living if you don't stop it at some point, preferably early on in the process. When I was young we really couldn't talk about this stuff because people in those days didn't believe mental illness existed, most of them believed it was an excuse for people not to live the same routing life they were living. But most people aren't that way anymore, so if it's not your parents, talk to the school counselor, talk to your coolest relative, talk to the coolest parents of your friends, and get a referral to talk to someone who can help you stop this thinking. Suicide is a pretty dumb thing to do when you're young -- death is the one experience we're all going to have anyway so if you're not living in chronic pain and just can't do anything anymore it's not something you have to do now to experience. It'll happen some day. In the meantime, you want to taste as much of life as you can, right? That's the thing to work toward any way you can get to a person who will help you do that. Peace.
For some reason young people are always think they can't talk to their parents about their sadness, and lack of self-esteem, but that is so wrong. Your parents love you very much and want and need to know all that you are going through. Imagine how they would feel if something did happen to you but they never knew you had a problem? If you have trouble speaking to them face to face them write exactly what you wrote on here only to them. Everyone has self doubts about themselves it's just human nature, but you have to realize that YOU matter!! What happened in the past is just that...the past and you can't change it. But you can stop being a victim of it...the past is in your head...your future in your hands. You can't go through life worrying about what others think of you...just be you. Don't think for a moment that other kids are going through life with ease, everyone has problems and struggle with something. Start doing things you are passionate about and you will meet people with the same interest and develop friendships. The more you put yourself out there the easier all of this will get. For some reason you have the idea that you are not worthy of anything good and if something happened to you to make you feel this way it needs to be addressed. If it's anger from your past you must lay down the anger towards anyone who hurt you and walk away knowing God will deal with them. This allows you to no longer be their victim! Kids and grown-ups all make mistakes around their peers and learning to laugh at yourself is so important. A lot of what you feel is normal for a kid but it's how you're dealing with it that's causing the problems. Try to push negative thoughts away, smile when you can and look people in the eye, you will soon find that many actually do like you. You may have some depression and there is so much help for this but it all starts with you...talking to your parents would be a good start. Know you are not alone we hear from a lot of young people trying to find their way, maybe you could show the the way? I believe in you and know you can do this! We are always here for you so never feel alone and ask all the questions you want.