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Avatar universal

what is wrong with me?

(this post is long and retarded so you can read it if you want) alright its me again, i made a post asking about why i get red when i get called on in class, and some people said its social anxiety and i agree, now what i didn't mention was that i do have depression or i'm just being retarded, so im about to describe what i am feeling, sometimes when i am on my phone i would just lose interest and put it down and be like "why am i doing this" and feeling down, it feels like i just wanna lay down and close my eyes forever, i have a very low self-esteem "i hate myself" is whats on my mind a lot or "what is there to love about me" or "why am i not like other kids all strong, good looking and stuff" sometimes at school i just don't wanna talk at all and its screwing up my relationship. There was times where i start learning to not care at all but it didnt work, the teacher told me to take off my headphone in class i would just get upset and felt hurt in my heart and in my mind im like "WTF why you getting butthurt?" and i would start thinking "what is my peer thinking about me they just think im retarded" and  go home feeling down AF and start hating myself for being butthurt for that stupid reason and thats when self hatred comes in "why am i not like other people who just dont give a F at all" and sometimes if my self-hatred level goes up really high i would do self harm not  cutting but hitting myself, and oh Suicidal thought is always on my mind but whats keeping me back from killing myself is my family i think about their sadness if they see my dead body if i am going to suicide i would probably make it look like an accident like getting run over, other than that my thoughts on my true feelings right now? "what is there to like about me?" "if i am myself no one will like me" (that is already proven) "what if i die how long will my family be sad? will they forget about me?" I am alone, there is no such thing as "talk to your parents about this" Thank for reading my retarded *** post , i just wanna know is this depression? or am i just being retarded?
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Retarded is a word we used when I was a kid a million years ago.  We don't use it anymore because it was a slur on others.  Normally I wouldn't mention this to someone who is depressed but I am because it's a manifestation of you looking outward for validation when you use words like that to put yourself down.  Those other people you say don't give a F, of course they care.  Maybe they care less than you about what you care most about, but then they care a lot about things you probably don't care about at all.  You're mind-reading and you can't do that, right?  You say you can't talk to your family, but you don't say why.  You also don't say if there was something that happened in your young life that started turning your thinking to what it is now -- was there a time when you didn't feel this down?  Was it recent?  What happened?  If you go into therapy you will have a chance to explore this stuff, but you can't do that without talking to your folks.  Nobody here can diagnose you and you can't diagnose yourself; we can't even tell if you're exaggerating or this is truly how you feel all the time.  We can only go by your posts, and our own experience.  The problem with thinking negative thoughts is that it feeds on itself and becomes a chronic way of living if you don't stop it at some point, preferably early on in the process.  When I was young we really couldn't talk about this stuff because people in those days didn't believe mental illness existed, most of them believed it was an excuse for people not to live the same routing life they were living.  But most people aren't that way anymore, so if it's not your parents, talk to the school counselor, talk to your coolest relative, talk to the coolest parents of your friends, and get a referral to talk to someone who can help you stop this thinking.  Suicide is a pretty dumb thing to do when you're young -- death is the one experience we're all going to have anyway so if you're not living in chronic pain and just can't do anything anymore it's not something you have to do now to experience.  It'll happen some day.  In the meantime, you want to taste as much of life as you can, right?  That's the thing to work toward any way you can get to a person who will help you do that.  Peace.
2 Comments
my depression just comes out of no where i would be doing stuff and it just does out with sadness and losing interest in what i was doing. my childhood was not great i didnt have my parents for 4 years since i was 6 to 10 now i am reunited with them i feel like i wasnt rised right my guardian back then just let me do anything i would always be outside doing some crazy stuff the crazy stuff i regret doing looking back now just make me more depress.
Assuming you do suffer from depression, and again, we can't diagnose you and you can' t diagnose yourself, this is exactly what depression does -- we focus on what bothers us and makes us sad and minimize what makes us glad.  As for how you were raised, that does affect us, no question, but nobody gets raised just right.  Parents are all fallible humans just as all of us are fallible humans.  Different people go through very similar experiences and turn out to have very different lives because we're just different.  A good psychologist will help you see this over time.  You're young and far more resilient than you know now.  Fixing this stuff when you're young really beats how hard it is to fix when you get older.  Talk to your folks, as a beginning.  You'll be okay, really you will.  Peace.
Avatar universal
For some reason young people are always think they can't talk to their parents about their sadness, and lack of self-esteem, but that is so wrong.  Your parents love you very much and want and need to know all that you are going through.  Imagine how they would feel if something did happen to you but they never knew you had a problem?  If you have trouble speaking to them face to face them write exactly what you wrote on here only to them.  Everyone has self doubts about themselves it's just human nature, but you have to realize that YOU matter!!  What happened in the past is just that...the past and you can't change it.  But you can stop being a victim of it...the past is in your head...your future in your hands.  You can't go through life worrying about what others think of you...just be you.  Don't think for a moment that other kids are going through life with ease, everyone has problems and struggle with something.  Start doing things you are passionate about and you will meet people with the same interest and develop friendships.  The more you put yourself out there the easier all of this will get.  For some reason you have the idea that you are not worthy of anything good and if something happened to you to make you feel this way it needs to be addressed.  If it's anger from your past you must lay down the anger towards anyone who hurt you and walk away knowing God will deal with them. This allows you to no longer be their victim!  Kids and grown-ups all make mistakes around their peers and learning to laugh at yourself is so important.  A lot of what you feel is normal for a kid but it's how you're dealing with it that's causing the problems.  Try to push negative thoughts away, smile when you can and look people in the eye, you will soon find that many actually do like you.  You may have some depression and there is so much help for this but it all starts with you...talking to your parents would be a good start.  Know you are not alone we hear from a lot of young people trying to find their way, maybe you could show the the way?  I believe in you and know you can do this!  We are always here for you so never feel alone and ask all the questions you want.
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