Ive been talking to myself or (thinking to myself) past conversations or conversations that haven’t happened yet for as long as i could remember.. conversations with people i know in my life about myself in some form, like things I’ve said, things i didn’t say or do in that particular time that i wish i had said or did..Like I’m trying to fix small and huge past situations in my head for myself to feel better unaware it only makes it worse, knowing that it already happened and theres nothing i can possibly do to change it, making me feel more worse than i do on a regular basis .. Thoughts creep out of nowhere so many times throughout each day its normal. ill be doing something on my own time like watching a a movie and pretend for a brief moment that I’m talking to someone that i miss about what just happened in the movie, funny, scary, sad, happy, if it reminds me of them A conversation is bound to happen in my head. Or ill see anything that has to do with a person I’ve interacted with or haven’t interacted with that i know of.. and that with ANYTHING!!! Sometimes i don’t have to be reminded, i will be reminiscing about a good time with someone i don’t talk to and that person is the one ill have a conversation with about how i miss them or something random. it happens mostly with people i don’t talk to on a regular basis anymore and things i wish i could change about how i acted at a particular time, sometimes with current peers.
Ive been going to therapy for a couple weeks..helps a bit i guess.. i have a closer relationship with God, not only by trying to give all this pain to him/it, whatever you call him or it lol, but also by doings things beneficial for myself like eating WAYYY better, working out, educating myself through music if i can focus, trying to watch new movies, new hobbies, motivational guidance youtube videos, basically trying to stay busy/doing better in any way i can until i can feel again.. Cant do certain activities or exercises due to a fully torn acl but am still trying and have been feeling better in this process compared to how i felt when i was just starting.. but just feel like time is forever for how I’ve been feeling..fighting thoughts and feelings i never thought i would think or feel.. i dropped a really important relationship with someone i really care about to better myself and hopefully make that relationship better sometime in the near future.. wasn’t a healthy relationship and we both knew that, we knew things weren’t getting better but still kept trying.. i hurt her so much for a while and she was willing to deal with how i felt and how i was making her feel, but i chose to stop everything instead of taking advantage of her for the greater good so that i could hopefully be better for myself and her. After i dropped it she asked me if there was someone else, which pissed me off because she aint believe how tf i was feeling which leads me to believe she thinks or feels to a certain degree that i don’t care about her or us. i know this getting better thing isn’t some step by step boogie thing and it sucks.. and its going to take a while which is the thing thats killing me inside. I’m doing this getting better thing for someone, but can only do it by being on my own..me being on my own is making her feel like i don’t care about her and desensitizing her want to be in the relationship which sucks ***.. Im doing this with the thought in the back my head that she could move on with this process ive initiated.. I’ve been stressing so hard and it so hard to focus on one thing throughout the day without my chest getting weird pains, which is a lot by the way. I’m 18 and grew my first white hair vro like nah… i wanna just fly away.. this turned into a personal issue i don’t mind putting out anyway because i have really no one to talk to.. the “I’m here for you” or “i care” sayings are different when you know they mean them but the actions are showing different. i wish i could have caught the signs from people i know in the past were trying to give me that I’ve been trying to hand out.. i just want someone.. not to just be here for me because I’m feeling this way but for them to just want to be with me, if that makes sense? i don’t know how to keep people around for long or have them want to be with me like this girl i was talking to does.. anyways its a sucky situation I’ve been trying to deal with. i wanted to type more than i needed for someone who going through something or feeling similar, i know I’m not alone I’m just really tired of feeling this way.. i hope y’all get better. peace..