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So my husband and I have been married for 7 years. Last year we got into a huge fight and I suggested a separation. To be honest I didn't think it would last this long. He moved in with a female coworker. They've done things together,  gone places together but he always told me they were just friends and I believed him. Two days ago he told me that he's been seeing her for the last 6 months. He said he couldn't bring himself to hurt me so that's why he waited so long. That night on the phone I said anything and everything to make him see that I would change and that we can be happy and I meant every word of it. As I was crying and telling him these things he started to cry and I couldn't understand why. If he's happy like he says he is then my crying shouldn't bother him right? He still tells me to this day that he doesn't know what he wants. I want to work this out and have the chance to prove to him that things will not be the same. I won't treat him the way that I did. That I will respect him as an equal and show him that his feelings matter. I want to know if I have a chance to make things right and if so what can I do it increase my chances?
10 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi.....it appears that you have been less than nice to your husband in the past, and this may be why he sought comfort in the arms of another woman....no excuse but it happens.  Your husband may have been crying because the marriage has failed, and he is obviously very sensitive to hurting you so hearing you plead with him may have just saddened him.  I would ask him to meet with you for a heart to heart talk, and you have to abide by your promise to do better or else he has every right to walk out the door!  It's sad when we have to lose someone to appreciate what we had and I hope you can reconcile and treat him respectfully. I wish you all the best, but please stand by your promises if he decides to come back.
1339167 tn?1388281520
He's told me that in the past I've said the same thing and it lasts a little while and then it goes back to the same way again. I'm determined this time to change my ways for good and to do what's best for my family.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sadly, it is hard to go back in time.  I'm sorry, as I know that hurts.

You got into a fight and you suggested a seperation.   This indicates that the relationship had issues when together.  That you decided that you would make changes and will beg for him to be with you as soon as you found out he is with someone else concerns me.

He may be very confused right now.  He may have feelings for you both.  Promising something that you may or may not be able to deliver on is a tough thing to base a future on.  He and you should work on yourselves and figure this all out with reality in mind.  

I wish you luck.  Who knows how this will turn out but at this point, he is with someone else.  I know that is painful but that shouldn't be the motivating factor in getting him back.  Peace and luck
1339167 tn?1388281520
I've been saying I would change and things would be different this time.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
I guess my point about that is that sometimes we do damage and words that "things will be different" can be risky to believe.  I hope things do change and that whatever happened in this relationship to end it that you played a role in that you can change this for your next relationship.

I don't know if you have the option to try again with him.  That is up to him and at this point, he'll have to weight his options of a new person without the history you two have or coming back hoping that things have changed.  

I want you to be happy, I really do.  I hope it works out as you wish.  But it is hard to control someone else and what they want.  Good luck and I wish you peace
Avatar universal
There's an obvious pattern here and your husband has good reason not to trust that your changes will last very long. Maybe it's time to see a therapist to determine why you keep promising to do better but then end up treating your husband badly.  You may have some issues going on inside that not even you are aware of and it gets taken out on your husband.  You owe it to yourself to do this...as well as your current husband..... but should this not work out it will make you a better wife to the next guy. Life is an on-going learning process and often the lessons can be very painful as we learn the hard way.  It's worth asking your husband how he feels about you now, and if he still loves you...if he says no then you need to cut your losses and move on.  If he says he still loves you then let him know you're going to go to therapy to find out why you treat him so badly when he doesn't deserve it and stick to your guns on this.  When we treat people we love badly there is usually more going on, and I hope you can resolve this.  I wish you the best.
Avatar universal
You describe YourSelf as a "single Mother of Two" on Your profile.  So, is this Your "HUSBAND of 7 YEARS" as You state in this post?  and is He the Father of Your two Children??

I think these are important questions but ALSO I want to ask:  have You mistreated Him in the past or has He "convinced" You that You have mistreated and You are willing to "comply"?  You haven't said specifically how You have mistreated Him so I am wondering if that is HIS perception or is it YOURS??

Also, it seems "strange" to me that He would so QUICKLY move in with a co-worker and that only 6 months ago He started "seeing her"?  Would You be willing to explain in more detail what it is that You did wrong?  and why He is "now" involved" with the co-worker??  

I feel like something is being left out here.
Avatar universal
How long have you two been separated?

I saw that too....the description "single mother of two" and wondered myself what that's about.  

Sometimes a person gets pushed to a point of "no return" and can't tolerate anymore nonsense.....this sounds like your husband.  No one enjoys taking someone back only to be made a fool of and everything going back to "status quo".......sounds like this has happened in your past.

Him crying DOESN'T necessarily indicate he isn't happy......you are so assuming that.  Perhaps he is upset because his marriage is ending OR that he hates hurting you because he wants this other woman OR that he is so confused that he doesn't know if he is coming or going.  

Well.....pfff.....you pleaded your case to him and he may or may not want to work things out.  

Don't ever assume someone is going to continue to take what you dish out or what you sling out and stay with you.  

Seek counseling for YOURSELF to sort this out.  
Avatar universal
It sounds like he has regret that things didn't work out, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to get back together either. If he has been seeing someone that long, and lets be honest with ourselves, from the time they started 'doing things together' he was going out with her, chances of getting back together are pretty darn slim.

I believe it takes two to tango and I strongly doubt you are the only one who needs to change if things are going to work. Chances are the whole relationship was dsyfunctional and it took the two of you to make it that way. And if you were the problem, chances of an overnight change are also pretty slim. If it is a pattern of poor behaviour you will slip back into it unless you do something like counselling.

Sometimes we have to live with our words. You wanted a separation, you decided not to live together, and it is only natural he would seek comfort from someone else. Buyers remorse isn't going to help you move forward.

You can do a last ditch effort, ask him why he cried, ask him what his feelings are towards you, and if he tells you it is over, then be the best co-parents you can be for your kids. If he tells you he wants another shot - then suggest couples counselling. Otherwise in a year you'll be back to square one.

Good luck.
Avatar universal
Absolutely Lindahand.....exactly.    
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