Avatar universal

How do you not suck the life out of your friends?

I kicked my alcoholic husband out last week after 13 years of marriage, three marriage counselors and no changes on his part. What gave me the strength to do this was a friend. He started flirting with me about six weeks ago, and it became an emotional affair via phone and internet. I realized just how lonely I was in my marriage when I found myself responding this way to someone who was just plain old being nice to me. I knew I had to get out.

I was happy and confident in my choice for four days. Then my "boyfriend" dumped me last night over trumped up charges. I knew he was not good news in real life, I knew there was no future, but it was so wonderful to have someone to talk with. Now I am even more lonely than I was when I was married. I am still confident in my choice, but I can't seem to do anything except mope around the house wondering which friend would have the most patience to listen, all the while wishing I could think of something to talk about besides my situation. Unfortunately the person who wants to talk to me the most is my husband, and he just begs to come home. He is a convincing one too, but it isn't happening.

I have four kiddos, ages 7,6,4 and 2, so I have to be relatively functional with them but I am so lonely I can hardly deal with it. What do you do about loneliness?
8 Responses
1220347 tn?1345428521
Wait and hope. Sorry, I know this doesn't help but it's all I got.
134578 tn?1614729226
One of the great things about therapists is that they have to listen to you, even when friends are tired out.  I love that, I can go on and on about my boring issues and never have to worry that I am blowing a friendship.

I'd also consider volunteering somewhere that really needs help.  You'll be so busy and they'll be so glad to see you that it will give you a lot of new stuff to think about.
1167108 tn?1328439313
Seek out Alanon as they can be a trremendous help. A suuport group can provide you strength to continue on the path that you have sleectd as you are doing the right thing. There is nothing like bonding with people who are undergoing the same or a similar experience that you are.
Avatar universal
thats tough for you to do after a long time together, if you except him back then insist he must seek help, if he doesn't then he's going to end up in an early grave, he may be depressed and find alcohol the only answer, he really does need a therapist and must quit the booze with or without you.  It's hard bringing up kids on our own, you'll miss your hubby even though he has his problems, chat rooms are the only comfort i find in the day, my boyf works long hours so im on my own all day with our kids, your friends will tell you're better off alone but it's hard when you love them and have kids together
Avatar universal
All this happened for a reason, and I feel that it was to give you a way out from your husband. If you take your husband back and he does seek help, it will be like being married to a ticking time bomb.  Alcoholics have a failure rate of 97% after they quit drinking, and when they do start again it's even worse than before.  So you start again IF he will. Alcoholics are good talkers, you need to stick with your decision!  The more you get involved outside the home the easier it will get.  Don't settle just because you are lonely.  You don't want your children growing up with an alcoholic father, only to see them go down the same path.  A good friend never tires of listening to you, and I'm sure you have one who will listen, if not....talk to us!  I think there are better places to put your energy than in chat rooms, so look for other alternatives.  Volunteer at school, church, things that get you out of the house and around people when able.  Don't choose the lesser of two evils, hold out for what you really want.  Take care.
Avatar universal
Thank you for your advice. I was unable to make it to Alanon this week because I had a sick kid, but they have a picnic scheduled for this weekend that I plan to attend. I should be depending on them more.

I haven't been as blue as I was when I wrote this, but I am a stay at home mom, I live in the country and my kids are still on summer break so volunteering isn't going to work for now. I am also planning to move in a couple of weeks. I haven't had the energy to pack anything up just yet, but I need to get going on that project.

Fortunately my husband has done a couple of things lately that have reminded me why I am looking forward to getting away from him.

Thanks for the company and support.
1408841 tn?1281425347
Hello wildflowersp -

I believe you dislike your husband very much. Maybe because he made a fool of yourself when  he made you think that marriage councelors will help both of you. And I think what makes you dislike him even more is that he won't change for you and for your family's sake. While you on the other hand, made sacrifices to make everything work. Simply put, he didn't play his part.

If he makes you feel worthless, it is a good idea to leave him behind. Many married couples are tolerant to this because of their kids. But make sure that your children understand this. The usual thought of a kid might be it is their fault that you guys aren't together anymore. What ever they think, make you sure that they understand what is going on. Those ages are critical for growth. This will teach them to be strong and not be afraid to make their own responsible decision to move when they aren't happy and facing the whatever consequences head-on. You are a brave woman wildflowersp. Make no mistake about that. :)

The relationship of your boyfriend, is indeed just a feeling you missed when you and your husband were okay. But that part is over now. Just make sure that if the next love interest comes in, don't put too much emotions to it at first. So you wouldn't be really fragile if things didn't work out. Again, make sure your children understand this.

Don't hurry yourself in meeting someone again. It will come if it will come. Meanwhile, you are now an independent woman. Basically, nothing thrown at you, you can't handle. So, enjoy it!
1408841 tn?1281425347
I forgot to add - about talking with your friends, it won't matter to them if you keep on talking about your life, as long as you ask how their lives are. People, like you, like to talk about their lives. So, to get someone to listen to you, be a listener too.
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