Avatar universal

Husband and I want to seperate but we still love each other- Confused


I have been with my husband for 10 years now and have a 7 year old son.  I am 40 and he is 35.  We have had many ups and down but certainly more frequently in the past year which has brought us twice to the brink of seperating but this time it seems real! I am petrified.. confused and scared that i am making a mistake.  However, my close friends all say that my wanting to leave is very ligitamate.  We both have good jobs and make good money.. .. however finances are always 'tight'. My main issues for me is that with a very busy carreer.. i take care of everything and it is practically impossible to depend on him to take 'care' of things without him forgetting. I take care of all finances, groceries, dinners (he will do dishes), apointments (even his.. but gave up on that), our sons activites - registrations etc, homework.. etc.  He does contribute a bit to the cleaning and stuff.. but he is like a teenager.. with a pile of clothing next to his bed and leaving stuff all around the house.. its exausting.  I ask him weeks ago to call and get some prices for a car part for one of our vehicles.. but in the end.. i ended up doign it.. cause he forgot.  I take care of maintenance and all for vehicles as well.  
  Furthermore, it is very hard or almost impossible for us to discuss any 'touchy' subject matters without ending up in an argument.. him running upstairs and hiding in bedroom.. etc. He says he needs to cool down.. but we never end up discussing the matter.. I am usually scared to bring it back up.. and have him blow up again.  He is immature .. and cannot 'communicate' well when discussions get really serious.. and if I stay calm its seems to aggrevate him more.  Last night I went upstairs after him to try to discuss further.. and he had his ears physically plugged with his fingers! Then he sais.. i do not care what you have to say right now.. and i do not want to hear it.  His excuse.. he was cooling down.. Another time.. following knee surgery .. i had to get a cortizone injection because of real pain in my knee..came home that night and ask him to water the animals (we have a small hobby farm).. told me it was my 'turn'.. and let me go out there drag a 50 pound water jug.. while in pain with my knee.. i cried the whole time.. felt so 'low' at that point.  After such events..usually he gets all nice.. and stuff.. and i forget.. and then another blow up and the cycle continues.  However.. as i said.. still love him and this is what makes it very difficult.  We argued so much last weekend (not always like this).. but my son told me that he wanted us to stop.. and if we could not that he would rather see us seperate.  Anyhow.. i  know i am all over the place.. but that is how i feel now.  WE did go to two therapy sessions.. and had one more scheduled this week.. but was cancelled.
13 Responses
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi and welcome. These are habit lifestyles that took time to create and will take time to uncreate. Your correct and i believe most men can act as teenagers as the little boy is always there and can pop up at anytime. Since your method of communication doesnot work that well then try changing the way you say things. You know best how to do this as know what he will react to or not.
Dont expect him to be a certain way but get him to act the way you want. You have the skills.
I sense your tired of him not stepping up to the plate but dont give up for the reasons you mention, Most are petty and can be changed.
I would start by not doing things that you normally do. Dont to this all at once but little by little, like dont cook for him. Just cook your food and let him cook his own.
Hes being this way because you let him and he reactes his way because he knows it affects you.
Look at this as a course in behavior modification,. Like the think with carrying the heavy water, you should have said "its never my turn as this is a mans job!"  
Since hes acting as a teenager then go along with it and act like his mother. In the long run, this is the way it will turn out anyway. My grandfather used call my grandmother (his wife) mom.
Avatar universal
I can see where you are coming from.. but when i picture myself cooking my food and not his.. or telling him that is a `man's' job.. i see him blowing up! He had prepared a 'schedule' where the tasks where split down the middle.. he had me shoveling the driveway and everything else.  However, one part of his schedule was to sit with me once a week and just 'check' the budget with me so that he could contribute.. that was not done once.  He was suppose to do some meals.. that lasted a week.. etc.  Furthermore, he smokes pot every single night and has been doing this since he was 15.. i think it affects part of his memory.. and certainly his motivation.. which does not help.  He has been clear that no woman will ever stop him from smoking.. ever.  
3149845 tn?1506627771
I would just put this plan in action and give it a shot as what your doing doesnt  seem to be working. He is blowing up because you react to it. He has a powerful tool that he uses on you so get your own tool and play the game back like not talking to him. Not talking to him can be very effective but dont let this go longer than 24 hours. He has to be made aware that things have to change. If he is smoking pot in front of your son, i would put some restrictions on his use. You have to take control of him. Lets face it, he has control over you so get some of the control back. No total control but some more control than you currently have.
Avatar universal
Just on the smoking point.. he would never smoke in front of our son. That is for sure.
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi there.  Ahhh.  Well, I have many friends that are in the same boat as you.  Being a female often means that we are the home coordinator, book keeper, chef and cleaning lady.  Not sure why that is.  

Regarding finances---  we used to have this problem in my house.  I told my husband it is his.  To pay each bill as it comes in so it is not a big bad 'day' of paying bills.  And ya know, he does it.  I don't 'treat' him like a child.  If he were to forget a bill, well . . .  he's an adult.   He'll figure it out.  so, I would not treat him like a child and allow him to take over the bills.  Budgets you work on together.  now for me . . .  one thing that was hard is giving up control.  often a double edge sword in which we want them to do more but we have 'our' ways.  I did tell my husband to pay daily because then it is much harder to forget and will think of it more as a 'tip' than controlling.  :).  But he is in charge of how he does it.

You both work, if you don't want to clean----  get a cleaning lady every two weeks to do the scrubbing and have a division of chores on the weekends.  Get your son involved to as he can certainly help with Saturday morning clean ups.  My sons (age 7 and 9) do this and can take out trash, use wipes to clean up a bathroom, etc.  Good lesson for them.

The things you mention ARE managable if one has the desire to work things out.  That is key.

Where are you at with that?

I would consider a counselor.  You've been together a good while and have a child together.  I would really consider working with a professional to talk about communication, conflict resolution, and rekindling the love you once had.  How for you to make sure you are not in a 'mother' role to  him and how he can rise to at least some of your expectations.  

and try a date (with no heavy talk) once in a while in which it is all about the two of you having light hearted fun together.  

good luck
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your very insightful comments.. you have made many good suggestions and i will certainly try to instill them.  I will again schedule an apointment with a couple therapists.  We had gone twice before.. but i know that this process can be very long.
Avatar universal

I am not so experienced with all this stuff...

but by reading your question i cudnt stop myself from answering dear...

i will not tell you any love lessons...Vl jst tell you what u can do...

For few days,say for 15 days... u can keep calm.. no discussions and fightings by ur side... in all conditions u can keep quite or mum..

let ur husband may do what he is doing... u js be very normal to him.. dont expect anything from his... try to ignore all sort of clutters what he use to do.. js be calm and do ur work... at times u feel alone.. spend time with ur child...

u have to just OBSERVE...
and be very normal and contented..

then if your husband really loves you or cares for you.. he will try to find out the reason behind your this strange behaviour...

mens are very weak from heart and wants freedom...
do not run behind him... in overcaring him.. or making love.. or discussing anything with him...

the very day u will start acting as if you are ignoring him or you are still very happy without talking to him with your kid... he will feel jealous and will try to talk with you....

u need to give some time and space to your husband...

have full trust on him.. because trust is the boon of any relation... and if he is found guilty also... by seeing your trust.. he will surrender himself to you...

treat him as a baby... before going to sleep.. u can kiss him on his forehead n can sleep without any expectations and a smiling face...

i bet the day u will start being happy... optimistic... and contented... everything will again go well my dear....

jst have faith in yourself... and your God!!!!



Avatar universal
Thanks Sneha.... i am doing my best and applying some of these tips.. but we are in seperate bedrooms right now.. and yesterday i prensente a bit of what i thought i wanted to see change in our relationship (After he provided a list of things he was not happy with me) .. and his answer.. simple. Lets seperate.. we are growing apart.. different people. No dicussion..nothing. I am keeping 'mum' now.. and not discussing anymore.. i am drained.
973741 tn?1342342773
Oh, I'm sorry to hear this.  Sounds like he's had his mind made up.  I do that with my husband and would have told you that when he gives you a list of tihngs that he is unhappy with, you take it and absorb it for a bit as immediately giving your own list right back makes things feel hopeless.  Taking turns in that area helps.

Well, I'm sure you are sad sweetie. I'm very sorry.  We're here to support you.  peace
Avatar universal
When i got his list i took it in stride and said that i was willing to work on these things.. even if some of these would have applied to both of us. No anger or anything.  My list was not long but was just mainly support for household managment.. that we can 'talk' about touchy subject without him getting angry or very tense.. talking logically and not emotionally and have respect for me.. as he has said hurtful things in the past.. as a knee jerk reaction.. but still very hurtfull .. as i have cried for whole afternoons following these comments.  
973741 tn?1342342773
It is so true that our partners are the ones who can make us feel the most loved and the worst.  They know our soft spots and words can crush us.  Many people do indeed say things that are hurtful to their partner . . .   I've done it myself.  Ugh.  We all should remember how our words are internalized and play over and over like a tape recorder to our loved one when in truth, the words as we say them don't mean that much to us.  The mean everything to our partner.  

anyway, I'm not sure where you go from here.  I do think that seperations can be used as a cooling off period and a chance to meet at a therapists office and to actually do some work or for some it means it is already over.  

It's hard.  how arey ou feeling?
Avatar universal
My feelings are all over the place.. at times i am scared, other times confident, panic attacks.. all over the place. This has been going for a while now .. and we always seem to get back to the same bad place.  As i mentionned we did go to a couple of therapy sessions.. but even at these he had trouble not 'attacking' me with words.. but the therapist put a stop to that quickly.  Myself consulted a psy on my own.. since i was going down a slippery road of depression and anxiety following out last bad 'time'.... from what he saw.. i had a husband that was manipulating me and that was also an emotinal abuser.. so its not all in my head.  The hard thing is.. he is not an evil person.. he is a good man and an awesome father.. but he has things to work on but does not see it yet. I need a mature person in my life to support me in daily life.. and also with whom i can discuss things.. and not be scared to even bring up subjects because of his possible reaction.  
Avatar universal
First of all let me say I'm sorry for what your being put threw.I have came across this be cause I am having a lot of the same problems.I have been with my bf for 11 years and he stays at home and sleeps or lays around while I go out and bust my butt.to keep my family serviving and every time things get a little rough he wants to run.every time I try to communicate with him its like I'm talking to my self or he starts screaming at me like a child he is a 52 year old man and I am a 33 year hard working good women but he makes me feel like I'm worthless are family ain't important enough to work together to fix us.I tried to get him to go to counseling or try other things and he refuses like he jus don't care or he jus don't love me anymore.I am at lost when I have done nothing but try to get him to love me for me.I have been by his side 100% whether he down or up no matter the situation or the things he has done to me but every time I need him he shuts me down and let's me fall.so how can I fix this so I can keep the best part of me my family cause with out that there is no me!!!!
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