Divorce & Breakups Community
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750055 tn?1364771370

I am not alone

Thank you for this forum cause I really feel alone. I am married now with my high school sweetheart of 12 years and am gong through a divorce (I filed) because on December 23, 2012 I received the worst phone call no wife ever want to get. A phone call from another women. The women you spoke with before and knew you and your spouse were married with 3 kids and tells me she is expecting a child with my husband. My world came crashing down… As far as I knew I was deeply in love with him, "I love you" texts and phone calls still existed and so did intimacy. I didn't see this news coming… it's like when I'm awake I'm living a nightmare and when I sleep it's the only time my heart rests from this immense emotional pain. My husband's family never liked me throughout our whole marriage and recently reached out to that other women and invited her to their home. Since my world turned upside down they have not once reached out to me and my children… I'm devastated… My husband finally opened his eyes and has begged for forgiveness but my heart is just to broken… I can't trust him again. "Father please forgive my in-laws and husband, for they do not know what they are doing"…. "Father, i'm just waiting for my healing, my heart desperately needs"… I pray for all the broken families, spouses…
22 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this.  yes, very very painful.  You have all of my empathy.  The pain of a break up does get better as time goes on dear.  It's one of those 'time heals' situations.  

Can you  see a counselor?  I so think that would help you sort out the feelings.  How's your family, supportive?
750055 tn?1364771370
Thank you, I am trying to find a counselor cause I really do need one. Although I'm not sure how it will help… I don't think they have a prescription to put you heart back together. My only hope is time… Time will heal me I guess. My 11yrs old, 9yrs old and 3 yr old is doing okay. They all have different feelings. My oldest (daughter) doesn't want my husband flirting with me, hugging me, or kissing my cheek and my middle child (my son) wants us back together & my youngest is just so young to really know whats going on. My family hates my husband now and is being a great support system to me and the kids. Sometimes I think I would forgive him and not get a divorce if she wasn't pregnant but the fact that she is complicated things even more. Thank you so much for commenting and you kind suggestions.
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi and really sorry what your going through. All things that we experience in life is only proof that we are alive and how we deal with it will set the stage for tommarow. Very similar has happened to me twice and as of this day has made me stronger and wiser. Wisdom comes from knowing and knowing from experience.
At first i felt betrayed as you but soon realized that feeling betrayed could not change how i felt but just made me slip futher into depression. My shame turned into strength as knew in my heart that it was their loss and all this had nothing to do with me but was all about them.
Be strong in your heart and feel sorry for him. The bottom line hes a lier and cheat and really doesnt deserve you anymore.
750055 tn?1364771370
Thank you so much for your response and the time you gave to comfort me. Just reading that makes me feel like there is hope that one day the pain will fade little by little. So cared of being a single mom of 3 at the age of 31 with no college degree and no job. Please pray for me. I need God more now then ever. Glad I found this forum to vet a little while I keep looking for a counselor in my area. If you ladies were in my shoes would you forgive your spouse and call off the divorce? He has promised and cried in front of me that he has changed through all of this. He changed his phone number so his family wouldn't contact him anymore and also his e-mail. He wants nothing to do with the baby but I told him that's not the right thing to do. It's not the baby's fault. He said that he'll go to counseling and would always consult with me when any new issue would arrive about the new baby. He wants me fully involved in every decision he makes. I'm starting to feel out of love for him but I'm not gonna lie, I miss our family times, nights on the couch cuddling and family vacations together. But I feel like with his family hating me, the trust that's now broken, and the new baby on the way I'll never be happy no matter what he does or gives up for me. I really feel like if that other women wasn't pregnant I might of reconsidered the divorce. I'm so afraid and scared of being alone. I went from being a teen, to married at 18, 3 kids and 12 years later facing divorce… Like I wasted 12 years and starting my life all over again. I'm afraid of future relationships. It'll never be like my 1st husband.. We've been through so much together. :( Thank you ladies. Although we are strangers, to me your hope, your angels that give me some sort of comfort
750055 tn?1364771370
1894410 tn?1364190055
I feel the pain you are in, my husband left me after 30 years, and I was deeply shocked and it took me time to even understand why. It has been nearly 2 years now and like your husband he is wanting to come home.  Like you my husband's family never, not once has his family contacted me and see how I or the kids were going. So where am I today, I am still a little confused, I can't remember a time without him in my life, but I can't see him in my future. I had a really bad life as a child, I went through things no one should go through. No one has hurt me the way he did, how can we ever trust them, I am a good christian woman but forgiveness is very hard to give. I look at him and I see her, when we do things as a family I remember the pain. I can't live with that, I am lonely and miss him terribly, every second I miss the man I married, I miss the trustworthy man. Then I think, has he done this before, has he lied to me before, far all 30 years is a long time. There is no going back to him I don't won't to spend the rest of my life wondering if...do you? I really hope this has helped, but a wise woman once said to me would I put up with this from a friend NO, then why is it OK to put up with it from him.  Good luck and I am here if you want to talk. Evly
3149845 tn?1506627771
Kellyjo, in my opinion going back with him could work only if you have the inner strength to deal with questions and mental images about his affair and his new baby that pop up into your mind for God knows how long. You really have to think about this because if you surpress this you could end up in denial and will eat at you. I have been through this and the only way to free myself was to accept it and get all the thoughts out in the open. This is how therapy can help.
Speaking of therapy, i try one which really helped to get out all the anger. Its called Rolfing. What happens with emotional trama, it stiffins our body and especially our back. We are not relaxed and are on edge that causes stress to build up. Rolfing will keep your stress from building up and as the theraphist pushes down for realignment the surpressed anger will come out and youll feel free.
Dont see yourself as a woman here, see yourself as a person. You were yourself before you met him and youll be yourself long after this has been resolved.
I will pray that God give you the wisdom to make the right decision  and heal your broken heart.
750055 tn?1364771370
Thank you for your encouraging words and advice. 3 months before he got the other women pregnant I bought the "love Dare" book from the movie Fireproof cause I noticed he was separating himself from me, the kids, my family & friends. I would leave him "I love you" notes in his car, and tried everything I could. I even gave him time to be away with what I really hope was his best guy friend and would stay with him for days just to see if he'd miss me. Throughout those days if stay up trypsin the next love Dare for the following day. It didn't work. I would beg or him to take us to church and would come up with different excuses like I'm going to the gym or he'd be too tired. I can now walk away and at peace to know that I really did try to make our marriage stronger. I fought alone. I'm simply scared to be alone. I hate to say it but being a stay at home mom for so many years had made me feel so dependent in him. He is a finance manager at a car dealership and he wanted me to stay home with the kids an raise them. My resume doesn't look so good and I just don't wanna fail my kids. I feel so weak.... Praying God shows me the way and gives me the strength. I'll keep you all in my prayers
3149845 tn?1506627771
I do understand where you coming from. I think between child support and alimony, maybe just a part time job will do for now. When the courts find out he got a women pregnant they wont have much sympathy for him in you recieving monetary relief. He actually may have broken law in your state. Adultry is considered a crime in some states. Stand tall and strong representing you and your children.
More often than not, new beginings can be grand experiences. What ages are your children?
750055 tn?1364771370
I have an 11yr old(girl), 9yr old(boy) and 3yr old(girl).  Thank you ladies. You all are encouraging women!!! ((Hugs)) being here is really helping me. I sincerely appreciate all the comments, advice, suggestions, and your own stories! Your all such empowering women to me
750055 tn?1364771370
I have an 11yr old(girl), 9yr old(boy) and 3yr old(girl).  Thank you ladies. You all are encouraging women!!! ((Hugs)) being here is really helping me. I sincerely appreciate all the comments, advice, suggestions, and your own stories! Your all such empowering women to me
3149845 tn?1506627771
But what about the man who replied? Gee wiz!
750055 tn?1364771370
Who's Gee wiz? I don't see that comment :/
Avatar universal
I SO relate to Your feeling of devastation!  I am sorry to say - You are NOT alone - this has happened to Many of Us.  I was not Married as long as You when I found out my Husband was cheating BUT, I was only 15 years old when I married Him.  I was 16 when our First Child was born and while I was in the hosp. delivering our 2nd Baby, I learned He had cheated.  I was totally devastated.  He had been my Hero!! my LifeLine!!  He had rescued me from the abuses of my Mother and I loved Him HEART and SOUL, He was the Father of my 2 Babies (10 1/2 months apart) and SUDDENLY, He was a total stranger to me!! - and I was frightened!! beyond belief!!  I was VERY afraid to realize I did not know this person I had been Married to.  It not only changed who I thought He was, it changed who I thought I was!!  My Life, My Love, My Trust, Hope, Belief, Dreams, Confidence, etc., etc., were shattered!!  I was 17 years old, had TWO Babies, each less than a year old and I had nowhere to go except back home to an abusive, alcoholic Mother!!  SO!!  I stayed with this man who I felt I NO LONGER KNEW WHO HE WAS!! I stayed for 15 years and a 3rd Child.  I was never "happy" again as the cheating never stopped.  He had affairs with People I did not know, He had affairs with Friends of Ours, He had affairs with each of the wives of my 2 Brothers.  It was HORRENDOUS!! all of it!! each and every time!!
I too, was a stay at home Mom, I had NEVER had a job, I had not even finished high school, I had never even learn to drive.
After 15 years of marriage suddenly(?) I couldn't take the cheating anymore.  I got my GED, I learned to drive, I learned to type (long, long story there) and I left Him!!  By this time I was 30 years old and I thought my personal life was over.  I had 3 children to finish raising.

Long story short:
8 years later , I Married the Man who had been my Best Friend for 7 years.  It was "simply" a FriendShip, strictly Platonic.  We had Both come out of cheating marriages and had much to share - and share We did.  We spent a lot of Good, Quality Time with One Another and We became Very Good, Deeply Meaningful friends.  After 7 years!! We suddenly(?) realized that We not only "loved" One Another, but that we were IN Love with One Another!!  NO ONE COULD HAVE BEEN ANY MORE SURPRISED AT THIS REALIZATION THAN WE WERE!!....and then We Married.  The term "I'm married to my best friend" LITERALLY applies to Us.  We've been married now for almost 29 years and as far as I'ver seen, We are the Happiest, the Most Sincere and the Most Deeply Devoted in Our Love of any Couple We have ever met!!
So Yes!!  Life goes on......even after You've been deeply hurt!!
(There is SO much more to my story but, believe it or not - I kept this very brief!!)
Good Luck and Regards,
750055 tn?1364771370
Your testimony is amazing and your such a strong person for overcoming those pumps on your road and still achieve your goals. Like a saying that I've heard "theres no bad that good will come from it". I hope that will one day be my story to come to a point in my life where I can be happy again and succeed in my goals I have set for myself. Your an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing with us :) I means a lot
3147776 tn?1549545810
(Life360 is a man - that's the explanation for his comment. :))

I've been in a very similar situation, and I remember that pain all too well - the shock of finding out that what you thought was a decent marriage was a sham, and finding out that you were the only one who thought it was so.  It's a grieving process, and you need to go through that, but my only advice is to not let it get to the point of wallowing.  I remember crying almost every day, and then one day I woke up, and as I was crying, I said to myself, out loud, to be sure I heard it: "OK, go ahead and cry, but this is the LAST time.  These are the LAST tears you will shed for this man.  He isn't worth any more of your misery."  He was still calling me at that point, and I called him and firmly told him not to call again for any reason apart from business - that I needed to do what was best for me and move on.  He was shocked and hurt by that, but it was a huge step toward healing for me.

When you get to a point where you can, get out of the house and do something - meet new people, make new friends, even if this means just getting a job and making friends there.  It will increase your self-worth to meet people who enjoy your company and who think you're "enough" just the way you are (being abandoned can really make us feel like we aren't enough, but we are!)

Fast forward a few years, and like LeeAnn, I'm now in a relationship with someone who values me, and makes me feel special, even at time when I'm not so "special", LOL.    I hope you can focus on the fact that your husband's actions have nothing to do with who YOU are, and everything to do with who HE is.  Best wishes as you continue your journey forward!
Avatar universal
I found out about my husband's 3 year affair with his secretary almost exactly 6 months ago.  
We are in counseling, but he still works with her everyday.  I do thank god she did not get pregnant, but believe me, she easily could have.  I've been married almost 20 years with 4 year old twins and a 12 year old daughter.  My 12 year old doesn't like to see us hug or kiss either.  I am 42 and have not worked for 12 years.  This other woman was married as well and divorced her husband a year after starting the affair with my husband.  I hate her so much I wish the worst possible things to happen to her for the rest of her life.  
Our reconciliation is a roller coaster.  I have never felt so depressed in my life and I've had some pretty bad things happen.
The thing is his relationship with her wasn't real, it was a fantasy.  Your husband knows he does not want a real relationship with her.  Doesn't make the pain go away, but it is some consultation.
It's hard to throw away your family life, especially knowing the pain it will cause your children.  
I know what you mean about sleep, it really is the only break I get from the pain.  
With him or without him you will eventually heal.  If he is truly sorry and has ended it with her, maybe it's worth reconciling, but you will need help.  
And the baby?  Don't know what to do about that.  
Why did the other woman call?  Had he dumped her!  Maybe the baby is not his.  Very convenient she becomes pregnant as he is trying to get out of the affair.
Avatar universal
I forgot to mention I too have heard nothing from his family.  He only has his dad and sister.  His dad has been cordial, but after 20 years of being his daughter-in-law, a hug would have been nice.  His sister would not return my phone calls.  I consider her dead at this point.
750055 tn?1364771370
So sorry that I missed to notice you are a guy :/ forgive me. If I missed any other guy that commented I'm so sorry. All comments are appreciated
750055 tn?1364771370
According to my husband he did want to end the affair and told her she wanted nothing to do with that baby. Even wanted to sign over his rights. He's angry at her because she knew he was married and being friends with her for 6 yrs didn't chose to sleep with him anyway. I know in my heart they are BOTH at faults. The possibility of it not being his is possible but from what it seems he doesn't really doubt that its not his. I know this is weird but I have had many times that when I dream a baby someone I know is pregnant. I dreamed baby on December 1st (right around the time she should of gotten pregnant). I guess we'll just have to see at the end of August when the baby is born. I have advised him to be in that baby's life and be a good father. It's not the baby's fault and not the right thing to do if it is his.
750055 tn?1364771370
He* wanted nothing to do with her & the baby
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi Kelly, in the big picture there are no absolute rules about this. One on one relationships are personal commitments to each other. And as you know, some countries men have more than one wife. These are issues of the individuals morals and if your ok with taking him back and making a go of this then by all means give it a shot.
You know his heart better than us and you know what emotional situations you can handle. But as i mentioned before it is very important to get all of the issues out like him being a good father to his the mothers baby.
No one is perfect and things happen and all this depends on your inner strength to deal with future issues and i think you know what they will be.
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