I created a monster

[islandgrl47]

I think I have been making excuses for my husbands abusive behavior for 22 Years. This morning I work up at 4:30am cause I just wasn't tired anymore. But I got up. Put some laundry in the dryer that my son left in the wash last night, read some emails fixed the kids lunch for school, drove them to school, went to work early. My sons soccer team was having a pasta party at my house so during my lunch hour I went food shopping, unloaded all the folding chairs from the back of my truck, set up the tables, went back to work. Left work at 4 picked up some paper plates and stuff I forgot, cooked the pasta, set up the buffet, for the kids. Made my husband a plate of food, brought it down to him cause apparently teenagers don't want their parents hanging around their pasta partys. Then the kids went outside while they were waiting for their rides to pick them up. I said to my husband " I wonder when everyone is leaving I am really tired and want to go to bed soon" his response was. " it's only 8 o'clock" I said "yeah but I've been up since 4:30" he said well so was I". Why do I say all this? Because in the past 20 years my husband has never had my back. Instead of saying "hopefully they won't leAve too late and you can get some rest" he had to be like so what did you do all day thAt you could possibly be tired. He has always acted like that. Very demeaning in his conversations. I had my own business when we got married and had children right away. He would go to work and yes he did work hard I took care of the kids all day. When it was evening and time for me to work he would get mad at me cause he was tired now and call me at work. What did I leave for the kids to eat. How long was I going to be. I would get calls at work to hurry up the kids are fussy. I would get home he would be so mad and then I would have to bathe the kids put them in there pjs put them to bed. If the kids were difficult to put to sleep and I would ask for help he would yell from his bed for them to be quiet and go to sleep. He was the fun dad on the weekends when he wanted to play or teach the kids a sport he liked but if it was something for school like a concert or teachers meeting he would never go. I would. When I grew up with my 4 brothers and sister, my dad would get up early Saturday or Sunday morning make us breakfast or go get bagels and give my mom a break. My husband sleeps till 8 cause it's his day off and I was the one getting the bagels or making the nice Sunday breakfast. He can sleep to 8 but I can't go to bed at 8 when i am tired. Does anyone else think his behavior is selfish. This is only a tip on the iceberg. Just to give u a little background when we where starting out I mowed the lawn and shoveled the snow cause he was at work during the day. I put up the Christmas tree by myself with the kids, I handle all the mail and bill paying, I do all the food shopping g and gift buying and birthday party planning. But he seemed to have the 5 hors on sat am in the summer to go surfing, or play hockey or watch Monday night football with his brother while I did homework with the kids and then have the nerve to say, your always tired and never want to do anything. Yet in order for us to do anything I would have to plan it. I would have to find the movie and the time and the theater and the babysitter. He wouldn't make any plans except "let's go watch football at the sports restaurant and drink beer with his obnoxious friends.  By the way I had to close my business to take care of the kids and run a business that interested him. Yes it was profitable but I did all the business part of the job while he went out in the field to do the work. I enabled him to accomplish what he needed to do at work but I never got support with the family or if it had anything to do with me. I AM not Even allowed to be tired after a long day. Does anyone else think he's selfish?

[anacyde]

Selfish, yes.  Abusive seems harsh.

[AnnieBrooke]

That kind of stereotyped gender roles are pretty unfair overall.  You're doing the typical female role, and though it is a role that entitles the male to leave a lot of the scut work to the female, he probably feels put upon by the implicit demand to be the main financial provider.  You've behaved this way for a while and by now he expects you to behave this way.  This is why a lot of couples divorce when the kids are done with high school, frankly.  A lot of women put up with this kind of thing because they wanted kids more than their husband did, and the implicit blackmail is that if the woman complains, he might say the kids were all her idea in the first place so she should just suck it up.

I think I would see how you feel about him once the kids are out of the house and you don't have to take care of as many people as you do right now.  What you are doing right now is not just physically tiring, it is emotionally tiring.  Once the last one goes, sit him down and say that you would like to talk to the fun guy you married, not to the lazy, entitled guy who has been hanging around lately.  Lay out that you will do x, y and z of the chores, and expect him to learn to do a, b and c.  Then explain this will get some fun going for you two as a couple.  Then see how it goes.

which he expects and you haven't told him early on, that he has no right to expect it.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Ah, sorry, the last line was supposed to have erased.  It was from the thought that he expects you to behave this way by now, and you didn't nip it in the bud early on by telling him that he really has no right to expect it.

[bingo411]

I have experienced something slightly similar recently.... What don't get is a) ur working too b) housework is work too c) only their mother would do that much/ all for them without complaining d) they need to take responsibility for themselves instead of living off the effort of others even if they r working... Unless he is working a lot of overtime he needs to stop being arrogant and start caring about, not almost " abusing" u...- after having had to do all for my Ex for a while and him not appreciating but instead just critiquing I would have tom say it ismabuse...if nothing u do Is ever enough...


My five cents ;)

[AnnieBrooke]

Here is a quote from Ashley Judd:  "Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges, inter alia, the interests of boys and men over the integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women."  One way to fight this sense of entitlement your husband has built from you both participating in a patriarchial game is to stop rewarding it.  Good luck.

[mammo]

He is being selfish but you've enabled this behavior by not asking him to help.  It sounds like you are trying to be "super mom" when you need some help.  You need to speak with him about taking on more responsibility, but it's going to be difficult to change after this long for both of you.  There is no reason you should be doing so much more than him...you're not his slave nor are you a super mom.  Learn to say "no" and delegate some of this to your husband and allow the children to help where they can.  When you have all the kids at your house it's your job to say when the party will be over ahead of time, so all the parents know when to pick up their kids.  I wish you all the best.

[overopiates]

U r doing too much,he isnt helping or appreciating all u do.U need to talk to him.as said its been going on a long time so it wont be easy for him to change his ways but u basically have to tell him he has no choice.Saying its abuse is too much though.Yeah u did kinda create a monster but think about u created the situation so u have to kill that monster so to speak(not him though lol)

[overopiates]

Oh if u dnt try to fix this now u will end up hating him,divorcing and being bitter w/o telling him&giving him a chance to change which isnt fair

[overopiates]

U r doing too much,he isnt helping or appreciating all u do.U need to talk to him.as said its been going on a long time so it wont be easy for him to change his ways but u basically have to tell him he has no choice.Saying its abuse is too much though.Yeah u did kinda create a monster but think about u created the situation so u have to kill that monster so to speak(not him though lol)