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Is There Any Chance She Might Come Back?

Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband - they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.
Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true.

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

We met up for a drink just over a month ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since - 45 days no contact today actually. She messaged me the night after ending it with 'You ok?' and I didn't reply and a couple of weeks ago tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. the next couple of weeks are going to be tough as we had planned to go away on holiday but now I'm wondering what she's doing and who she is with as her ex-husband is away for two weeks with the kids.

I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point again? I don't know what I'll do if she does.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, please let this thing go.  Honestly, she sounds a hot mess with her life and her choices.  Newly broken up with her husband but living with him is a massive red flag  Her dating style so soon after, etc.  I would say she has a lot to work out on her end. She was never fully available emotionally for you.  
  
Do not contact her.  She's made things pretty clear.  Until the next tie she has no one else to call and needs her ego stroked.

Maybe in a different time in life and under different circumstances you two could have had a relationship but this is now and it's never going to happen. The baggage now aren't her kids . . . But the baggage becomes what happened between the both of you. Honestly, could you ever trust her or feel comfortable with her again?

And friends when one 'has fallen' won't work.  It would only work until you found someone you loved and then she couldn't handle it and be hurt and try to be more than friends with you again to make sure you only had eyes for her. It's way one sided and strokes her ego.  And you also would be miserable pining for her while under the guise of friends.  So you are right, friends won't work.


So, since it is painful, cut all ties as you have.  And do not repeat the pattern of accepting a woman who still lives with her ex and after a fair amount of time is going out meeting men, not willing to be your girlfriend, etc.  Sometimes we block our own happiness subconsciously by choosing people we can't really have a relationship with.  Even though we feel we want it, things were kind of screwy with this set up from day one.  

You deserve better and I want you to have it.  good luck
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1 Comments
Thank you for your reply and I know you are right and I have to let go, I have not contacted and have no intention to. I feel I am doing better than I was in the weeks after she ended it although still think about her a lot.

I do think in that final month before she ended things she did mess me around and probably saw me as a backup in a sense which is why she kept me going for so long even though she obviously wasn't feeling it and was texting other men. She was probably doing that until she felt she had reached the stage that she wanted to be physical with someone else I guess.

I guess it was the first 4 months that were amazing, I have never been showered with that much love, attention and affection before. I honest thought she truly loved me.

Even the final month when she was texting other guys she said she had never met anyone who cared for her as much as I did and she didn't think it was possible to have a boyfriend who was also her best friend. I guess those could all just be words though from being in a mid-life crisis, the rebound or she perhaps is fairly far along the narcissist spectrum.

I feel stupid that I sent her so many insecure messages about her being on whatsapp a lot and taking so long to reply to me. In a way I wonder if my neediness contributed to her losing what she once felt for me?

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was the name I saw with a few kisses. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, alpha male and a complete bigot with the stuff he posts.

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final messages to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.
Avatar universal
Well despite doing so much better over the last few weeks and months, I did something I shouldn’t have done out of curiosity and had a look at her Facebook page.

I saw a photo of her with another guy from a month, or so ago, they are quite clearly a couple, and it must be pretty serious as she had gone on holiday to the Caribbean with him along with her kids.

I assume they would have got together fairly soon after we broke up like four months would be a fairly short amount of time to introduce a new partner to your children, let alone go on holiday with them I would have thought.

Anyway, I am still doing ok, guess I’m just a little sad about it. In a way, it might help me get the closure I’ve needed as she’s clearly moved on and isn’t coming back.
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