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Avatar universal

Need advice!!!!

Hi everyone,

This is a long one....
My ex boyfriend/fiance of 12 years broke up with me and moved on in a matter of weeks with his 20 year old coworker. He is 32 years old. We had been fighting on and off for a few months before the final breakup in January where he actually moved to another room in the house. We've been talking this out for 2 months now as I have had to continue living with him (we live with his parents) due to winter weather, my job, packing etc. I am originally from a different state 4 hours away and moved here to be with him over 10 years ago. Everything I have is here and I am still in love with him. I have tried everything to get him to come back but he claims he had been getting over me since September all while still sleeping next to me and doing everything normally with me. He slowly got to ween himself off of me for months even while obviously looking for a replacement for me then left me to be utterly alone and start from scratch. Since the breakup he has turned to alcohol, drugs, partying, sleeping around, not coming home etc. Leaving his family and I to worry about him. It has literally been unbearable for me to watch the person I love do all of this which is completely the opposite of how he's always been and flaunting it on my face while I'm not even able to function because he is gone. The most hurtful thing about it all is that he promised me he would not bring any women around the house for the couple of months until I move out and he basically moved this new girl in. She is here almost every night and I have to watch the person I love move on in the room right next me. He then told me he never said he wouldn't do this but even if he did he's not putting his life on hold for me. He swears he did not cheat on me or even "look at her like that" until we broke up officially but I know otherwise. It's like I'm watching them have the same relationship we had. He takes her to the same places they sit and watch TV like we did he talks the same way to her it's torture. He is also very pushy with me about us remaining friends and even keeps pushing me to hang out with him and his new girlfriend constantly even though he knows how upsetting this all is for me. I feel like he almost is trying to hurt me on purpose but then he will be nice and come talk to me or take me for coffee etc. He was my first and only boyfriend we've been together since we were 18. I am in therapy and have tried everything possible to get over him and try to move on but I relapse constantly. My biggest issue is that I am unclear on the best place for me to go to actually move on. He thinks I should stay here and find an apartment or roommate and just live here and see him as friends once in a while. I do like my job and my coworkers also don't want me to leave and I feel like I'm letting them down by leaving. My family is in my home state and want me to come back home and get away from him to try to heal. My third option is moving very far away to Florida (I'm in the northeast right now) with other family and go to school, get a job and start over somewhere I have never been. I am terrified to make this choice and I don't know what would be best for me. I do like where I'm at now but I only have my coworkers and his family here and I know if I stay here it would probably be for the wrong reasons as I would be hoping he would come back if I'm still here even after everything he did to me. Florida sounds great but it's a huge move and I'm scared that it's too far away and I won't like it. I don't have alot of time to make the decision and I'm panicking. Any advice would be so helpful. I am stuck. I feel like I can't let go of him and move on. We were best friends and literally did everything together. Same days off, same hobbies, everything. He was my entire life and I can't picture my life without him. It hurts so bad seeing him moving on so fast and not caring about my feelings when I was so important to him for all of these years. I feel like I am addicted to him and I only feel better when I see him but it also makes it worse afterward if that makes sense. That is why it's so hard to decide where to move from here. I can't eat, I can't sleep I am just stuck crying all the time and thinking about what I could have done differently, why he's doing this and how I'm going to live without him never seeing him again. I'm sorry this was so long this is my first time ever posting in a forum. Thank you and literally any advice is welcome!
5 Responses
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Avatar universal
Geninifeed,
I can honestly tell you I know exactly how you feel. For some reason I got on here today and saw your post.  Let me start by telling you. I was with my ex-wife since 1996. Got married in 1997 and was married for over 18 ½ years. All in all together for 20 years. We have three sons.  I can say this. A lot of the blame is on me but it takes two to make it work.  There was no infidelity on either side. Just the arguments got to be too much.   Long story I saw my life and marriage crumbling and there was nothing I could do. Today almost three years later I’m single and I believe she still is. I love her with all my heart but she doesn’t respond to anything. Letters or roses or anything goes unanswered. She refuses to speak to me and everything is via email.  I written her letter ]s that if you were to read them you would cry.  I am remorseful for the way I spoke to her and I’ve told her I haven’t been with anyone because I still loved her and want her back.  All I hear is birds chirping.  It’s pains me but what can I do.  Everyday is a battle for me.

You are exactly where I am at. Stuck. You’re still young and you will find someone as everyone says.  I’m 50 years old and yes I can find someone but it’s hard when the person you thought you would grow old with doesn’t want to work on trying.  I know in my heart I love her with all I have and I tell your sons this.  

As for you one day he will realize what he lost I hope.  Keep your chin up and try to move on. And btw Florida is beautiful. I moved here in 2004. Maybe you need a change of scenery. May God bless you and keep you. I will pray for you I promise. It is the most painful I feel one can go through.  
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3 Comments
Thank you so much! You don't know how much I appreciate your response and prayers. I will pray for you also. You are very strong for going through that and I know every day is a struggle. This is definitely the most painful thing imaginable but we will make it through because we have to. Florida seems to be where I'm heading and hopefully I will enjoy it as much as you do. Thanks again!!
You are welcome. And thank you for your prayers.  I just sem[not my ex-wife a long letter. I can say this if you were to read it you would come to tears. No one knows the pain I go through.  But I say this to you the day you marry make sure you are willing to make it work and place God in the center or it will not work any other way. Trust me. Florida again is nice. I’m in the Tampa area.  Just be cautious in all you do. He in reality doesn’t deserve you especially if you have shown to him how much you love him.  He will learn one day. You could be my daughter so I give you advice as if you were yet I don’t even know you.  As I said I have three sons. 20, 17 and 10.  And it has been the hardest thing for me. Just this weekend my youngest saw me cry in front of him and asked me. Would you marry my mom again if she asked. And I said to him bud at the drop of a dime. I want them to know that dad messed up with his words when we argued but I always loved and still love their mom.  Friends tell me to move on easier said then done. How do you move on when you still love someone else?  It’s not fair to that other person. Never felt this way not even for my first love when I was young.  When someone comes into your life and touches your heart in a certin way. You know. And she touched my heart 23 years ago when we were dating. 2 months into our dating and I can tell you there was no intimacy at that time yet.  Go figure.  Take care of yourself and Godspeed.  Keep,your head up you have your entire life ahead of you. God bless you. I promise you I will pray for,you.
Again sorry for the typos. Meant to say a letter I sent to my ex-wife.   I hate typos.  Take care.
Avatar universal
My apologies for the typos. Typing on my phone.  
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I really feel for you.  Wow, that's hard  I can't imagine having to sit and watch it.  He's borderline cruel for doing that to you.  Know this, without any gap between you and her, it probably won't last.  Rarely would it under those circumstances.

I think you need to get out of that house as soon as possible for your own emotional state.  That's just too much.  If you can rent somewhere or move in and pay rent somewhere in your current town, that might be a good in between thing to do.  Moving to other cities/states is a big move and you don't want to just hop around.  I know people who go far away to 'start over' but it is too much.  You need some down time in a safe place to just get your head together.  

If he is partying, drinking, womanizing, etc. . . .   you are going to be happier without him.  This is fresh so it doesn't 'seem that way now but it will. give it time.

So, I'd try to stay put for a while, keep your income and then line up something BEFORE you move so that you are secure and not just running away.

I send you cyber hugs.  This is a really hard time in your life.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  I wanted to check in and see how things are going?  Any updates?
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Avatar universal
This faze he is going through will run out you need to let him go and I can assure you when you do down the line he will come back , by that time I hope you met someone who sees your worth
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