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Raped while broken up with my fiance, should I tell him?

My fiance and I broke up about a month ago. We still talk we still actually had hope for the future.  Our relationship has always been really rocky and we knew we had problems. He moved out and has been doing his own thing, trying to "do me" as he puts it.  He hangs out with girls and flirts and everything, but has said he hasn't been with anyone.  I've avoided situations like that because I didn't want to do that or be there.  Fast forward to this last weekend. Met a girlfriend and decided to go out dancing. At the end of the night I invited several people guys and girls back to my house for an after party. We drank until 7 am. I was flirting with someone and even somehow started talking about oral sex.  I don't know why I went into my room with him. I didn't really want to do anything, I just liked the attention.  Next thing I know my pants are off and he's on top of me.  I told him over and over to stop that I didn't want to do this. All he kept saying was that it was ok. I continued to tell him to stop. I was even in tears, crying and begging him to stop, I open my eyes and he is staring at my face and in my eyes telling me, "it's ok baby girl, you're ok"  It most definitely wasn't ok. For almost an hour he raped me, I even fell on the floor, where he made me understand that he was almost done, like it was going to be over soon. I know that I put myself in that horrible situation. But it didn't give him the right to violate me.  I was so sick, he didn't leave my place for hours, like he was trying to make sure I wasn't going to report it, but continued to try and justify his actions.  I did go to the ER for a rape kit, I don't know if I have the strength to press charges...but right now. All I can't think about is if I betrayed my ex fiance?  Should I tell him what I went through?  I'm afraid he is going to think that I put myself in that situation and that I'm damaged and he will never look at me the same, that he is just going to run.  I don't know what to do.  I really don't want anyone to know. I don't want people to look at me differently.  
3 Responses
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  I'm very sorry for this.  I never think it is okay for a woman to be put in a position that she can't get out of --  and a man having sex with her.  That is terrible.  Have you thought of going to the authorities?  I know that you made some risky choices in this situation==  and deeply regret that.  I'm sorry that it turned out the way it did.  Being drunk and giving mixed messages/signals isn't an excuse for having your NO ignored when you state it clearly.  

Well, here is the thing.  Should you tell him?  That you have to wonder if he is going to be mad or look at your different is telling that this isn't a good guy to be with.  That you have all sorts of problems in the relationship, that you are on break and while he's not having sex, he IS with other women in other ways, etc. --  personally, I'd move on.  You need a kind, sensitive and loving person in your life and it doesn't sound like it is this boyfriend.  

Just my 2 cents.  Again, very sorry for the situation.  I don't think it matters if you tell him or not as he sounds like he isn't boyfriend material one way or the other.  If he reacts badly---  you should be further convinced he is not worthy of you.  good luck sweetie
134578 tn?1517087675
Take back your power and report him to the police.  It was date rape, if not rape pure and simple, since you said "No" over and over and cried.  Talk to a lawyer as well.  

If you don't, this is the kind of thing he will do again and again.  How would you feel if you found out he did this to someone even less equipped than you are to bring him to justice, and she learned that you'd had it happen and hadn't reported it because you were afraid of what might happen in your ex relationship?  If this ex of yours cannot understand what occurred as a violation of you, he is no person for you.
1912569 tn?1485019529
I am sorry this happened to you. First...this is not your fault, there is no way you would have known that he would do this to you. Please be gentle with yourself... I went through a similar experience and I blamed myself for a long time, 13 years to be exact. You did the right thing and voiced yourself, he heard you loud and clear and chose to do the opposite.

As far as worrying about what the ex will think...his opinion does not matter. This happened to you not him. Worry about getting yourself safe, happy and thriving. Like someone else commented. If he does react negatively or tries to blame you then that is a confirmation that you should not be with this person and that he does not support you. Don't waste your time worrying about his happiness when essentially he is the only one that can get there. Something horrible happened to you so worry about your happiness, it will help you get back up so that you can live your life again and again no matter what happens.

One thing that has helped me is the 90 year box. I draw out 90 small boxes and cross out the years that have already passed. It looks like there aren't that many boxes left...think about it. I wish you well and hope for the best for you.
1 Comments
silenteyes, thanks for that great post.  I hope you come back and post some more!
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