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Shell I leave my wife and get divorce or continue my life pretending ?

We are married for over 15 years now, we have 2 daughters 14 and 11. The point is I had some bad decisions back in my life, so when I choose to marry I chose with my mind only. Honestly there were many things uncommon between us. I thought by time she might change, but she didn't.
To be honest, I did things I am not proud off. I had some affairs and she caught me couple of times and it hurt her so bad. I feel that I would do it again because my mind is set but my heart is still searching. She is nice, increasable mom to my daughters, polite. But our thoughts and personalities are different and I DON'T LOVE HER also I don't hate her. My question is. Shell I continue in my marriage and in pretending of loving her as I used to do the past 15 years, or be a man and honest with her and ask for a divorce. Note till now she doesn't feel anything or even there is a problem.
4 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thanks for reaching out to us.  It is quite a dilemma and I personally appreciate that you have thoughtfully asked it. You are in a position in which, to be honest, I'd wait.  Your kids will be gone VERY soon.  It may not seem like it but they will.  I have a 14 year old and a 15 year old.  I have three more years with one and four with the other. Then they are likely leaving for college and to start their lives.  Can you make it that long?  I ask because it can be so disruptive to divorce.  Their mom is probably going to be very hurt, again.  And they are heading into vulnerable years in which having mom AND dad around all the time is probably best. Teen years, a lot of mistakes can be made by kids.  You want life have as little chaos in it as possible.  

I do understand though.  If you can not hold of a few years until your daughters are in a different place, work very hard to avoid what happens to many.  That back and forth bickering between parents.  

My parents divorced.  One of the worst things I remember of my teen years, to be honest. You are human and have to do what is best for you and no judgement on my part!  I promise.  But you are so close to a time in which it will be less of an ordeal for your kids.  
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, I sure hope you come back and let me know how you are doing!
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1 Comments
Honestly, I am at rock bottom. I feel that my head is squeezed between return to pretending to make life more easier and stable for the girls and through in the towel and sit with her plan for what's next. There is a third opinion I have heard, to simulate the separation for a while like 3-4 months, but to take it serious and simulate it as real. I mean to rent an apartment and furnish it, to be supportive for the girls and for her. To start looking seriously for another partner for real relationship. May be I find it a bad idea and I miss my old comfort zone and this will help me to over come the negative thoughts and start to be convenes myself with what I had, and this will help to resume and the old feelings. OR I find this life more relaxing and less stress and probably find another partner, Then taking the divorce won't be that hard because we are already half way through.
Actually, I don't know and its extremely difficult to decide which path to go.
20880684 tn?1561323386
Hi!
That a very hard question.
You should rhink:Am i happy?
If not,it doesn't metter,i wouldn't work.
You must think about yourself and make evrythink best for you.
There are so many possibilities to find somebody like dating sites or you can met your soul mate at the brackfast in the reaturant.
take it easy,don't pretend,be yourself and speak with her!
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, still so hard.  Is it an option to wait until your kids are completely gone?  That is such a great transition time for big things like this. Do the trial separation then?  Your last child will be on with her life in her own big transition and notice so much less. (I'm saying her, but his life if that applies).  My parents separated when I left for college.  I think that was easier for me than to be there for the whole process and heartache that inevitably goes along with it. Even then, when home for summer and my dad wasn't paying a bill and my mom was upset, I called him complaining and inserted myself!  No matter what, kids feel what is going on.  Can you be a companion for a few more years?  You loved her enough at one point to make two kids.  

But it is hard to know what is right.  I'm sure you wouldn't want your kids to be in this kind of relationship and frankly, your wife definitely deserves someone faithful to her and someone who loves her and doesn't feel like life is bad to be with her.  :>)  She deserves that very much just as you also deserve to be happy.  And your kids need to see healthy, happy relationships so they have a better chance at creating one themselves down the road.

It just gets so complicated as kids go through the process with their parents.  I'd make it as amicable as possible and keep strife to a minimum if you go through it. And know that the 'finding a new partner' part is always difficult on kids.  2 percent of relationships last when their are kids involved because of all the turmoil involved.  New partners don't feel like their new significant other should spend money on the old spouse's lifestyle (spousal support) and complain, or even the kids (child support).  They may not like your kids.  I have two kids age 14 and 15 and those are not the most charming ages.  A new partner would be meeting them when they are highly selfish which is developmentally correct and may decide that they don't wan the to come over or you spend too much time with them, etc.  We read it all the time here.  So, you'll have to be careful for that and tread lightly. Again, your kids will be out of the house soon enough and then you have free reign to do as you please.  

But you really seem like a level headed and consciousness person.  You aren't going to hurt your kids on purpose, I can tell and will do your best in this process.  I trust you.  If your instinct says it is better for all to be apart or test being apart, I trust you on that.  Let us know how it goes!
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