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1894410 tn?1364193655

What are men thinking when they leave after 30 years married.

I was very happly married for 30 years and one day my husband just said I not in love with you anymore, I had no idea he was unhappy. I am crushed and I seem to walk around in circles all day thinking why? How could this happen, I think he is sleeping with the 22 year tart two doors down. He is very cold and angry to me know, I wonder what he is thinking, if there are any men out there who have been through this please explain what is going on. My husband lost his dad 1 year ago and I thought he was just sad, I tried to talking to him but nothing.  He drinks a lot now and smokes which he never did. The girl he is hanging around already has a child to some man and she drinks a lot and smokes and she has very little friends because she tends to sleep with friends partners. I am confused people say it is a mid life crisis (he is 47). So do I wait for him? When do I contact him? Or do I wait for him to contact me? Will he get over this? Do I move on with my life without him? If anyone can give me any information I would appreciate it....Thanks
23 Responses
Avatar universal
Have you tried asking him what he is thinking?  Maybe you could ask when he isn't drinking and in his right mind.  As far his dad dying, (this is just an opinion based on years of working with people in customer service and teaching sunday school) he may use this as a reason for doing what he is doing but more than likely it has been on his mind awhile. For myself, I would rather die than hurt my wife so all I can do is offer an opinion.  The best person to answer your question (for yourself) is you and your husband. Let me say I am sorry this has happened to you and I really hope it all works in the end.
Avatar universal
I don't think another man is going to be able to tell you exactly what your husband is thinking; only he can do that, which he is not doing.  

I wouldn't chase him down and let him come to you when and if he is ready to tell you EXACTLY what is going on with him.  

I am not sure if he is doing all this purely out of depression r/t dad's death or he is having a midlife crisis triggered by his dad's death.  It is apparent his dad's death plays an important part in this.  

If he calls or contacts you, LET HIM TALK and don't grill him with "this or that."  

Definitely don't think you should be "sitting" around waiting for him though.  I would definitely recommend you seek counseling ASAP for your own well-being and sanity.  

Do you have family and/or friends to help you through this?
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Oh, I'm just SO terribly sorry.  That must really be beyond painful.  

My dad left my mom after 25 years of marriage and hooked himself up to a 22 year old woman.  (amazing how many of us can have similar stories, isn't it?).  My mother was in her 40's and just couldn't believe it.  They did have issues in the last years of marriage, I must say.  But she still fell apart when he left.  And the added sting of having him go straight to a younger woman.  Talk about crushing one's confidence, ego and belief in happy endings.  She was lost and scared.  It was hard on the entire family, to be honest.  

I've thought a lot about why my dad left.  I'm sure there are things I'll never know.  My parents married very young in their teens.  You must have as well if you were married for 30 years and he is 47.  My dad is a brilliant man----  he spent his college years working all night in a factory to support his family (my mom and sister and then me) while going to school during the day on scholarship.  He graduated with a perfect 4.0 and went on to get his masters while still working at night.  But . . . he didn't go to the university of his choice.  He lost those 'youthful' years due to being married so young and having kids and major responsibilities.  His career blossemed and took off but I believe that he always felt like he 'missed' out on something by the choices he  made due to family so young and resented my mom for it.  Ugh.  It hurts just writing it as if that was HER fault!!  But that played a role.  He also never valued marriage as she did nor was he as religious.  All factoring into the equation.  Then a young woman paid attention to him and he just lost his head.  They married and are now long divorced as well.  

But that is just my own dad.  I don't know what caused your husband to leave.  

I would highly recommend that you start some counseling for yourself to work through the emotions.  

Sometimes, the cheater will decide to come back and that is for you to decide if you want him back if that becomes your situation.  But in the mean time, you take care of YOURSELF.  Work out plans for your finances and do not allow him to bully you in anyway about that.  Support is common in the states and you get what you are entitled to .  If you have kids, keep the ins and outs of this away from them.  I was in college when my parents divorced and knew way too much.  It has made me always side with my mother.  It did do damage to my relationship with my father.  I just tell you this----------  he is clearly the bad guy-----  and your kids will know that.  But try not to bring them into the issues.  

Again, I'm so sorry and am here if you ever need to 'talk'.  Peace.
1894410 tn?1364193655
Thankyou for your kind words, they have helped, I stay very neutral when it comes to my kids and they see their father for what he is doing. I have no contact with him and we had to go to a family thing and he sat away from the kids and this hurt the kids, however we still had a great night and the kids do not know who this man is...and I dont know who his is now.  I look at him and I dont feel anything anymore, I have councelling once a week and I have great friends and the kids dont talk about him and we are having a great time...I know I will never know why because he hates me very much and he tells the kids how bad I am all the time and they hate it.  I say sorry for him and they tell me to stop saying sorry for him I have done it for the last 30 years.  I know I will be ok, because I was the strong one in the family and I am looking forward to my future and every day this goes on there is less chance of him being in it. You sound like a very strong and together person so I have hope. Thankyou again and I wish you all the happiness in the world.
1894410 tn?1364193655
I have tried asking him in a calm way, but he said I was boring and he loved me but not in love with me. He blames me for everthing that has gone wrong in his life, I know he thinks he let his father down but his father loved him very much but he doesnt believe me. He talks to me in a very cold voice and there is nothing in his eyes. He said he wants to be selfish for a while and he is sick of looking after the family, I dont understand because I am the money earner and I have always been the one there for the kids. But I know he doesnt have any idea because he changes his story all the time. I must say I am tried of his cop out attitude his is trying hard to get the kids to hate me and it is having the opposite effect, becasue I dont say anything bad about him to the kids. I just tell them it is our problem not theirs. He refuses to talk anymore....so I do not contact him at all....I dont know if this is right....
1894410 tn?1364193655
Yes I have counselling once a week and I have great friends who supports me and the kids have me and family supporting him, my husband doesnt talk to any of the old friends he just has his girl and her father. Her father is the one who brews his beer from him. So he thinks they are wonderful but he is a very negative person, I do worry about him being alone. But then it was his choice. I am getting stronger everyday and I am starting to enjoy my life alone. I do have sad days but they are getting less. I have a great lawyer and I the separation will be hard. He doesnt have a lawyer yet. I honestly dont know what to think anymore so I dont bother anymore, but I still wake up at 3 am thinking of him.....I want him out of my head.Thankyou for your comment.
Avatar universal
Can't imagine how hard this must be for you.  I think it will get easier and easier as time goes on.  Sounds you got the support you need.  

Keep us posted.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
One other thing to keep track of dear is your own mental health.  A situation like this can trigger depression in the best of us.  As you say you have night time waking------------  well that is natural during extremely stressful times-----  but if it continues and you notice other symptoms, it would be good to talk to your doctor to get some help with it.  

You sound like you are in that tweener stage of being sad and grieving this relationship while also seeing that you may not really want this man anymore anyway.  You'll have good days and bad days.  Get through this as best you can---- stay busy and close to those who support you.  

Yes, keep us posted and we'll all be cheering you on.  Peace.
1894410 tn?1364193655
Thankyou, I am definitely having good days and bad, I have seen a doctor and he has given pills to help sleep. I dream about him all the time, it is driving me crazy, I just want him out of my head...He is talking down to the kids about me and I have kept playing nice but it is hard. I have done nothing to this man for him to hate me so much...I know I am getting stronger everyday and your kind words help...I wonder now long it takes to get him out of my mine for good....it is the worst part, I dont want to think about him but my mind is always thinking about him....is there something wrong with me......
1907286 tn?1322064359
I've recently been experiencing a siminlar situation.  32 yrs of marriage. Mostly good, there's been difficulties, but they were mostly from business prolblems.  Four months ago he became infatuated with my 44 year old niece.  For a little while i was patient but then one day when i asked him about his attachment to her, he became very angry and told me he wasn't going to give up his relationship with her and i had no right to tell him who he could have for a "friend".  She lives in Las Vegas (6hrs drive from here) Eventually, after lies, deceptions, etc. he started going there more and more.  He told me that he didn't love me anymore, hadn't for a long time and couldn't stand to be around me, i was boring, and "unattractive".  I filed for divorce and he was happy about it.  I realize the symptons of the "mid live crisis" but i don't see the logic in waiting it out.  I love him and always wi
1894410 tn?1364193655
Some people have told me to wait it out, he will come to his senses. But why should we, we have dedicated our whole life to him and give him everything just for him to walk away. What if he comes back, do we wonder if he will stay, is he seeing anyone, are we good enough to keep him....HELL NO he is not good enough for us....it is very hard at the moment we are going through our own hell....but remember this is a great time to get us together, time for us to love ourselfs again...be happy in your own skin. That is what I was like when we meet and I am now insecure about how I look and feel. So now it is all about me I want to get back my happy confident self and I know people will flock to me because I am happy and confident....it will take a while but that is ok....we deserve to take as long as we need. .. Good luck with your journey to find true happiness.
Avatar universal
You know, everyone here has a ligit reason to be depressed, sad, lost, etc...losing a longtime spouse is a shock and there is much much confussion over the "Whys" of it all. Women know that at some point in thier later years, their biological clocks stop ticking, menapause happens and suddnely, they dont want sex, thier bodies change, thier personalities change etc.. Women are lucky enough to have this laid out beofre them from early on in thier lives. For men however, the youthfull half of our lives ends before 50. We are suddenly caught in a reality that we really are going to keep getting older, not younger. We will have a loss in libido, drive, extra fat we cant seem to lose, and a realization that our married lives are no longer fresh, spontaneous and lacking in rommance. Hence why Midlife-crisis men suddenly find what thye have, a wife thye know very well, a predictible daily rountine lacking in newness, excitement, is now routinely boring. We long to feel young again, we werent supposed to get old! So we suddenly and instantly ( logical man) drop what we have for what we need. A younger woman, a new life, a fresher rommantic lifestyle with another woman. Someone we can impress and not get that same, disapproval look form over the dinner table, someone new we can prove what a provider we can be for them, someone new to make us essentially, feel young again with. If you think about it, at least the wives left behind, have always had the benefit of knowing what thier older years had in store for them. For us midlifer guys, we cant except it over night when we get shocked into the reality of getting old and being older. So as hard as this will sound, cut us some slack. In the end, you may have lost a husband you didnt want to lose. BUt we men seldom end up with what we really want or need and usually, are rash decisions are to blame. Talk about not being fair! Becuase we are so ill prepaired for this transition, we self destruct our lives hoping we create a more youthful one. No body really wins including the husband that left. I know becuase im going through it myself. I have a huge crush on this coworker and i want badly to pursue it but I doubt I will. I am 46 feeling panicked about being older now, I miss romance I used to have in my marriage. My life is predictable and I feel trapped. Maybe ill get through this but I really feel like im going to die without having really lived. Hope this helps some of you in some small way at least.
1894410 tn?1364193655
I really appreciate your comments it is good to get a mans veiw...I one thing that makes me upset the most through all this is no having a choice in this...I really try to understand this....but he gave me no choice in a divorce, I was willing to try anything new, I begged for a month until our son finished finals....but he didnt give his family an option to work through this...everyone tells me....this is not him let him go and have his fling with the 22 year old and in 6 months he will want his life back....because he will not like his new life....but how can I go back there....when I look at him I feel sick....he left me in deft and empty our bank account and took all the money....I had to borrow money off the kids to find a house....this was a very low point for me....my kids want me to be the happy mom I have always been...and I try....But I sit there and wonder what he is thinking....does he think of me at all...does he think of the life we had together....I just have no answers....please talk me and tell me what you are feeling and maybe I can help you through this stage....kindly Linda
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is a very old thread.  Original poster is long gone.  And to me it is very funny to give advice to have a make over.  ha ha, that's hilarious.  
Avatar universal
You have help so much I'm going through a divorce after 30 yrs and my husband lost his really job and then his dad a week later and he was there and seen him die. Then in August he broke his leg and went to live with his mom because I do daycare and they said I could take care of him
Avatar universal
As a man married for 30 years and now ready to give my wife the "news" that I'm leaving her, I can only tell you that its seldom a one way issue, and not always the "bad" or irrational man victimizing the poor woman. In my case, the woman acted like she either ddnt know how to make me feel like she loved me, or she didnt love me and didnt care to pretend.  She replaced joy and affection with chores probably in order to avoid me, in retrospect.  I felt undesirable, taken for granted  etc but in retrospect it was probably that she didnt really like me that much, and was very loyal to her promise to be faithful and remain with me. So, unfortunately, the marriage became nothing more than a charade of stubbornness, business, a  list of chores and very little joy or fun together. So. Sure I wish things were different, but in the end when I move out, our sadness wont be that she cares that Im not there,  it will be that she doesnt believe I did it.  
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Well, an unhappy marriage is a sad thing.  I would imagine that your wife may have miserable in her screen name too and perhaps have the same joy you have at starting a new life.  I can't imagine this wasn't a situation of both parties being unhappy.  So, I wish you both the best.  
Avatar universal
Have you ever thought about talking to her?  My husband of 30 years just made the decision himself and I did not have a clue.  It would have been nice to know that I was doing something wrong or that he was unhappy.  He just decided not to inform me.  Now I sit here (4 years later) and am afraid to put my heart back out there again because my husband was the love of my life and I trusted him with my life, and he decided to turn his back on me. I lay in bed every night wondering what it was that I did wrong.  Or was it just that he had someone else and every little thing I did he was tearing apart?  I will never know, and I dont want to go through the rest of my life alone, but because I am now afraid that every man will do the same thing to me, I cant put myself  back out there.  My family is upset because they tell me to just try the waters, but they dont understand the fear that it will happen again.  

Avatar universal
Hi,I'm in the same situation as my husband left me after 27 years together a few days ago. He had changed towards me over the last year really, didn't want to come near me, not even a hug. To be honest I think he has someone else as all he's done is lie to me and continually deny that he's lying about where he's been, even when I've found him out. We've been through so much together and have 3 wonderful children.  He was the love of my life and I'm broken hearted, devastated.  I can't blame you for not wanting to be with another man and the thought of going through this again is unbearable.  I don't to be on my own for the rest of my life I'm only 49, that could be another 40 years. It's helps to know I'm not alone in this. All I can think is its a midlife crisis that men in their 40s,  50s seem to have or their just selfish bastards! This is he'll on earth though....
Avatar universal
Boy this thread has had quite a long lifespan hasn't it? Just goes to show what a heart-wrenching subject this is. I find myself in a similar situation. I'm the man who, after 29 married years, wants to leave. But I'm married to a great partner who says I'm the love of her life. There's no abuse, or even many arguments, but I feel nothing for her. We've tried counseling. She's now a partner and a roommate, and we co-parent our two grown boys. We watch TV together, that's it. - - My biggest fear is that I'll never experience love or romantic connection again. The thought that I'll just have 30 more years of this. I don't think I can do it, but I'm weighed down with guilt for feeling the way I do.
1 Comments
Leave, you owe it to yourself and to her to be honest. She deserves a man who loves her, you deserve a woman who loves you that you love back. Life is short. No one needs to be a phony. People change. Move on, but be honest. Honesty is respected by all, in time. Don't lie and don't be mean, just be truthful. No one needs to sacrifice their lives for another when the in love is gone. It's a two-way street, not just one. Find another that you love who loves you in return and move on. We only live once. You both loved each other at one time, but people change, and most times they change and grow apart, through no fault of their own. Don't have an affair on the side, leave first, then meet someone.
Avatar universal
Updates?
Avatar universal
I dont understand this behavior. You are supposed to sow your oates when you are young. When you settle down its time to be responsible. I dated for 4 years to be sure. Then we got married 30 years ago. Are we on our honeymoon still? NO! But is there love and romance? You betcha.Its incumbent on both of you to work on keeping your self in shape at least to some extent. Take trips do what you are responsible to do. A man my age (mid 50's) has no business chasing after anyone of any age IF HE IS MARRIED! I got married and divorce is not in my vocabulary. Thats what I set out to do. My parents were volatile and always fighting. I wasnt going to subject my kids to that and I didnt. I am sorry but men need to be adults. There isnt any law that says if you missed out when you were young that you get to have a do over at 45 or 55. Do your job fulfill your responsibility and be a freaking adult for Christs sake. And oh by the way pray about what you are supposed to be doing instead of finding ways to violate families. (talking to men leaving of course)
1 Comments
Paul, you are an awesome guy. May the Lord continue to bless you and your wife. I was with my husband when he had nothing and stuck by his side. I brought him in to live with me a my 3 children cause he had nothing but a 1978 chevy pickup, that he use to sleep in, and only a few clothes. When my mom died my family and i had received settlement money after her death. I helped purchase a home with the money, gave my husband $10,000.00 to purchase a brand new truck. He started working and getting on his feet, and soon after i found out he was cheating. I approached him but he wasn't about to let go of his mistress, he made that clear. I didn't no what to do because i could barely hold on to a job because i suffer badly from anxiety and panic attacks. It was too much for me to handle and he was saying and doing things to pretty much push me out the door to bring her through the door. I left with only the clothes on my back. Waited around for 7 months to see if he would come after me, since he knew my whereabouts but he didn't. So i moved on after later finding out he went behind my back and not telling me once, although we spoke frequently over the telephone, that he was going to divorce me. He did just that by lying to the court telling them he didn;t no my whereabouts because he was too afraid i would get our home, that he moved the other woman in weeks after i left and changed the locks. I put it in Gods hand and let him have everything. It's been 10 years, the woman still lives with him. He tries to get close to my daughters now, who are not his kids, telling them how he miss me. I forgave him but i cut all ties off with him. He thinks i hate him by me doing so. He just asked for my friend request on facebook but he is still with that women and i have a man that is good to me so i don't give him the time of any day. I don't want to accept his freind request. Do anyone feel that I'm wrong for that?
Avatar universal
I can sympathize with the original poster, even though its been over 5 years ago.  My husband left me after 15 years, and it was purely an ego thing on his part.  That some young girl paid attention to him.  He gave her money and bought her a car to keep her, but in the end, that didn't work.  She moved on to another 20-something more suited for her.  Now my husband wants me back.  That will never happen.  The trust we had is gone.  Sad, but I feel I'm much better off alone.  I could never trust and love a man that did that to me.
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