I have been married for 27 years and dated my husband for 5 years before that. If you met him in the bar he frequents , you would find him charming, witty and would say he is a gentleman. He is intelligent, a "man's man" but can talk up a lady as well. He is a kind man but knowingly can be hurtful. He is a selfish man. But his passion is sports. Playing them, drinking after playing them, watching them, drinking after watching, them, talking and drinking while talking about them and never at home. He would 2 or 3 times a year, not come at all overnight having passed out at a friends place. There were many times that I would take him to get his car in the morning. There were many times that he shouldn't have been driving as he would have gotten an impaired driving charge. I do not think that he ever had an affair. He would think that would be dishonorable.
I, too when younger danced ballet & played sports. We were both jocks. We were both independent but enjoyed many of the same activities. We both loved music. I too, loved to go out and party and drink after a round of golf or a ball game. I, too had gotten falling down drunk.
After we married, we had 3 children. They are now 19, and twins 16.I had severe post partum depression after the birth of our twins. I was subsequently diagnosed as bipolar. We were blessed to have a nanny for a number of years. Our 16 year old boy, was diagnosed with Autism when he was 7. I don't really know if this in fact played an impact in it the downturn of our marriage or not. I don't know if many father's of children on the spectrum detach as they don't know what to do when the diagnosis is made. My husband left all of the "new language" and speech language pathology, play groups & IPP's to me. He got involved in driving or only if the situation was very serious at school. (We had a bullying situation)
I'm the artistic extrovert. I play & sing in a band. Teach dance. All of the kids are involved in music, dance theatre.
None of the kids are into any sports at all.
My diagnosis of bipolar have been an issue and I'm sure have contributed to the difficulties in communication as when I get depressed, I will get very quiet or sleep excessively. I am under the care of a psychiatrist and am med compliant. My husband's behaviour however is a stress and anxiety trigger for me. I've grown to be much more self reflective and grounded in dealing with my bipolar disorder.
My husband withdrew from not only me but also our family, I would say. He continued in his sports as if "we" had never happened. He continued to play sports 3-4 nights a week and a least one day on the weekend. Hockey, rugby, golf, skiing, curling etc. Days that he wasn't involved in sports, he stayed at the office until 6:00 or 7:00 p.m. to get caught up. Once home, he would be asleep on the couch downstairs within an hour.
We have not taken a vacation together in 9 years, a family vacation in 6 but he will take 5 day weekend golf or fishing junkets a few times a year for his holiday time.
Sexually, he has always wanted me, has always been satisfied. I however, have had difficulty getting aroused. My Dr. advises it may be a side effect of the medications but I find it difficult to be aroused with no emotional attachment.
We went to counselling 3 years ago as he won't open up, share intimacy, leaves me guessing at what's going on, what's wrong or is passive aggressive and leaves me with the majority of responsibility. He has difficulty with my mood swings and how I'm going to react. We work on skills to improve it Yes, he did contribute to household chores but as he was not there all of the parenting was done by me. For a short while, there were changes, then we slipped back into the same pattern. And yes, I let it happen.
This summer, my husband came home after golfing, very drunk. My autistic son, was very confused & scared at his dad's behavior and asked him..."Were bitten by a snake, or a bug or did you get hit on your head today, Dad?
And his dad answered "No, I have sunstroke", He stayed out another full night & missed coming home to stay with our son when I was booked to play a charity gig.
I did not want my children to learn that this was the way a marriage or a family was supposed to function. I did not want to spend the last part of my life being a "sports widow" to an absent alcoholic.
When I told him I wanted a divorce & told him why, he didn't say anything about our marriage except to say "This is what you want". He has not said anything else on an emotional level at all.
Is this normal?
Has anyone else experienced this? Since then, all three kids have decided to live with me. (Which may have an impact)