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Avatar universal

any advice appreciated

here it goes trying to keep it to the point...I have been married for 8 years and have one child and 5 months ago my husband had divorce papers sent to me at our front door...I knew we had issues and things werent great, but it was a big surprise that he actually went and did that. Most of our issues are about money...and a debt that I owe for gambling from 2 years ago that he cant let go.  I have admitted to my mistakes and I have been taking responsibility to pay off my debt...now that it is almost paid off I get divorce papers..  He cannot let it go and we argue about why this has to be a constant issue and I cant constantly hear about my mistakes till im 90 years old, but he says its not the past when it continually affects our future...meaning the loan im paying takes away from my ability to pay more bills ect.   He is a work aholic....50-70 hours a week, and his money has always been his money...my name is not on check book nor do I know about is financial accounts because they are his.  He has always been very responsible about money, no loans and no debt, and a good provider. But my money issues have always been a big STRESSOR for him,,,so he worked more, threw it in my face all the time, wrote me unkind notes every morning and pretty much didnt help me with it at all...which didnt help our relationship at all and was very little comunication besides arguing about it. He would give me grocery money and ask to see the receipt and his change, I had to ask him for money for everything including gas, food, groceries, ect  and everytime I did I felt like a teenager...and was told "Im not your bank".   I only worked part time to stay home and care for our sons needs and he made ALOT more money than I did..  OK so thats the background here is the question: He thought that I had credit cards maxed out (not the case, dont have any) and the money issues made us both depressed and we argued all the time. It made him so crazy that he filed for divorce, without even mentioning to me that he was...I feel that working the amount of hours that he did and his stressors really played a number on him.  After filing for divorce he cut back his hours at work (so they wouldnt be looked at during divorce settlement) and now through it all he is so more like his old self, less stressed, and enjoying the things he never had time for before.  He is an active part in our sons life and playing Mr. Dad.  all the things I missed and wanted while we were going thru our ****. We are still living together until the divorce is final, and we actually get along much better...have suppers together, go to school functions for our son  etc...still no "closeness" tho.  I am hating to go through a divorce thinking that we are throwing 8 years of our lives away and making our son go through all this if there is a chance that we cud go to counseling and see if it is Possible to work things out...I dont know if i shud even mention it tho, because he still says he did not do anything wrong and feels like my issues caused the whole thing so that kinda tells me it wont work unless he can see the part in it that he did...and that it takes two and that he didnt actually help or support me thru any of it like he cud have....now that My debt is almost paid off, he is willing to pay lawyers and child support ect...dont get it...My thoughts are this...maybe since the divorce will be over next month, I was wondering if we shud just go ahead as planned but instead of the divorce, is it possible to get a legal seperation and postpone the divorce and see if this can be saved at all through counseling and maybe time apart we would miss each other and appreciate each other in a different way and not take things so for granted...I know things I cud have and wud do differently but I know it takes two...wondering....shud i just go ahead with divorce or put myself out there and see where goes...i dont know if it would work or not or how I really feel either ....mmm any advice????
6 Responses
1605559 tn?1314793078
Yes, counseling, maybe even a trial separation while you place the divorce on hold is in order . . . good luck with everything.
Avatar universal
Every person needs independance,and you have never had it with this guy asking for an account of everuthing you spend no wounder you are in debt if this man supported you at the beginning maybe you wouldnt have to get yourself into debt,if you think you have a chance with your husband then go for it but i think you are wasting your time.
Avatar universal
I have been in your exact situation and it has been two years as well.  I was too in gambling debt in excess of $5000 and my husband knew nothing about it.  When I told my husband he was of course livid and we ended up moving in with his parents for awhile to help us pay off the debt (or so I thought).  As soon as we moved in with his parents, he didn't help me pay for anything.  We both had full time jobs and I had more bills than he did that did not include my debt.  Everytime he got paid he would just keep his check and not help me with anything.  A few months after we moved in with his parents, I moved out and moved in with my parents.  We seperated for about 10 months and we just moved back in to our own place about 2 weeks ago.  When we decided to move back in together my husband seemed all about trusting me again and everything was going to be great.  It hasn't been horrible but it also hasn't been the best either.  I have a lot of resentment toward him b/c basically he went back on his word and left me out in the cold with my debt, and basically my parents along with me working a second job helped to pay off my debt.  My husband has mentioned me giving him my paycheck and him giving me an allowance but that was not an option for me.  He too makes a lot more money than I do, but I am not going to give him my hard earned money and then go and ask him for MY MONEY like he's my father or something.  I would say a trial seperation would be a good idea before a divorce but if he is the type like my husband (and sounds like he is), a divorce may be a better option.  I know it seems hard right now, but I too have kids and that is the only reason I went back and decided to try this again.  Go with your gut and what your heart is telling you to do.  If you feel as though he can change then stick with it, but if you don't think that he can, get it over and done with and find someone who won't throw your past in your face everyday.  Good luck!  Sorry that I drug out my story but I just wanted to let you kinda compare your story with mine.  :)  
Avatar universal
Sounds like your husband has lost "trust" in you.  For him to ask for receipts, etc., it proves he does not trust you.  I know from my own personal experience, once you lose trust, it is almost impossible to regain it.  I would discuss the trust issue with him.  You don't want to live with someone constantly keeping tabs on everything you do or what money you spend. You need to do what you feel is right.  Like someone else said, "go with your gut feeling" and it will most likely be the right road to take. Good luck!!
483733 tn?1326798446
Your husband is holding onto his anger and is using it to punish you.  Unless he goes for counselling himself and learns to release it and forgive you your future is not promising.  My husband held so much anger inside after a business loss 5 years ago.  He let it consume him, he punished me and continually brought it up in arguments, he drank too much and withdrew from friends, family and me.  We just separated and he says that now he will get help.  I'm not going near him until he has dealt with this and other issues in his life.
Avatar universal
It sounds like the trust thing does not work in your marriage. When trust is broken for what ever reason, it takes a mountain of work to rebuild it, if ever it comes back.  Obviously he has not forgiven you of your debt sin. He is not perfect either and am sure he has his own faults to deal with. If he loved you with maturity, he would work with you and share money a little at a time to rebuild up the trust. In the present situation, there is no trust at all, and thus no growth either. If there is no positive growth with trust, forgiveness, and positive relationship building, then what you have is a dead end relationship. both parties must desire to build up the relationship as one can not repair it alone. It appears that he will never trust you with money. this will burn in your heart for the rest of your life. He has isolated himself from you and desires not to feel hurt any more. His mind has built up a big case on you in regards to gambling and or money handling, Whether true or not is not the issue. he has convinced himself that you are the problem, and not him and his desire to forgive you and work together. Will it get better? hmmm, so far it does not look like it will.  the key thing is not to project anger to him. but keep silent on things that he says that are angry and hurtful. Let him vent for while, and suck it in. He is perhaps mad at himself for having to deal with real life in a real way. We all have faults and he does too. So is he thinking he is better than you? But at least he is talking and sitting down to eat dinner together. do not allow anger to take over your mind, do not broadcast anger or negative emotions. let him see you as a well balanced person, and can handle life on your own. Only by showing your strength can you show him you are a desireable person. Do not beg for him. Show him your two feet and you can stand on your own two feet. He alreasy has decided to leave you, and when a man has gone that far, his mind is miles away and the last thing he wants to do is listen to a broken heart cry in front of him. he has deaf ears now, and only desires to get out of the marriage. Smile, be strong, and only show your good side to him. and let him know you are better than he realizes. don't beg.
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