mid life crisis for men

[Goldie21]

I would like to find out for those of you men out there if you have gone through this and why?  The reason I am asking is 3 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he didn't love me anymore.  He said I love you as a person, and respect you.  This is after being with him for 31 years and doing everything for him.  Taking care of him while he was sick, when he lost his job, standing by him.  I was also asked to care for his dying father last year he was battling cancer, I agreed, I cared for his dad in our home 24/7 until he passed.

Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.

[MrsInKansas728]

I guess I forgot to mention, we've been married 26 years, together 27.

[MrsInKansas728]

I'm currently going through this myself with my husband.  Husband came home 2 months ago, telling me he didn't want to be here anymore.  He said there was no one else...the next day he admitted there was someone else, but said it was a customer...it ended up being one of his employees, but I didn't find that out until the following week.  I convinced him to stay and talk.  We ended up starting therapy.  He agreed to cut ties with the other woman 4 different times, but each time he went to talk to her, he left the door open for her and returned to being distant from me.  Then, one night after his private therapy, he called and asked me to meet him at the lake so we could talk.  He told me he had ended it with her and wanted to make things work.  I was happy he was willing to really try.  However, the next day when he went to work, this was all undone by the co-worker and he didn't come home from work that night.  He wouldn't answer my calls or texts all night or the next morning, so I went to his job to see if any of the guys had seen him...they hadn't.  While I was there, I ran into one of the owners/bosses.  I was desperate and asked him if he knew what customer he might be having an affair with.  He said no but he would find out.  Apparently he called my husband and he admitted to him it was an employee.  They were both put on leave with pay until they could sort out what to do with them.  He was told he would probably be fired because he was her supervisor.  He finally started texting me and said he felt like his world was imploding around him and he couldn't stop it.  He finally agreed to come home, as long as I agreed not to pounce.  I was worried about his welfare, so I agreed because at that point, I just wanted him to be safe.  We ended up talking and he admitted to me he had been having an affair with his employee for a couple of months and she had told her husband and he moved out.  Apparently the plan was to say we had grown apart and get divorced and they would then reveal they were dating...this way both their reputations would be in tact, but I sortof blew that plan out of the water by exposing them at work.  After a couple more weeks without pay at work, my husband was offered two options, take a demotion and move to another city, or be without a job.  She was allowed to keep her job.  He ended up taking the transfer and moved.  She offered to quit and move with him, but he told her no.  Unfortunately, they've continued to see each other, and he continues to stay in touch with me as well.  One day when we were sitting at the table discussing division of property, we got a phone call saying our son (24) had been in a car wreck.  We stopped what we were doing and drove an hour away to the hospital.  On the way there, he looked at me and told me I was and always would be his best friend.  I told him I knew that and that's what made all this seem stupid and sad.  Why would anyone throw their best friend away?  I guess that's a stupid question, because I know the answer...he did it for sex.  She made him feel like a man, apparently something I hadn't done for a while.  Not without reason...our son had tried to kill himself 5 years ago, 3 years ago I lost my Mom and 2 1/2 months after that, he lost his Dad.  Then our son had some alcohol and drug problems and we ended up putting him in rehab and attending the family classes.  So, our relationship sortof got put on the back burner through all this.  Then, along came Miss Opportunity and offered herself to him.  She told him if the answer was no, it was okay.  But once she put the offer out there, he couldn't refuse it and ended up taking her up on the offer.  Now don't get me wrong, I understand even if he had said no, she wouldn't have given up on trying, but he's silly enough he believes it and is taking full responsibility for what happened.  Anyhow, I'm now working after 15 years of being off taking care of my Mom and my son and husband.  So, he calls me last week and tells me he loves me and can't imagine his life without me and wants to work things out.  He sent the other woman a text that night telling her he loves his wife and has gone back to her.  He proceeds to call our son and his Mom, as well as a couple of his friends from the old job, the next day to inform them he's working things out with his wife.  They tell him good and that it sounds more like him.  But, 2 days later, while traveling alone for business, he gets lonely and reads a few of her texts and suddenly he's depressed and doesn't know what he wants again.  The next night he tells me we should work on a new marriage contract of what we want in a marriage.  The idea is to talk about them and see what we agree to and what we don't agree to and what we can compromise about.  After seeing his, it looked more like a contract for a single man's life, with benefits.  Long story short, I think he was willing to work on the contract so he could quit his new job and move back home, but at some point in the day when he was telling our son about his new job, he decided he liked the job better than he thought and decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  He wants to be free to do what he wants when he wants with whoever he wants and not answer to anyone.  I had agreed to a lot of the things on his contract, with negotiations, except for wanting me to accept that he likes to look at and lust other women, and I wouldn't accept infidelity.  But, that wasn't enough.  Basically, he wants a divorce so he can have sex with whoever he wants.  I'm not sure where to go from here.  :(

[amazed123]

I am exactly in your wife's position.   6 weeks ago, after I confronted him about text's from a Co-worker he stated he didn't love me anymore, and he had developed feelings for Sarah.  I was stunned, and thought we would of course we'd work on the marriage (I had thought all and all we had a good marriage, kids ages 5 an 6), perhaps go to counselling, but he wouldn't go, didn't think it was worth it as he has been working on this "internally' for a few years.  So I told him he should move out, so got a Condo is busy furnishing it like a Bachlor Pad (yet he keeps showing up at the house).  I have no idea who he is right now, it's so crazy.  I've cried like never before, the grief is unbelievable, I have pulled myself together, it's so incredibly difficult to watch this.  I don't even know what to say here.   I read other stories, I don't know how this will end.  At this moment , I am not even sure how I want it to end.  If his heart isn't with me, I don't want it.  If this is an unbelievable wake-up call that we survive and thrive, I am willing to go through it.  But -- wow, I have never had this raw depth of feeling that I have experienced in the last 6 weeks, is amazing.  I am sorry for who's posting, but I am glad I am not alone - as no one really understands unless they have been here.    

[Buncher]

My husband of 20 years just did the same thing, truck and all..... I feel like these $&""‘s have no concept of what marriage really means.  I am so upset over this.  I am with you, they should pay!,,,It should be punishable by law.

[elvy66]

Hello my dear my heart is with you, and you have to remember you did not start this and none of this is your fault....my husband left me after 30 years of a very happy marriage and people say why did he leave and so on....and to this day I feel like my husband die and this strange man came into his body...he is 50 and sleeping with a 22 neighbour who went to school with my daughter and you will never understand what happened it is like their brain snapped and you have to remember he is gone now....and it is all about you and the kids....that is all...dont think about why or him and definitely dont see him....someone gave me that advise and I still think it is the best advise I ever recieved because not seeing him has helped me to move on a lot easier....I have hired a very good lawyer and follow their advise to a t.....tell your lawyer about his threats and if it continues ring the police....do not put up with him....who knows what they are thinking my ex hates me because I am the reason he has nothing.....hello he is the one that cheated.....so dont try and figure it out just do your things and that is all....so be strong it has been 4 months for me and yes I still think about him but he doesnt consume my thoughts anymore and I have started dating.... so kept in touch and remember be confident and strong and be happy....show your kids you can do this alone.....because you can....Linda

[specialmom]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  That is heartbreaking.  And your therapist who said you weren't interesting should lose her liscense.  That is cruel and wrong.  

I would seek the advice of an attorney and pick a good one in a different office than your husband.  It is worth the money to get good, strong representation.  Well connected or not----  you pick an attorney that is equally connected.  Yes, he's got the advantage as this won't cost him like it will you but taking custody of kids is a nasty threat-----  I'd make it clear that you aren't going down with a fight.  Frankly, he sounds too selfish to really want the kids and is just trying to mess with you.

We are here for you dear.  Let us know how it progresses.  So sorry for your pain.