Aa
mid life crisis for men
I would like to find out for those of you men out there if you have gone through this and why? The reason I am asking is 3 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he didn't love me anymore. He said I love you as a person, and respect you. This is after being with him for 31 years and doing everything for him. Taking care of him while he was sick, when he lost his job, standing by him. I was also asked to care for his dying father last year he was battling cancer, I agreed, I cared for his dad in our home 24/7 until he passed.
Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.
Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.
ARRGGHHH!!!!
Depression is back!!
I had to attend a training day for work, just a short day, thought I could do with the distraction.
Everywhere I look, couples kissing holding hands and I can think about is, thats never going to be me again, then the memories start.The tutour called me by my full married name to give out certificates and I nearly burst into tears!
My seven year old asked me today why does Daddy need to leave? And bless him,,"is this the only way? What could I tell him? "Go ask you father because I dont want this, and I dont know why either!
He seems to delight (the husband) in letting me know in subtle little ways everyday the he is not in love with me anymore, that he loves her, and once I, finally gone they are going to have thier fabulous life together. He told me last night that he looks forward to the day our son comes to see him and announces "Mummy has a boy friend!" OUCH!!!
Every time I think he could not do more to hurt me, he manages it.
I know I was not always the best wife, but damn it I gave up sooo much for him! He had times of illness and needed support which I gladly gave him! I have lived in HIS country for 24 yrs, been here for him when HIS parents died, and was across the pond when my own Dad died!
How can I HATE the man soo much and still love him??!!!
He will not leave the house despite his sister having an empty house he could go to 20 miles away, keeps saying "can,t afford it " (travel wise), or that he wants to be here to see our son, HE CHOSE TO PUT THAT
B***H be fore his son's needs and welfare, HE chose to leave him . I actually brought a suitcase down stairs and tried to pack it for him, and he just took it and put it up stairs again! Mean while I get to look at the face of a man who used to call me "darling" and know he is thinking about her!
Every one says he will bottle out of leaving in the end, but I truly do not think so, he really believes he is in love with this woman and being with her will give him the happy life HE deserves.
Phew! Thanks for letting me rant everyone!!
I am off to try to teach my self to self sooth......... Old dogs new tricks?
:0
Depression is back!!
I had to attend a training day for work, just a short day, thought I could do with the distraction.
Everywhere I look, couples kissing holding hands and I can think about is, thats never going to be me again, then the memories start.The tutour called me by my full married name to give out certificates and I nearly burst into tears!
My seven year old asked me today why does Daddy need to leave? And bless him,,"is this the only way? What could I tell him? "Go ask you father because I dont want this, and I dont know why either!
He seems to delight (the husband) in letting me know in subtle little ways everyday the he is not in love with me anymore, that he loves her, and once I, finally gone they are going to have thier fabulous life together. He told me last night that he looks forward to the day our son comes to see him and announces "Mummy has a boy friend!" OUCH!!!
Every time I think he could not do more to hurt me, he manages it.
I know I was not always the best wife, but damn it I gave up sooo much for him! He had times of illness and needed support which I gladly gave him! I have lived in HIS country for 24 yrs, been here for him when HIS parents died, and was across the pond when my own Dad died!
How can I HATE the man soo much and still love him??!!!
He will not leave the house despite his sister having an empty house he could go to 20 miles away, keeps saying "can,t afford it " (travel wise), or that he wants to be here to see our son, HE CHOSE TO PUT THAT
B***H be fore his son's needs and welfare, HE chose to leave him . I actually brought a suitcase down stairs and tried to pack it for him, and he just took it and put it up stairs again! Mean while I get to look at the face of a man who used to call me "darling" and know he is thinking about her!
Every one says he will bottle out of leaving in the end, but I truly do not think so, he really believes he is in love with this woman and being with her will give him the happy life HE deserves.
Phew! Thanks for letting me rant everyone!!
I am off to try to teach my self to self sooth......... Old dogs new tricks?
:0
I've been going through the exact same thing for four months now. In the beginning I was so angry and hated him. I was filled with rage. I asked myself over and over and over and over how did we get here. How can he be so selfish, narcissistic, and mean. We've been together for 16 years. I was so busy taking care of him and our little family (dog) that I didn't see the signs of weight loss, change in clothing style, and wouldn't go anywhere without his cell phone. It was practically glued to his hand. It was like a huge slap in the face to hear "I don't love you anymore." I supported him through school, job loss, career changes, even jail. I've since learned from neighbors who took pictures that "she" has been coming over on the days I work for months now. "She" has finally seen him for the jerk he is and broke up, however the damage is done. I'm actually willing to give him a divorce but he wants me to just move out. Take what I had before the marriage and get out and I said NO it's not going to work that way. He has since had a change of heart, but I now want the lying to stop and for him to come clean. I will say I was co-dep, didn't really love myself as I was too busy taking care of everyone else, and it took him cheating to realize this. So both of us have damaged the marriage in different ways. I'm learning how to take care of me first and have now lost 30 plus puonds. I'm now working on my mental and emotional health, and He's starting to realize what he still could lose. Funny he's learned how to cook, clean, and do laundry. He fondly comments on the things I "use" to do for him. I'm not the maid anymore. There is a really amazing book out there called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." I've learned a lot about how we arrived at this mess and we still may not make it. I've also read "Codependency No More" and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living." Really great books that have helped me cope with this unnatrual disaster.
Snap!
Mine did this to me last Friday, 24 years and 12 days into our marriage.
She isn't younger than me, but is an old girlfriend from before he met me.
Of course he "isn't leaving me for her" (total coincidence they met up on line "found each other again" and he decides our life is unbearable to him.)
I got the works. "I love you but am not IN love with you"
"We haven't been making each other happy for a long time" (News to me and what I thought of as a happy marriage)
"You're Amazing and have been the best wife..." EH?!!
The red herring plan was that we would sell our house, get rid of the debt and move to a rented property nearer our daughter and her fianc'e.
What the "real" plan was,He and his FWB had planned out just how the marriage assets would be divided, just where every one would live (too be fair for ALL of our mutual happiness of course) That's my husband a Man with a list and a plan!
I did the self reproach thing, beat myself for clearly having done SOMETHING monsterously wrong which enabled our marriage to fracture,
I begged cried and basically made a shamefully foolish example to our three children, by being a total doormat.
Then it hit. The realisation, he is totally going to do this. (despite the fact that she is jobless, lives in Washington state, we live in Great Britain, she will not be able to stay here or get a job) And with came the Black void.
I was semi- catatonic sobbing under a blanket on the sofa, I felt soo hopeless I could have quite cheerfully taken a very sharp knife to my self and not bat an eye. Then I prayed. I begged God to take this feeling away, even for just a few moments so I could have a break. Then an amazing thing happened. His sister rang. She is a dear soul and very precious to me. Did NOT want to talk to her brother, but to me. We cried, she soothed me and told me that once I started taking control back, i.e.getting good advice, telling him what I wanted (from the marriage), phoning divorce lawyers, putting the house on the market, that I would have a focus, and that I would be able to think clearer and start to feel more in control. Then begin to start to feel better.
Then I had this image flash in my mind. MY toaster, on MY kitchen worktop!! A shower of my own, and a living room with a wood burning stove.
I know sounds like a pretty lame Epiphany, but hear me out. My husband (the list maker) is anally retentive, high strung and fussy. In 24 years I have been married to him, we always had to have the house "just right", no kitchen appliances on the counters (looks messy), no showers ( this is a period house, it has to be kept looking period, no modern things) no wood burners ( they arent "cost effective") As a matter of fact, very rarely did I ever get to chose or decide where this would go or how the house looked.I felt weird if I hoovered the floor or did the laundry, like it was HIS house.
It was then I realised I held all the cards here. We still have a seven year old child, as well as two adult children. I was going to get my life back at the age of 45, get my house they way I want it, and HE will be paying through the nose for it.
Yes I am still sad, and yes I still have my moments, but the bird released from a cage feeling has pretty much stuck with me.
I do still love him, will until the day I die,I do believe he is in the throes of a mid life crises, however it has morphed him into a man I certain do not recognise, and dont like very much.Would I have him back?
Mmmnn really too soon to say.
Just wish I could get the B*****D to leave!
Take care, we'll get through this, we will.
Mine did this to me last Friday, 24 years and 12 days into our marriage.
She isn't younger than me, but is an old girlfriend from before he met me.
Of course he "isn't leaving me for her" (total coincidence they met up on line "found each other again" and he decides our life is unbearable to him.)
I got the works. "I love you but am not IN love with you"
"We haven't been making each other happy for a long time" (News to me and what I thought of as a happy marriage)
"You're Amazing and have been the best wife..." EH?!!
The red herring plan was that we would sell our house, get rid of the debt and move to a rented property nearer our daughter and her fianc'e.
What the "real" plan was,He and his FWB had planned out just how the marriage assets would be divided, just where every one would live (too be fair for ALL of our mutual happiness of course) That's my husband a Man with a list and a plan!
I did the self reproach thing, beat myself for clearly having done SOMETHING monsterously wrong which enabled our marriage to fracture,
I begged cried and basically made a shamefully foolish example to our three children, by being a total doormat.
Then it hit. The realisation, he is totally going to do this. (despite the fact that she is jobless, lives in Washington state, we live in Great Britain, she will not be able to stay here or get a job) And with came the Black void.
I was semi- catatonic sobbing under a blanket on the sofa, I felt soo hopeless I could have quite cheerfully taken a very sharp knife to my self and not bat an eye. Then I prayed. I begged God to take this feeling away, even for just a few moments so I could have a break. Then an amazing thing happened. His sister rang. She is a dear soul and very precious to me. Did NOT want to talk to her brother, but to me. We cried, she soothed me and told me that once I started taking control back, i.e.getting good advice, telling him what I wanted (from the marriage), phoning divorce lawyers, putting the house on the market, that I would have a focus, and that I would be able to think clearer and start to feel more in control. Then begin to start to feel better.
Then I had this image flash in my mind. MY toaster, on MY kitchen worktop!! A shower of my own, and a living room with a wood burning stove.
I know sounds like a pretty lame Epiphany, but hear me out. My husband (the list maker) is anally retentive, high strung and fussy. In 24 years I have been married to him, we always had to have the house "just right", no kitchen appliances on the counters (looks messy), no showers ( this is a period house, it has to be kept looking period, no modern things) no wood burners ( they arent "cost effective") As a matter of fact, very rarely did I ever get to chose or decide where this would go or how the house looked.I felt weird if I hoovered the floor or did the laundry, like it was HIS house.
It was then I realised I held all the cards here. We still have a seven year old child, as well as two adult children. I was going to get my life back at the age of 45, get my house they way I want it, and HE will be paying through the nose for it.
Yes I am still sad, and yes I still have my moments, but the bird released from a cage feeling has pretty much stuck with me.
I do still love him, will until the day I die,I do believe he is in the throes of a mid life crises, however it has morphed him into a man I certain do not recognise, and dont like very much.Would I have him back?
Mmmnn really too soon to say.
Just wish I could get the B*****D to leave!
Take care, we'll get through this, we will.
Finally I to have found someone who is going through the same thing I am at the moment.......total confusion. On the 7th November my husband of 26 year told me that he didn't love me an more was "confused" he need some space. He moved out on that day with only a text message telling me he was going.
Have since found out he is having an affair with a 23year girl. This girl is younger then 2 of our children and WAS friends with our youngest daughter who is 19.
He hasn't spoken to me or his children since then.......keeps lying in emails and text messagaes and have just found out that he took her to Singapore for Christmas and the USA for New Year.
I just don't understand how he can go from a loving husband, father and grandfather in a couple of months.
Family has always been the most important thing to him and how he just doesn't care.
Have since found out he is having an affair with a 23year girl. This girl is younger then 2 of our children and WAS friends with our youngest daughter who is 19.
He hasn't spoken to me or his children since then.......keeps lying in emails and text messagaes and have just found out that he took her to Singapore for Christmas and the USA for New Year.
I just don't understand how he can go from a loving husband, father and grandfather in a couple of months.
Family has always been the most important thing to him and how he just doesn't care.
What happened to Goldie 21 and her situation? she stopped posting....
Finally I have found people who going through what I am going through. 6 weeks ago my husband told me he didnt love me anymore, I know there is a 22 years old woman involved even though he says there isn't but he would go 2 doors up and drink and smoke(two things he never did) and come home sometimes 3 am in the morning. We have been married 30 years and he was my best friend and we were very happy. I made him move out because I could not stand the pain of him near by and then he would visit the tart down the road...While my son is trying to finish last school year finals. Some days I walk around in circles not knowing where I am and what I am going to do...How can they stop loving just like that, I will never understand this....Is he missing me? Is he thinking of me? should I wait to see if it is a phase or should I try and forget and move on.....I am had no contact for 2 weeks to see if that helps.....How many husbands want to come back? When is it time to talk to him? becasue at the moment he hates me for everthing....everything is my fault and I find it very hard to deal with....If anyone has any suggestions please answer me.
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