There is a terrible thing going on here and its not about love. She sees you on the defensive and knows all this is really bothering you. How can a person who loves someone truly, play these terrible head games. I think she wants him and you for different reasons. For her to say to you that she is just flirting, really shows the disrespect she has for you. She is just using you. How can you look yourself in the mirror knowing this. Forget the time you have invested as it was a bad investment. Have some self respect for your self. Do not allow yourself to be slammed like this. Hold your head up high and tell her you want a trial separation as you need to do some serious thinking.
1-Women need to feel sexy and desired like they need water…
2-Once attraction is gone, it's gone
3-Comitment is to work through the differences… when both people are not actively working through it, commitment is over.
It sounds like You put so much into the relationship (emotionally, physically) etc) you compromised your self and values for him and much more… Simply put: You have invested everything into her & the relationship… always waiting for the return…. Always waiting to get back what you put in (feel appreciated or acknowledged)… but you never got any of that. This may be why you hold onto any little emotional return ("I'm sorry" or "I Love you") in hopes that you will finally get what you gave everything for.
You man never get back what you put in... Its hard, but dont give more when you know it is a bad investment…. Cut your losses… take a deep breathe and move on. Dont expect closure right away… This is supposed to be hard, confusing, & painful…But it is only a matter of time until you feel better.
Don't invest all of yourself… once you cut it off, if she wants it back, he can start investing in you.
Just know when to say when
If its not too late, fight for it… make her feel sexy and desirable…Full filling that need goes a long way.
This is how the end to my marriage started. My husband was having an emotional relationship with another woman. He didn't want to give her up so he moved out and ended up leaving our family for her. At some point you need tp tell her it's him or you and if she can't end it she is no longer committed to your relationship and you need to let it go. I hope it can end better for you and your family then it did for mines.
I'm so very sorry. What I see happening is that your wife is very caught up in sensation still. That is why she still has breaks in sobriety and is smoking pot (didn't you say you caught her doing that?) and she seeks this flirtatious, on the edge romance with someone she met in treatment. She's still acting like an addict dear. She is not better. She will use again in a signficant way is my prediction because she is not doing the work to change her life.
And telling you she wants to work on the marriage while texting another man that she admits is on the romantic spectrum whether she says it is just flirting or not is a complete contradiction.
I, in all honesty, would seperate from her. I think she'll affect your sobriety soon and that is not worth it. If you two want to work on it---- live seperatly, seek therapy and continued treatment and see what happens in the next 6 months to a year.
because while this is better than before--- it is far from healthy. I do wish you luck and am just really sorry about it all!
I too, think You should separate from Her. I know and understand how painful this is for You!! BUT, this is too much Drama and Insecurity for the Children. If She doesn't make Them priority, well then, You must!!
Commitment is to work through the differences… either way, things always work out in the end… if its not worked out, its not the end.
Good luck, & I hope it works out for you and your family.