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Avatar universal

wife disconnected from me.

My wife and I have 2 children 3 and 6. I was laid off about 13 months ago which was a blessing in disguise because I get to spend my days raising my children and being the house dad. My wife also was blessed because she was able to open up her own beauty business. We agreed that i would stay home with the kids for at least a year while she got her business up and running. Sounds good on paper but things have changed for both of us. Before her business we were fine and had a healthy sex life while balancing out everything else in life. Bills, time with kids, family etc. Life seemed good and we were both so happy that her business was growing and I was doing really well with being the house dad while she made the money. I am also getting unemployment as well to assist with bills. I well 8 months down the road since the business was opened i noticed that there was no sex life "going on 2 months now" she told me that she is not connected to me and dreads coming home do to the stress of not being able to talk about anything with me. The problem is that she is so stressed with her business which in her head run 24/7 that she has become a robot!!! I on the other hand talk about the kids and how the day has gone. I do the chores, cooking, cleaning, baths for the kids tuck them in ya know the normal things parents do. I really have become the single parent because she is gone all the time to marketing events and socials. She told me that that she now feels empowered  and very confident with being a business owner nothing like she has ever felt before and she is loving it. the problem is that she is the only one running her business and she is not establishing any sort of balance with her personal responsibilities with me and the kids. She even has told me that we both are going different directions and she wants to so this on her own and with the kids since she lost the connection with me. I told her that I also lost the connection with her because at the beginning she was nurturing, fun, not as uptight and just down right sexy and everything I wanted in a woman. My friends often ask " how did you end up with such a hottie" lol. Well lastnight I discussed with her what she wanted and felt, She gives me the whole i hate how i feel but i can't help it answer, but then she will cry and ask me to hold her hand. and we kiss but only for about 3 seconds or so. i even tried to be intimate with her but it feels so starnge to even go there for both of us since it seems so "staged" she still will text me in the middle of the day and say I love you or xoxoxox0 so i know she is missing me. I respond by texting xoxoxox thinking of you. I told her that if she feels so bas then we should seperate after the kids go back to school and just go from there. I need to find a job and settle before leaving. she seemed to agree but never really could utter the words separation or divorce. I am still listening to her and I am not pressuring her with this whole stressful sad situation. I told her that i am in this for the rest ofmy life and she is the woman for me. You cannot feel like butterflies and the first date 5 years later in the relationship and the marriage requires hard work and sacrifice. I told her that I do have needs and it takes two tomake stuff happen and work. I could have been one of those people who cheated but I did not even though i was too also very lonely inside. I just do not know what else to do about this anymore. We are just taking it day by day and i think she might even come around to woring on the marriage but she has not stated so. All opionions welcome!! She said happiness for her is independace since she has always felt like a failure in her family and finally has this little business going for her which maked her feel like she is on a hogh that she cant come down from. But this is wrecking her relationship with me and the kids. MY version of happiness is to enjoy life and not micro manage evreything and be with a woman who wants the same and lights my fire!!
Best Answer
134578 tn?1642048000
I can see her feeling this way if she was the president of the International Monetary Fund, but to whistle away a good marriage and family relationship with the kids for a business where she is doing everything and not delegating or giving herself any time for relaxation is short-sighted.  (That said, men do it all the time.  Your problem is that you, being male, were not socialized to just suck it up and say "at least he is a good provider, even if I never see him" the way women are trained to do from girlhood.)  

It is true that if a person has never felt self-actualized before and suddenly does, it is the greatest feeling in the world.  She's not lying to you about all the good it does for her psychologically to suddenly feel competent and in charge in a world where she never was able to prove before that she was.  But after a certain amount of time, she needs to learn some better management skills and learn to spread the work, so she can also have her life back.  It's been how long?  I'd see if the two of you can talk to a counselor and try to work this out.
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Avatar universal
I agree with what AnnieBrooke said.

You are kind of at a crossroads here (your wife isn't quite there yet) where you have to decide whether it is worth it to you to really dig in and work for your marriage...or not. A counselor can help you make this decision (I recommend counseling even if your wife can't or wont go). Once you've decided, go from there.

A few things to consider: Your marriage will never be like it was. Having said that, let me add it could become something even better....or not. It does take two people to make a marriage...but one person CAN act proactively to start a positive change. You have to decide if you want to put in the work (and it will be work!) know that it may not pay off...the upside is that the worst that can happen is you divorce knowing you did all you could.

If you decide you want to stay, figure out a way to get some counseling. Once the kids go back to school, get a part time job outside the home (unemployment is income but it also often has a negative psychological impact). The other thing I suggest is to see if you can arrange child care and take your wife on a date (a weekly thing is best but less often would help too).
Rules for dating...no work or business talk :) Turn off the Blackberry. Focus on each other. Yeah, it will feel totally awkward at first...but y'all fell in love once...there must be something not work or child related you can talk about...It may take a while.

I can tell you from experience that it CAN work. Your wife may not be fully committed right now but some patience on your part she may decide to recommit...or not.

(ps I recommend "The Love Dare" which is a great book and a very good guideline for a spouse trying to reconnect (rent the movie "Fireproof" for an idea of what "The Love Dare" is)


Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for the advice. It is such a relief to get some good intelligent advice!! Awesome. I really dug down deep inside (hate to admit it) but I am looking forward to seperating from my wife. We both really never lived alone and I need to do that. I do not want to really say too much because things may change down the road between us, but I really want to just take care of my kids and take care of me and meet new friends! Hell, I do not even have any friends but some new healthy friends is going to be a whole new world opening up to me vs being the house dad and feeling lonely inside. I know that once I step out that door i may not invest too much time and energy on working on the marriage and that kind of scares me and hurts inside. I even am thinking about dating in 2 to 3 years or so, but nothing serious! I am going to make a list of things i want to do and i am going to do my best to do them. There is just so much to do and so many people to meet out there. Does this sound like I am over this marriage? The wierd thing about this is its difficult because my wife and I are getting along but thats about it and at least i am a little back and forth about wanting her anymore. Any comments will be welcome!!!
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
I wouldn't walk out on children just to have the fun of being out there and meeting new people, it's so unfair to the children.  If you do separate, either take the kids with you or make a thousand percent effort to be in their lives every single day.  

In other words, being mad at the situation might not be the same as being mad at your wife, although you pin it all on your wife.  You talk about "a whole new world opening up to me vs being the house dad and feeling lonely inside;" that is not about your wife, that's about being stuck at home with kids and no stimulation.  (A lot of housewives feel this way.)  But your kids are going to need you more than ever, so plan for that and take it seriously no matter how nice "escape dreams" are.  
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Avatar universal
Of course the kids come first and wife and talked about working out a schedule for the kids. And you are probably very accurate in the I'm stuck with the kids feeling. I was simply stating that if wife and I can't fix the marriage then that is how I am going to proceed with my life. Most folks have no clue what to do or where to start if their marriage fails and does not work after trying and trying hard. I have no intention on just stepping out but they know I'm there for them on a weekly basis just not wih them physically everyday like now. I can only do so much if wife does not want me or marriage.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Of course the kids come first and wife and talked about working out a schedule for the kids. And you are probably very accurate in the I'm stuck with the kids feeling. I was simply stating that if wife and I can't fix the marriage then that is how I am going to proceed with my life. Most folks have no clue what to do or where to start if their marriage fails and does not work after trying and trying hard. I have no intention on just stepping out but they know I'm there for them on a weekly basis just not wih them physically everyday like now. I can only do so much if wife does not want me or marriage.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
You could take the kids with you, rather than just see them weekly.  That seems like it will hurt them a lot.
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Avatar universal
Well, one of my kids is actually my 6 year old step daughter so that is a no go. My son is my biological and he is 3. So I do think the kids should stay together with wife.So we have pretty good idea on how that would pan out.  My step daughter stays with biological  dad every other weekend  and has dinner with him every other friday. I came into her life when she was 2. So with that being said we have a pretty good idea on who is visiting when and where, but we do not know how it will effect the kids mentally. We know they will get through this "if" we don't work it out. Today was a better day for me I'm still emotional. I miss her when she is not here and then when she is here its kinda weird. Like we are roomates or something. We still kiss and hug when she walks through the door. We talk about her work she asks me about my day. SHe starts with her work stuff on the computer and breaks out her planner out to see what her schedule will be like for the next week or two. I start watching t.v or start reading a book while sitting next to her. I noticed a slight difference in her attitude when I started not to talk about "our future" and just doing my thing. Just not being so accomodating to her. So it was about 10 p.m and I told her that I am going to bed and good night. She then started to wrap up her work stuff after she heard me say this or she may have actually got it done by coincidence, I do not know. I said to her "Damn, you are done already" She looked at me like she was almost shocked or insulted, but maybe I am over reacting. She just said "Yeah" I got that vibe like she was either like damn, you do not want me to go to bed when you do or Damn, I am just as tired as you are too and I have a right to go to bed as well. Either way I can't analyse this too much. She seemed restless in bed so I just thought that was her being so sick to her stomach that she does not feel for me. Not wanted to hear anymore for lack of better words "rejection" I kept my mouth shut and decided to shut my eyes and sleep. She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was fine and left it at that. She did not push to tell me how she felt but the last time I asked we ended up all depressed and crap. SO now I am wondering if I should ask her if she had anything she wanted to tell me lastnight as we were laying in bed. SHe also stood out on the balcony with me twice, but I did not think anything about it since we were watching a lightning storm for a couple of minutes. I did give her a hug as we came back in the house. They say the best thing to do is not to talk about this situation too much so either party does not push away and that is what I have been doing. I am not desperate and am not cold either with the cold shoulder. We both are warm to each other but once again the reality of her not being into this as much as me makes me draw back a little and it hurts inside but I know I need to be strong and show her that I am strong and will respect her company and she respect mine. Seems like we still can laugh together and joke so that is good!  I figured I would type this cause this is a great way of letting it out. I appreciate all and any feedback Thank you so much.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Also your comment "I can see her feeling this way if she was the president of the International Monetary Fund" was so funny. Thanks for the laugh. I think I read that three times and laughed each time.
Helpful - 0
1235159 tn?1323009319
This whole conversation makes me sad. I wish ppl who are considering divorce could see the effect it had on everyone 10 years down the road before they did the deed. Marriage is a COMMITMENT for better or worse...not just until we don't feel it any more or we feel like something better might be out there etc. You had a CHILD. Your child is innocent and deserves a mom and dad...a family. Trust me on this....work it out....you will be giving up someone you have already started a lifetime with. Giving up someone who has seen u in good and bad and chose to accept you good or bad. I promise you if you do some reading...change some things...change the way you are looking at the situation...put in some effort....things can't help but change. My husband cheated on me and did many things that hurt me and our children. That all stopped over a year ago and he is a totally different man and our marriage is totally different and a million times better. I could easily have left him and had plenty of reason to. I didn't because I left my 1st husband because we just grew apart and just weren't feeling it anymore. The 2 children we had together are still paying and that was over 10 yrs ago. Looking back I see that our marriage wasn't that bad and could have been saved with a little work on our parts. We could have avoided all the stress and drama that comes with divorce, remarriage, step parents etc. Your issues are really not so big that they could be fixed with small amount of effort. The grass isn't greener I promise. When you have a child their future comes first. You really want your son to possibly be raised by another man???
Helpful - 0
1235159 tn?1323009319
This whole conversation makes me sad. I wish ppl who are considering divorce could see the effect it had on everyone 10 years down the road before they did the deed. Marriage is a COMMITMENT for better or worse...not just until we don't feel it any more or we feel like something better might be out there etc. You had a CHILD. Your child is innocent and deserves a mom and dad...a family. Trust me on this....work it out....you will be giving up someone you have already started a lifetime with. Giving up someone who has seen u in good and bad and chose to accept you good or bad. I promise you if you do some reading...change some things...change the way you are looking at the situation...put in some effort....things can't help but change. My husband cheated on me and did many things that hurt me and our children. That all stopped over a year ago and he is a totally different man and our marriage is totally different and a million times better. I could easily have left him and had plenty of reason to. I didn't because I left my 1st husband because we just grew apart and just weren't feeling it anymore. The 2 children we had together are still paying and that was over 10 yrs ago. Looking back I see that our marriage wasn't that bad and could have been saved with a little work on our parts. We could have avoided all the stress and drama that comes with divorce, remarriage, step parents etc. Your issues are really not so big that they could be fixed with small amount of effort. The grass isn't greener I promise. When you have a child their future comes first. You really want your son to possibly be raised by another man???
Helpful - 0
1235159 tn?1323009319
This whole conversation makes me sad. I wish ppl who are considering divorce could see the effect it had on everyone 10 years down the road before they did the deed. Marriage is a COMMITMENT for better or worse...not just until we don't feel it any more or we feel like something better might be out there etc. You had a CHILD. Your child is innocent and deserves a mom and dad...a family. Trust me on this....work it out....you will be giving up someone you have already started a lifetime with. Giving up someone who has seen u in good and bad and chose to accept you good or bad. I promise you if you do some reading...change some things...change the way you are looking at the situation...put in some effort....things can't help but change. My husband cheated on me and did many things that hurt me and our children. That all stopped over a year ago and he is a totally different man and our marriage is totally different and a million times better. I could easily have left him and had plenty of reason to. I didn't because I left my 1st husband because we just grew apart and just weren't feeling it anymore. The 2 children we had together are still paying and that was over 10 yrs ago. Looking back I see that our marriage wasn't that bad and could have been saved with a little work on our parts. We could have avoided all the stress and drama that comes with divorce, remarriage, step parents etc. Your issues are really not so big that they could be fixed with small amount of effort. The grass isn't greener I promise. When you have a child their future comes first. You really want your son to possibly be raised by another man???
Helpful - 0
1235159 tn?1323009319
Wow don't know why that posted 3 times! Sorry but seriously...I hate seeing divorce when I know what it does and I know you can be your wife and children's hero even if it seems your wife doesn't want one. We act tough and like we don't care sometimes but its usually because we are feeling insecure and don't want you to know we are hurting. I might push husband away when upset but the little girl in me wants him to make everything better. It's easy to lose the tenderness in the stress of everyday life. I am rooting for u!
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Avatar universal
Thank you for the feedback. I am willing to spend the rest of my life with my wife. I also need her to show me that she wants me as well. SHe is the one that told me that she does not want me or feels a connection with me and told me that it is not me but her. So I never had anyone play the whole its me not you card. i just did not know how to respond to that. If she said "hey, you really need to spend more time with me" then I would understand and have a better chance of working on it. The roles here are totally reversed. I am the housdad and she is the bread winner at least till unemployment runs out for me in a week. I have been looking for work. I guess i just have my walls up after 5 years of them being down because she wants to pursue being an independent person and being succesful with her business which is still small 60 clients maybe all running it herself. So she does not have the tools to "manage" her time to relax and reconnect with our kids or me. It's not so much i want to walk out but I better have a damn plan if she does not want to work it out. I am not looking for a "dream escape" but damn, I better have some sort of plan.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
Counseling, first.  You sound like the two of you have decided stop first, then see what happens.  That can really tear a three-year-old up.
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Avatar universal
I agree with AnnieBrooke and xrayz.

I'm also confused about how your wife would manage to run her business AND take care of her kids if she has primary custody. If she doesn't have time for them now...how is you leaving going to magically change that?

I hope you decide to work things out.

I can tell you from being married a long time...marriage is work. There will be times when you lose the feeling and can't seem to connect. It is normal and happens to everyone. The thing is, when that happens you have to work on it! That is why people like my grandparents (who all married in their early 20's and stayed married until death did them part in their 80's) stayed together...it wasn't because they had the good fortune to never lose "that feeling" and it certainly wasn't a lack of adversity. In their time, is was expected that people would work things out.  Marriage is not a fairy tale where you kiss on your wedding day and live happily ever after because you were meant to be (as if being meant to be guarantees happiness). You still have to work at it...and hitting a rough spot does NOT mean there is something wrong with either person...it is an opportunity to grow even closer as a couple.

Please, for the sake of your children, go to counseling first (as AnnieBrooke said). Separation and divorce should be the absolute last resort and only after you exhaust all your other options.
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