Above the tonsil

[Matteo123]

I'm 20 y.o. boy and three months ago I've been involved in oral sex with a man who took advantage of me (because of my shyness, lack of self-confidence and a sexual orientation crisis). It was also my first sexual intercourse. I still suffer the consequences both psychological and physical. I want to start over but first of all I need to heal my body and my mind (I want to start psychotherapy).

A few days ago I was watching my throat (something I never really did before) and I've seen above the left tonsil a strange "papule" that I can't see on the right side (or it's just much smaller) .. I don't know if I had it before. Could this be something serious?

A "web-doctor" told me the strange "papula" can be a papilloma. I'm really scared because I've read HPV can cause oropharyngeal cancer.

I took a picture.

I can see even something strange on the posterior wall of my oropharynx.

Until that day I have no peace. I am afraid of everything. I got tested for HIV and syphilis after 3 months and the result came negative, but I still feel muscle pain and pruritus in different parts of my body that takes very short time. From that day I have hypersalivation too. Sometimes I've got even some reddish rash on my hands. All of these symptoms indicate a Systemic Disease. I feel like I'm going to die. I know I have to do more investigations and I shouldn't give up but the problem is I am ashamed to tell doctors what I've done.  (I live in Romania and people, here, are not yet accustomed to such things). My lovely parents don't know anything. I don't wanna disappoint them. It's my fault. I was a naive and stupid boy looking for "love", confidance and support in a bad moment of my life and I found out humiliation, fear, a powerless ME. I never felt this weak in my entire life...All I wanted for months was to be ran over by a big car. All I want know is to believe in God's love and to be fine. That experience has defenitly changed my perspective about life. I want to become stronger, fearless, a real man, a husband, a dad.

Thank you in advance for your admirable patience.

I wish you all the best.

[misteria92]

i mean - you can change the future :)

[misteria92]

and you can,be asexual matt if you want to :) just,forget the past and leave it behind. you cant turn back time but you can the future so just believe you can then you will,be able,too :) i believe in you matt so,be strong okay ^^

[Matteo123]

Thank you! you are sweet for saying to me those things. I appreciated. That man used me for his personal pleasure. He had known I am naive and I was at my first sexual experience so he just took advantage of me. I were a easy prey because in that moment I was alone. My parents were abroad. Now I'm stuck in this problem. I feel pain and I need real psycological and medical help but  I just can't ask for it because I'm afraid to talk about my problem with people. They will judge me. I can already see how doctors will be staring at me with disgusted eyes. I don't want to be bisexual...I prefer to be asexual than to have sex with a man again. I don't have nothing with gay men who love each other, but in my opinion the sexual act is depraved. During the sexual act (oral/anal) you can't even watch your partner in the eyes, you can't kiss his lips, you can't wrap the person in your arms and you can't have a perfect body contact, 2 souls in 1 heart ... for me those things are the most important in LOVE. Just sex, without love is for maniacs, obsessed people. I need courage! I want to be a lion, not anymore a stupid cat. :)

[misteria92]

hi ive read your story and i dont think you have HIV.. youre just depressed sad and lonely.. im not a doctor or a nurse nor an HIV patient but i know things too.. and speaking of your experience i hope youll be strong.. im girl 20 of age and i respect your mom for,taking care of you..,see being gay.. youre not. youre bisexual..,because,gay,people,dont like women.. you only think youre gay because you can see your mom in you.. but if you really wanna be straight but you cant eh i dont think you have to.. youre bisexual and you can,still like a girl.. and speaking of your throat you should head to a doctor soon. i dont think its HIV, you said youre negative so ease your mind out of it :)

[Matteo123]

sorry for my english. I did some big errors (It's very late and I'm tired) but I hope I made myself understandable. Talking to someone about my problem help me very much. (I couldn't say it to anyone) Thank you for "listening" to this.

[Matteo123]

Thank you very much for the attention you paid to me but you told me things that I already know. I didn't say there is no clinics in Romania and I already got tested for HIV and Syphilis (the results came back negative), but I still feel physical and psychological bad. I will make the next step soon (to go to see a doctor), I just need some more courage. I know it's my fault and I don't want to play the victim, but I really was psychological abused by a man who made me think I'm 100% gay and I can't change (He told me the "born this way- theory"). You don't know my past, my weaknesses. I grew up with a dad who never had time to spend and never played games like football with me and with an over-involved mother who had total control over me. Everytime I was doing something "wrong" I got beaten and scolded mostly by my mother. I was doing everything they wanted just to make them proud of me. Later, I start looking for people that could make me feel safe, protected. I was jealous when I saw children playing with their fathers.  Even so, I love my parents. Now I am a medical student. Mom thinks I am the perfect boy, but she didn't know I may be gay because of her.
All my life I was hiding inside myself. I don't have a female behavior and I don't feel attraction for young/muscled/skinny/fat/nice-face/hairy/bear  men BUT  just for wise, dad look-alike men. Do you know how hard is it to keep that secret inside yourself for years? I tried  to change many times...I tried to approach girls, but I think I've never found the right person. There was girls I really loved but they were looking for other guys and girls who loved me but I didn't feel nothing for them.  

I don't know what you think about me, but I'm not one of those who is looking for sex. One day, surfing on the internet I found out that man (50 y.o.), who caught my attention immediatly. I found out he's gay and he's working as a manager of an art company and he has also some interviews on youtube so I could find out sth more about him. I thought he was one of those sensitive men who could understand my problem and who could tell me his lifestory/experience. He told me he would love to meet me. He travel a lot around the country and in few weeks he would have been in my city. So the big day came. I was very nervous. He was waiting for me in a coffee pub. Just as I expected, he was very kind and disciplined. He told me many things about his job, but not too much about his past. He insisted to pay for my drink. Then he took me to the theater. I was feeling so free, like a bird that has escaped from the cage. He had earned my trust in a few moments and I was feeling him almost like a father. At the end of the day, when I was thinking how to say goodbye, he told me: "Hey kid, you come with me, I don't let you go this way". I didn't know what he meant. I started feel tense and I remember I asked him "Are you sure I should come with you?". The answer was "Yes". He took me to a flat. I was thinking: 'Maybe he just wants to make me feel loved, to sleep with his arms wrapped around me'. Once, we were inside the flat he kissed me sucking my tongue so hard that it really hurts. I can't forget his words: "Tonight I'm gonna make you a man". My mind was already on alert. We took separate shower. I didn't know what was going to happen. All my muscle were tight. I remember I had a muscle cramp of my toe. My body was feeling what was going to happend and it would have liked to reject it, but my stupid mind (that was accustomed to obey everything people ask to me) forced it. The inevitable has happened. He told me to give him oral sex. I was afraid and I answered "I never did that thing and I'm not sure I want to do it". So he took the initiative. He was very brutal (He told he loves hard sex) that my eyes started to cry and sometimes I couldn't even breathe. He wanted to have unprotected anal sex because he forgot to buy condoms, but the oral was enough for my body. I couldn't bear it anymore so I begged him to stop trying to penetrate me because I would have bled. I told him to not ejaculate in my mouth so he did it on my face (I felt miserable). I went in the bath to spit everything out and I saw traces of blood. I was panicked. I just wanted to run far away. I was thinking of all the pathogens that I could have catched: HIV, HBV, HCV, bacterias etc. I said to him I saw blood and he told me that I demaged his glans with my teeth. I asked him to tell me honestly if he got any blood test lately and he answered me he donate blood once to 3 months for someone who is on dialysis. But he was lying because for dialysis you don't have to donate blood. The bird that escaped earlier from the cage, now, was falling from the sky.

When I was about to left the flat I said "Sorry if I wasn't what you expected" and he told me "You're a good boy but the problem is you don't wanna learn". I answered sorrowfully :"To learn what? To suck it?" In that right moment I found out what I was really searching... I was looking for someone to teach me things that my father couldn't teach me...to teach me how to be fearless and stronger. I was looking for the dad I would love to have in my childhood.  

How could I be a normal guy when I did such a stupid thing. How will I kiss my future wife with this "infected" mouth, how will I kiss-goodnight my kids? I want to have a normal life, I want to be a strong man who can protect his woman and his kids. I want to be a good daddy, to play basket and videogames with my kids, to teach them how to be strong and how to love a woman. My father never brought a flower to my mom. I really want to CHANGE! even if that means years of psychoterapy.(but I need money for that--->I have to go work--->I have to leave medical school--->that will disappoint my mom...It's more complicated)

I'm not playing the victim but that is really the most horrible moment of my life. Sometime I use irony to forget about that but it doesn't help too much time. I need to believe I'm strong enough to pass over it. I want to break the habit even if it will be very difficult.

[Iatrogenic]

I would first suggest that you not make yourself  victim of any of this.  And, if you keep guessing what you may or may not have, you will only feel worse.    There are HIV/STD clinics in Romania, and, I'm quite sure there are support groups for people facing the kind of sexual idenity crisis that you are.  At 20 years old, you are more "man" than "boy."

I hope you will locate the appropriate clinics and support groups directly.  eanwhile, I think it's safe to say that you have everything good to look forward to - especially if you take responsibility for your actions as best you can, and drop the victim role.