You are right, you think if only I get to this weight everything will be good. But then you reach it and it's not good and the obsession just gets stronger. It is an enormous realization for you that you were happy at your "heaviest", because it isn't about the weight at all. It's about feeling okay with who you are and the life you live. You are very lucky because you are young and you haven't been doing this for long. That makes it easier to recover. There are a lot of good therapists and doctors out there that understand about what you are experiencing and now how to help you. You can get your life back.
Thank you so much. I really do think it's time for me to contact a professional. Now more than ever, I'm realizing that my body is getting some serious damage. I haven't had a period for over 4 months, I am tired all the time, I bruise and cut easily, I have horrible acid-like stomach aches, and I am thinking about food al the time. It is constant for me. I don't think about anyone else but myself. I can't do this anymore. I just want to be able to stop having so many restrictions and live my life like I once did. I was so happy at the time where I thought I was my heaviest (which was a whopping 110 lbs. Big deal, huh?) I thought that losing weight after someone made a comment about me being a little chubby would make me happier. But losing weight didn't make me happy. It's making me miserable. I don't want to go through this anymore. I just need a release.
You are taking the first step, maddie, by saying you need help, and by stating, at least on this forum, that you are anorexic. The next step is to tell someone in your life who you trust and, with their support, to get professional help. You can start with your family doctor. But he or she will, hopefully, refer you to someone who is an expert in eating disorders. You can also try attending a meeting of OA. Just look for Overeater's Anonymous in your phonebook to find out where the next meeting is. Don't let the title fool you, OA is for people with all different kind of eating disorders and is a great source of support from people who understand. I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for 15 years. You can do it!