I developed bulimia over 2 years ago and a year ago I got referred to an eating disorders clinic.
The thing is, I hated it - and not just because they were challenging my eating disorder. I began to "recover" and by this I mean, I just wasn't b/p'ing anymore and it's horrible to admit, but I, or rather, "the eating disorder" part of me was happy. I felt like I was finally able to lose weight and at ease, without throwing up or having hide bunches and bunches of wrappers.
Obviously, it was not a good thing. But I just got worse, I hated the therapist I saw, I would distort my weight - basically anything to get out of it. My mother, who had to drive me there and back once a week, also hated it. We would often argue about it, "I'm wasting 2 hours of my day and you're not making any effort at all!!". I love my mother, and she helped me a lot, but I just couldn't bring myself to eat. Until about late August (2014) and I was threatened with having to take a year out and start college a year after all my friends.
Long story short, I began eating, I was motivated (most of the time) and started college, it was going really well. In about November, I was "weight restored" - refused CBT as I couldn't stand my therapist, and was discharged. I just wanted to get away and close that chapter of my life. So I did.
But since Christmas, things have not gone well and I am starting to feel as if I am relapsing. I've lost weight - but this is also partly due to my anxiety.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I need help, but going back to that clinic is just not an option for me - I wouldn't be able to get there and back, my exams are coming up etc. and so....what do I do?:(