Bulima and other problems

[me619]

I know I have bulimia although I am not yet at the stage of seeking help, however my boyfriend is insisting on me seeking help now as he is becoming aware of how many times in a day I can be sick.

I have had this since I was 15 and it has been a part of my every day life for the last 15 years - except maybe the very few week periods in which I have eaten by either harsh dieting or best eating healthily such as fish and vegetables.  If I find myself alone I can be sick maybe ten times an evening or more.  I am happiest when I can reduce my calorie intake to as absolute little as possible a day so I don't need to be sick, but then if I go over this, I give in and will eat sweet things knowing I will now be sick.

I am worried as I have many problems - holes in my teeth - bits will just fall out as if I'm a 60 year old woman and I am constantly suffering severe sinusitis that has taken me before to hospital with such pain in my face and mouth as well as constant dizziness and I constantly have aches in my lower back/kidneys.  I am moody and irritable most of the time.

However, my main fear is my behaviour problems, which I wish not to blame on an actual problem if the truth is I am just being an outrageously horrible person and needing to sort myself out, but I wonder if the bulimia can cause such terrible moods and outburts?  They are so horrific sometimes I convince myself I have bipolar disorder although I know self diagnosis is dangerous and often inaccurate.

I will spend long period "hiding" in bed, dreading seeing anyone or productively doing anything and then I will have terrible fits where I feel a rage as if someone has said something to attack me, and so, I am ashamed to say this, but I just can't control myself, I will violently attack my boyfriend, or myself, or the room I am in.  

There is nothing to stop these fits - I just go mad.  They are so bad that in the last 6 months I have needed stitches in my arm from smashing bottles, I have destroyed more furniture than anyone would want to believe - including my lap top and boyfriends instruments, and I have hurt myself so much and my boyfriend so that every place we move into involves the police turning up and we closely avoid being arrested every time.  The outbursts can be so bad that we have been evicted from most places we stay.  It is scary and dangerous for my boyfriend and others hearing and the fear and shame for myself.  I know I could be like this when i was younger but with my mum and dad.

It is just getting way beyond the realms of normal coping.  I can go and speak to someone regarding bulimia - but my anger is so disgusting I just want to die afterwards and I am so very very weary of repairing the damage of what I have done when I am so ashamed and just want to turn back time  - why do I do this to myself, my boyfriend who I love, or my house and possessions that I want?

Could the years of daily bulimia cause such horrific behaviour, or am I looking for an excuse.  Is it something more serious? All I know, is my health is one worry, but these outburts are so frightening, someone will end up in jail or hospital, and I need a course of action to sort this out quickly for myself to be a happy and balanced person who is nice to be around at all times.

Thank you.

[mayechilde]

I know this all too well.  Everyone tells me bulimia/eating disorders in general go hand-in-hand with bipolar.  I was never allowed to show anger in my childhood, and a recent therapist (whom "fired me" for not seeking treatment for my eating disorder) told me bulimia, self-injuring, etc, is all based in anger.  I always thought it was due to depression and learned helplessness.  
I don't know if this helps because I feel I will never be free from my bulimia...and will always be bipolar...but do your best to try and seek help for some meds that help with bipolar, first and foremost.  Anti-depressants help with the angry outbursts.
Good luck friend.

[LeftCoastChick]

I have to say, you've already gotten to the point where it's doing damage, both emotionally and physically. You need to get help. If your teeth are already wearing down from the acid, you are at high risk for other complications.  It also sounds like you have some mood issues and are having a hard time controlling them, having the police called isn't normal, nor is being evicted because you can't control yourself. .  Get help as soon as you can, you'll be glad you did. Every time that the police get called, it will go on a record. You don't want to end up in police custody.

[Zoelula]

Hi me619

You already know you have problems and that you need help. What the relationship is between your two problems is something you will find out in time and nobody can diagnose you online. But what I can tell you is NOT true is that you are "a horrible person" or looking for excuses for bad behavior. You have an illness and you are no more a bad person because of it than someone is a bad person because they have diabetes. Please don't wait for the damage, physical OR emotional to get worse. Please go to your family doctor and to your local Behavioral Health center and get assessed  physically and mentally. You don't have to keep living like this.
Zoe